Angry little Chinese Girl

Take this @#$$&%#&$!!! Take that !^#*#$@#@^#&!!!

In particular to my family the head of the house and the son - I have harboured bitterness as a daughter and older sister to the unfairness in treatment and the lack of equality in life. I feel controlled, and calculated on all the time despite my years of sacrifices for my own life and my capabilities in the name of family, a filial daughter and a supportive sister.

Yes, this is in regards to the buying of the house again, where the title deed is in my brother's name, and all decisions are made by my Father dearest and brother most undearest. The funny deal, or rather the joke of the century is that I have 1/8th of share in it, while sister has a share of 1/4th in monetary contribution but no documentation or anything visible is allowed to record that we are actually contributing. Sister has to use up her lifelong savings for it, while I refused to touch mine but took up a loan to make up for brother's measly earnings, while letting him appear to be the principle borrower. Thanks to Father, who has made me feel like a rotten daughter for voicing out how unfair the deal is... he has made me cry and made me feel like I will burn in hell for not being filial in regards to this. The whole objective is to say yes without further questions, and forget about logic as it plays no part in it - it's all about filiality. Get it?

For the payup of the loan, I was just instructed today to put in 50% of the payment 'silently' and to not record them because 'it's not allowed, and it's a pure sign of disrespect of parents' wishes and lack of love for the family', according to my Father. When I say 'it's not fair, they say that I have a fucked up mentality and is anti-establishment of unity, peace and a good Christian family'. What kind of a train of thought is it that they are having? There's no logic, and I don't see an ounce of love or family support in this!!! Everything's discussed behind my sister and my back, and we are always 'told and instructed'... and mind you, we're older sisters!!! Not younger ones!!!

Bloody hell, what kind of a deal is that? On top of paying for the house, my Father says, "You have to still give rent to your brother because you cannot be living for free, as for your sister, she has used up her savings and did her part, and you are yet to do yours". What free? I am already paying for part of the loan, aren't I counted in? We rent a room out as well, and I gave it all to my brother but don't mind dishing out my share of the loan.... BUT to pay up extras... this is ridiculous. My brother, though sees me every single day, does not want to talk to me, but wants my money, wants me to cook, wants me to run the house, wants me to do everything. Bloody ungrateful egoistic male who earns less than his sisters, who is all loud-mouthed and a bully but turns into a pussy when it comes to anything that has to deal with the external things - even in arguing for a refund of unfair extra charge by the electrical company and telephone company. The infinite ego is pent up and misused to treat sisters like trash.... who finds fault with us every single day to make us feel small - like we're not deserving of kindness. Our filiality is being taken for granted! What are we girls? Chopped liver? My parents, are in full support of this, as in arguing that "daughters must support the brother as brother earns less". Bloody hell!!! I'm so angry that I could puke blood and shed tears of blood! It's a fucking trap so that the daughters' wings are forever cropped! What about daughters' lives, just because they will marry and 'lose' the last name they are not deserving of fair treatment? What about our needs? What about us as humans who are rightful to the same dose of happiness?

Where can there be any happiness at this stage? Father will not live for another 20 years to see what my brother can do. Both sister and I have seen the traits of our brother, the ungrateful one, to kick us out and not honour his deal. Why did I say this? Well, there are quibbles, quarrels and 'harsh statements' emanating from brother even at an early stage before we bought the house, and also, he has become more abusive and more of a 'show off' now with Father's lands and house, and also the forced providence from us to him in getting this new house for his future marriage and new family-to-be.

At the end of the day, in documentation, the house will never mention sister or me. My proposal to this in safeguarding my sister and my interest is to draw up another document with a lawyer to state what we have paid up. Father dearest turned purple with rage and was about to have a heart attack and blamed me for shortening his life for being distrustful of my brother said in harsh words, "If you do not trust your brother, it means that you also do not trust your Father. You are killing me with what you have said, and if I die of this you will have no peace in your life and you will regret till you die, and God will punish you". I was such a wreck when I heard that, and cried buckets. I obliged, as I love my Father too much to bear this, and continued to do as he has wished. The problem here is that the beneficiary end product is my brother, who is ungrateful and takes his sisters for granted and never works hard for his money, nor go the extra mile to improve himself. On top of that, he abuses us sisters with harsh words and belittles us and put up high expectations to be super women in running the house, in cooking every single day despite our long hours at work, and to do all marketing and management of everything that comes along the way. Moreoever, we cough up with extra monies all the time to feed the big eater, and is the main provider for everything that meets to his comfort.

In addition to all these, my Father dearest has drawn up his Will and also passed on all the fiefs (heirloom aka the bungalow house back home that is worthy of almost 1 million in the market today, and all the agricultural lands and stocks). Sister and I don't give a toss to that, as we have been drummed in since young that the Yong girls will never get a cent as we are to be married off and will change our sirnames to our husbands. It's interesting why are the Yong women so strong and so capable to this day, we are super women, super humans, resilient to the boot and could stand all sorts of hardships and independent and we all look good as a bonus! What's the bloody fear? *Sigh*Our weakness is that we have too much love for the family, and too bloody filial and loyal and would back down to take all the egoistic traditional crap.

Apart from these, Father dearest tried to even control our personal lives, by telling us who we should and should not date. Father always get upset why sister and I have yet to date or go out with a Chinese man.... believe us, we have tried, but we see the same ego problem - a lack of security and intention to 'control us'. Why should we withstand to this? We already have enough of all these from our upbringing. We could do this for the sake of 'blood is thicker than water', but we surely have a choice in mate to not be so subdued and submit to such demands from an outsider. We have our choices, and we will exercise it!

Both sis and I have long discussions before that we do not want our daughters to be subjected to what we've been subjected! We have both already wasted most of our lives in running the house and cooking and deprived of even going out to have our own time and space. Stupid tradition, stupid upside down logic which coins 'logic' to make us feel abnormal. The endless attacks of how 'lack of warmth and love' for the family. Isn't love free-spirited and filled with willingness? Not forced and demanded? Bloody hell!!! We are both so disappointed, broken-hearted and hurt beyond description!

I can see that now, very clearly, that my sister and I may be the first in the 22 generations of Yong women to break this tradition. Our line is so pure, so traditionally Chinese... and we shall be the first to break it now - it's time, the moment is ripe to end this vicious cycle and have a new breed.

That's it, I'm leaving... I must not dilly-dally in making plans to go off soon. I want to be out of Malaysia next year for good, it's the only way to break away from this insanity. I'll give the monies in full as in accordance to the amount I've borrowed from the bank right before I leave. It's the only way in this family of senselessness, of male chauvenism - I see no sense in it, and I see no reason to this anymore. My sister has taken her steps to go away, and I will be the next. We didn't plan this, we are driven away. In view of this, I will have to plan now for a quick exit. Forget about destiny, forget about fate - Enough is enough! I'm carving my own path now. I hope Father and also God will forgive me, because I can't take it anymore.