Of fate and life

I can write about this now because enough time has passed. I have learned to move on in life when things have fallen apart, and rebuilt them from scratch again. Somehow, it's never an easy road to recover, but over the eyars, I found patience proved to be the wisdom of overcoming pain and failures. It's the best virtue that I've acquired - at least in many a decision that I've made in life.

Though in reality, I find it harder to rebuild as I grow older, and I find myself having to kickstart my life with a larger dose of hope each time I fall, and the older I get, the harder I fall. All these experiences range from family, friendships, acquaintanceships, relationships, school and work in my life. Still, even at the darkest hour and all that falls under the name of adversity, I have believed, and is still keeping a vigil for hope and faith for the sake of a better tomorrow.

I remember the days of my childhood, and oh, such simple wants and needs then in life, my heart was forever over-brimmed with hope and a thirst for knowledge. I draw positive energy from all areas, even make believe that things will be better, if given time. Growing up in a strict, male-chauvenistic home, I learned to always look beyond my pressured and suppressed life as a female in the household. I trained myself to be not only tolerant, but possess resilience and strength for whatever that may stumble into my life.

Strength as it is, there were many that I've acquired and they are always through the test of time. Travelling down memory lane, it all began this way... my mother as far as I can remember, would sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' to my siblings and I. We learned to sing it too, and memorised the words together, and sing together with Mommy dearest. In my single digit years, I never missed sunday school, and I remember the first time I sang 'Amazing Grace', it stole my heart. To this day, I remember the lyrics, both of "What a friend we have in Jesus" and "Amazing Grace", and they warm my heart whenever I sing it. I love sunday school more than normal school. Though in my eagerness to please both schools, I remember a teacher once asked me, 'What do you want to be when you grow up, Angela?" I said chirped enthusiastically without missing a beat, and looked up at the teacher to only see the infinite of her nostrils and still managed to say, "A teacher or a preacher". Yes, ironically, I already know my puns even at that age.

In my early teens, my father bought a set of sing-along gospel, and I was so taken by an old hymn "Be thou my Vision", and this has added to be the 3rd in my list of comfort songs. A pledge I made to that effect was when I attended a Christian youth camp years later. The youth leader asked, "Write down in a little piece of paper, of what would you want to do for God". I exactly that, I have only one thing I wanted to do, "I want to earn a million souls for the Lord". I deposited that little note in the tissue box of 'pledges'. Everyone held hands to pray for the Lord to bless us for those pledges and make way for us to realise those pledges.

Little did I believe the play of fate, and pledges I made as a child and while growing up would come true, but I've seen many things have come to life at my day and age and I see them shaping towards that direction.

Even going back to the days of my childhood days, I went as far as moving away from those of my age, and hiding under the tables eavesdropping what the adults have to say. I remember seeing the play of emotions of my aunts or uncles or my parents of over issues in the family. The mean uncles and aunties, that I learned to hate, in which I later on would ask mom and dad, "Why did uncle this and aunty that do that? Are they not afraid to be punished by God?" Mom and Dad would say, "You are too young to understand". I'd walk away, feeling like a little old woman, in a body that is too small to even reach for the plate of fruit placed in the middle of the dining table.

Though I then still had my childish whims and fancies, I was more eager to grow up and be able to solve problems. I remembered all those things that I didn't seem to understand then, I mulled over them, and regurgitated them in situations and applied them through the map of my life. I soon found meanings in them, and used them as adages and examples to travel certain roads less or more. Never taking it for granted that I'd live long enough to make all the mistakes in the world. Perhaps I was avoiding fate? Of course, there were times where I dashed in the spur of the moment, and only realised midway that I'm repeating a mistake that i have heard of before. I'm blessed in a way, as I always had a point of U-turn - I know God is watching.

Fate as it seems, is not as literal as it meant? I sometimes see it as like a lid that I custom made for myself which is not meant to close my can... Hmmm? However, the contents of the can are as of such that I did or did not bargain for, but still, there was always light at the end of the tunnel for me to see why I had to go through this mill, hence giving a fresher meaning of 'fate' could change by choices that we make in our lives?

I tested God in some ways, by veering off the pathway, but somewhere along the journey to blacksheepdom, I was picked up and plopped back to where I belong. So much for trying to be a runaway sheep. I never quite got to the black sheep stage, always got picked up the moment I began to look grey. Thus, giving me an insight that how closely big brother is watching!

In the contrary of all these, there are things that went the opposite all the time each time I pray for this particular desire in life. Yes, it's another pledge that I made in my 20s. I really wanted to be to be like Apostle Paul - forever feel even - a life of a celibate. But I missed the mark by a far shot, have now accepted that I'm meant to be matched. It's a constant fight between the Godly department and the Human needs department in poor Angela's body. I am for many reasons, feel extra hurt today in view of this. I felt that I have stumbled upon the many forbidden fruits that I should not have tasted in regards to this, and once again, I'm relying on my own strength to analyse this. Perhaps it's the works of the biological clock ticking, or the notorious pms, or just too much electricity in the brain - it would still be interesting to find out. I tried to share these with someone dear to my heart, but no words came out of my mouth when I opened it. Perhaps it's the timing, a sign of time that is not ripe enough to share. It's almost strange to say this, but this once again a test to my strength. A sign that also highlighted in red at the back of my mind - my time to fast and pray has arrived again.

In view of signs, there are too, signs in life. I've noted many things that I have come to desire, and some are in the lighted pathway, and some are just in the dark, waiting to unfurl into the lighted pathway. I have struggled, and is still struggling with some of these to this day. Though being older, and supposedly wiser today, I've learned to perceive it differently, by allowing all experiences to wash over me, a needed experience to make me into a better person, and more equipped in the spiritual warfare.

Bred and raised as a Lutheran, I truly believe in God's chosen pathway for me. A destined pathway, I'd say, in which I cannot run far from. I hardly talk about this, because if I do, I'd sound like a psycho or a fanatic befitting of those who are now terrorising the world of Godlessness. I know in time to come, my life will end with me being part of the missionary, which is viewed these days as 'mission impossible'. How so? Well, readers, let's wait and see, and that I promise, would be interesting to know.

Even to this day, when anyone asks me whether I know where I'll go in life after death, I'd say - heaven. I've seen smirks and heard of all the fun-making to the effect of what I've said, but I'm not afraid. I derail from the stereotypical Christian, in where praising of God is to be 'seen and heard'. It's sad that at all times and the face of this earth, many a Christian has stumbled not only the non-Christians, but also their own Christian brothers and sisters alike. I've made notes of many situations, and even to the point of being a non-participant in church-organised or work-church-organised gatherings. Hence, I've been labled as a lukewarm Christian for not doing my bit to 'show the world'. I've always done it quietly in my heart, in my quiet times and in my acquaintanceship, and still bring up the names of people that I know in my prayers. I've noted from old friends in primary school and high school, where many weren't believers then, and whom I've shared with them before in a non-conventional style of Godliness, they are believers today. Many have come back, and remembered what I've shared with them. Words which are not of my might, but of God's wisdom through me, and I am a tool used in this sense.

I've always tried my best to do all good despite the many ways of the world, and soon find myself weary and dried up. Sometimes in my enthusiasm, I rely on my own strength and not let the Sovereign lead. I find myself at the end, eyes wrenched dry of tears, and a wave of numbness flowing from my brain to all my limbs in the absence of God.

My life as it is, as the time has passed, is what I've reaped as to what I've sowed. I look back and think 'what have I done for myself?', and see an endless line of experiences and histories, giving meaning and literacy to where, why and how I got to where I am today. There are times where I couldn't help but to compare it with the ways of the world. As an active observer of all these, my eyes have risen and fallen on many things, may it be matters of the heart, or things that I've heard or seen, or just a play of my own stubborness. Some say I'm too careful, and some say I'm too careless, but I know my heart. Somehow at the back of my mind, I'm always pulled back to the line, a line where I will have to feed my spiritual man - spiritual food for my soul.

Though fallen many a-times in the name of temptation, I've picked myself up and continued walking, and I believe this is God's Grace is giving me a will to live. As part of God's big plan, I know I have a role in contributing - even if it's the quantity of a tiny drop in an ocean, I made a difference by being the additional drop. I think in God's book of life, the role that I play, though destined, is still filled with surprises. Hence, my fate is not to be taken literally, as a seal, but to be read as 'yet to be sealed'. With this, fate is less rigid with me, and it is still giving me chances and allowances for change to occur in my life. Life will continue with or without what I may desire and may seem to have forsaken me, but for sure, God will not forsake me in my hour of need.