Sense and Sensibility

A casual chat today on the phone was an insight to a few things in my mind. I will not say it now, but will talk about the few things that floated out of the conversation. It made me wonder where life would lead me to --> to 'us' --> or will the plural become singular eventually? I would definitely be sure when I make up my mind, but one hand can't clap by itself. Takes two to clap, two to tango, two to everything - a team. If both of us think alike, it would be a team. Ever had one of those days where you seemed far apart in mentality, apart from the physical distance with a love one? I don't know. It's an open question, open for anything, I guess. It's a thought...

Perhaps I wanted the honesty. Perhaps I'm doubting like he'd like me to - to see the sensibilities of things. I don't understand the 'doubting' business that's going on - he may mean anything, afterall it's bloody subjective. To me, 'doubting' is being unstable. The instability doesn't makes sense to me, and it's insensible! I know that once my doubting sets in, I'll start walking, no glancing behind. I remember the story of Lot, where his wife looked back to the city of Sodom and Gemorrha as Lot & her were leaving the city as instructed by the Lord, she turned into a pillar of salt. I will not be a pillar of salt!

Reassurance. I wanted to hear it. At the back of my mind, perhaps I'm denying the fact that I may be hoping for some form of answer that perhaps lead to some assurance that would make sense to me. A sense of security, a sense of wanting to work things out - a commitment.

Too soon - that's the sensibilities of all these. Be realistic - the word falls like bricks onto my head, the sound of it rudely collides onto my ear drums. I know what this means, dammit! In reality, the distance stinks. That's the reality. Sometimes it catapults me out of the orbit, with a little fear of losing someone who is close at heart to me. Perhaps we're not meant to be? It will be a life changing experience, I'm sure. I must remind myself every single day that I'm not going to let this make me bitter, because there has to be someone else! That's not only reality, but sensibility!

I sensed a change in me, a change that I know I was never that way given 5 years ago. What have I evolved into? I know I get stronger every time I fall, perhaps so strong that no one will ever measure up. I see it, I see it... I see it in many of my spinster girlfriends, they have better things to do than to mope over things of such. I was heading there, since when did I turn around? I wanted to be there, the life is easier, and no unecessary troubles to deal with! Isn't that sensible?

Perhaps one day when I look into the mirror, I will not recognise myself anymore. Or rather, when I look at my past pictures, I'll say, 'who's that?' That's fear, that's my reality. I am filled with questions, hardly any answers for such. I fear the unknown, like any normal being. Somehow, I do not fear this fall, there has to be something to learn from it. Hell, I get sharper each time even when I was blinded in the initial stages! Now, that's developing my senses!

To be sensible, I will have to face reality, the music - life. I must always love myself more and no less, and never let anyone destroy my life. I'm angry, and pretty turned off too. I once remembered my Gay friends telling me about their past, when they were 'straight'... I understand why... not that I'm going that way. I understand the concept, theorectically, though it doesn't exactly make any sense to my religious upbringing.

Sometimes I wonder what's my fate in life, the men that I seemed to have affection for are always too far away. They are not out of reach mentally, but they are always out of reach, physically. I must continue to be stronger, be sensible!

Many of my girlfriends sensed this long time ago, that compromises must be put in place. They confessed that they once pursued a love of a lifetime, and they came home, broken hearted. I see all of them as a trail of broken hearts. They decided that they can't pursue their dreams in being with a love of a lifetime, but it's acceptable to just change their perception and see the beauty of a local. A local that speaks like their brother, their father, their grandfather. A sense of familiarity, a sensible choice.

Most of them, settled down quite sensibly with someone that loves them more than they do. They say, 'never completely give your heart to a man. If there's a 100% love in you, keep back that 30%, it's for your sanity". My mother said something along those lines too... hmmm. Guess Mommy sensed that Dad is an honourable man, and she married him out of sensibility. My girlfriends also said before, 'never let a man know you love him before he proves that he is deserving'. I tried digesting all these over the days, months and years, over countless glasses of milk and cookies, insurmountable plates of nasi lemak and teh-o-ice, over milo-ice and par-boiled eggs... I still can't see it. I guess that's why I am where I am today. Isn't being honest the key? Or does it have it's adverse effects?

They believe that they can grow love and affection like you grow that little green plant in the garden. All you need is to water it, and sometimes, you just have to rearrange the pot to get just that right amount of sun and rain - it'll grow. Hey, they seemed happy. There must be some sense in this, because everything turned out 'right'. They too, suggested that I should think like they do, as there is no way that I can be fulfilled and happy. I have not found the secrets to manufacturing love. When I find it, I will surely blog it.

Zorah, Mazni, Winnie and I had long talks of such before, about such girlfriends. We sigh at each other. Hopeless kind of sighs which left us with awkward silence. We realised that the roads are clear - either you choose to compromise or choose to walk alone. We fear that we would one day, resign ourselves to the very same fate as our girlfriends. We fought that for years, and the only thing that's making us standing up strong this day is our perception of what true romance is supposed to be like - it's a fairytale, it's not sensible. Though we have our dignity, that sticks out like a sore thumb at times - to not go back against our word, our beliefs, or our principles. We remember being happier single than coupled. Perhaps, that's our fate. We should trust our senses and be sensible about it.

Perhaps my father is right, it seems like more of his words are amounting in the form of reality into my mind. I don't like it one bit, but I suppose, he too, sensed that at a very early age that decisions of such are the most sensible. He said, 'be with your own kind, they'll understand you better, forget about chemistry, they come as quickly as they go. I hate to see you break your heart'.

Do I sense myself heading towards being completely sensible and sound? I am wondering. I have even changed my blog colours to green, a brighter one and more sensible to life, nature... joy... what else? Give me some more positive adjectives, dammit! Ok... it's 'friendlier' in comparison to the earlier black and morbid one.

Right... what I believe right now, is to pray. That's sensible. Once that is done, I will sense peace, descending on me. God answers prayers - I've prayed all my life - some good must come by. I will once again ask for forgiveness from God for losing my senseless temper - that's insensible! I will put that into my prayers tonight - only in God's timing, the meaning of my sense and sensibilities will unfold before my very eyes.