Tempted to be bitter...

3:30a.m. in the morning, that's what the clock reads. There's lots of electricity going on in my head tonight, stopping me from sleep, I am oppressed, or perhaps just devils within me.

I prayed endlessly, crying away and reading the Bible to calm my emotions. My body is breaking and screaming for sleep, but sleep never came. I felt between worlds, between the waking and the dead, it was a weird feeling. There's no hope, just darkness. The palpitations in my heart are as quick-paced as birds flapping their wings, I curled up in a foetus position, with clenched fists.

Images after images are forming in my head, a movie in my head, all of horror, and pain. The words said in them make me cringe too... all are ugly. Very ugly things, unbefitting of the heavenly significance. The ugliness all involve the people I love in my life, I shiver in my bed disillusioned on whether they are real or they are just images from a nightmare. I'm lost in time.

There are images of the past, images of the current, images of the fear of the future... ugly... so ugly... indescribeable, inhumane. This must be a brink of insanity, it's poisoning my blood and tempting me to be bitter with everything in my life. Taking the best out of me, making me feel unworthy of love, grace and mercy. It's pushing me into the pits of self-pity. It scares me so.

I've not had these since I was about to leave evil corporation that I used to work in 2002. I was too, at that time, tempted to be bitter with life. There was no sight of God, I felt abandoned. Angeline and I had to bless the house that night, we prayed hard, we spoke in tongues that night. It was a strange night, but the spirit of oppression left. Many Malay colleagues stayed away from me for days, I remember, I had massive migraines, I was angry, feeling sad, and politics at work were at it's height, I was victimised, deeply pained. After the blessing of the house, we felt air rushing out of the house... leaving a light, sweet breeze within. The morning brought about a sense of peace, and many Malay colleagues started telling me that 'the thing has left me', as they see it following me closely... they saw the spirit, but they couldn't tell me, as it could transfer to them.

Before evil corporation, the last encounter was back in 1986, when grandpa passed away. On the 3rd day of his death, I met an accident that almost robbed me of my life. Not dying that day was a miracle, doctors and nurses and policemen couldn't believe that I survived. Not when the car dragged for 30 feet. How I ended up in the backseat of the car, was another great story... unbelievable. I still bear scars to this day. My arm, a constant reminder, the numbness in my broken bones, a rain indicator... The night after my operation, I saw grandpa standing beside my bed when I was half sedated, I was scared. He was in the exact funeral clothes that I last saw before we closed the lid. I knew that there is no way the dead could come back like that, I denounced the spirit. It went away. When it went, the person next to my bed died. Wailing sounds filled the room, my father, telepathic that he seemed to be, arrived at that dot. Papa spent the night there on the chair after we solemnly see the nurses and dressers wheel the dead out. I shared a room with a cancer stricken lady. You see, I do not have much love for my grandfather, who made me feel worthless because I was born a daughter to my parents. Perhaps my complex to this day, stems from him. I have my share of bitterness against him. Still, at his death, I cried, and I had to train myself to forgive him. Superstitious relatives came round to say that 'grandpa' saved me, some said, 'grandpa almost killed you because you loved you the least'... how bitter that felt.

Another encounter was at Mount Kinabalu, I brought 10 friends back to Sabah to climb the mountain. When we were halfway of the journey (the restplace) , we were to sleep for a good 6 hours before we wake up to continue the climb at 2am. I couldn't make it, I had an attack of migraine, so the rest went ahead without me. I stayed back in the cabin, desserted, and everyone climbing up. There, I felt it again... another spirit of oppression, the steps on the roof, the scratching behind me, a breathing sound. It was the scariest night ever, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I tried very hard to... finally I screamed 'Jesus'... it went away right before I could hear myself say that. Freaky, isn't it?

I buck up with a during those nights in encounter with spirits. I feel no sweat, and the air-conditioning seems eerily cold for some reason - the feelings were identical. Somehow, tonight was different, I know I was awake and couldn't sleep, and the evil spirit was only disturbing my thoughts but could not press me down physically like it used to. You can tell it's not a nightmare, as nightmares leaves you in sweat... It all stemmed from moments that I am close to God, in committing to God... without fail, ugly things always follow after that, endless. I know this time round, I'm stronger. I think I'm more refined in serving God now that I was in the past.

I have been praying fervently of late and even more so when I was broken by personal experiences in my family and love life. I felt a burst of energy, as in commanding power in rebuking unclean spirits, even when I feel weak at times. I could still reach out for the strength of not my might but of God within all these weaknesses. As much calmness that has swept me off my feet, there is also a waging spiritual war within and around me. It's not in my head, it's not my imagination, I've been there before, I smell the familiarity. I feared it once, and I ran away, I came back and ran again... now I'm back again, because it's the calling of God is so strong these days. The signs were obvious, the words that comes to head that staggers in midway. Words of Wisdom cutting through the midst of my thoughts, like someone's speaking to my head. Sounds like a hallucination, but it's not! I swear! The telepathies from my sister and Mag when I tip over to be tempted to be bitter towards God, and my phone rings.

To soothe myself tonight, and to not fall out of grace into the backsliding ways into lukewarmdom like I used to, I started singing hymns in my head. I have failed the Refiner's fire many times because I've run. Hiding my face from God for years, but resurface again whenever I'm in need to be saved. I read the Bible again, reading and reading and tears streaming down my face, I flipped the pages, and everything seemed to be about my life, my past and current. It was so apt! When I feel wretched at reading the sins of man, I start crying, and when I flip to the next page in random, they are words of comfort in the promise of God's providence and His faithfulness in never abandoning His children.

I came here to blog after a lengthy prayer. It's 4:20a.m. now. Sleep, I must now. Fear, I must not. My faith is once again tested, I must not waver! Go to hell, Satan, that's where you belong!

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The morning has arrived, I slept well right after denouncing the devil. The images went away, the words went away after I prayed. I'm now re-editing my writing at this monent, in continuation of last night's experience. When I closed the blog last night, I layed my hands on the walls (taking turns) of the room, the doors and windows, praying aloud, asking God to coat the house in the blood of the lamb, and denouncing and purging the evil one from the room and the house. I know there are spirits in my room last night. It's an oppression so deep, several are there... pushing me into depression. I'm under the Refiner's fire, first the emotional upheavals weeks ago, and now, the spiritual.

I have already invited the spiritual warfare into my life, scary isn't it? The road to being God's tool is never easy, but it's all worthy. How the devil fights to keep God's tools and soldiers from completing tasks will always be there. The devil is attacking me in all my weakest areas, through my family, through my love life. So much pain I have endured in 2004. I know what I'm in for, Lord, do not abandon me in my hour of need. Hear my cry for help, because I fear now... I don't want to run anymore like I used to. The material didn't fulfill that part in my where only the Holy Spirit could feel. I cannot rely on my human strength alone, I need to share my burden, oh Lord, please!

The Daily Bread for today reads, "When God Thunders", taken from Psalm 81:6-10, these verses reminds us whenever we cry out to God in our sorrows and distress, we may not hear the 'thunder roll', but it will reverberate through the heavens once again as He answers us "in the secret place of thunder". With this, I know for sure that God will speak comfort to my heart and deliver me from my fears.