Stumped

Whinging is never my forte, but I think I deserve to whinge this time. I had cold water splashed on my face on two accounts of the day - a revelation of my spirituality, and a lack of support from my other half. I'm stumped.

The initial was good. I was humbled by the learning of what was the actual image of the very last "missing" piece to my spiritual jigsaw. My spiritual weakness was spotted, and I took it with good grace, knowing that my ol' friends spoke sense.

I knew it all along at the back of my mind, I just needed to be told and reminded on this. I saw new meanings to my father's and sister's advice before. This religious obedience should no longer delay, I'm chalking it all up to a plan of actions which I will begin this sunday. I did not lack the wisdom of knowing this as in how to do it, and when to do it, I was just foolish to not heed this wisdom, and thought delaying the action would be a wiser move. Wrong move, no wonder I've been stumped for so long.

Honesty in a kind form was all I need. I've lack the wisdom of simplicity, and now gained it after toppling from my pedestal of self-proclaimed queen of wisdom to complexity. My goals are simple. I only strive to be a better person - it's what I've always wanted, worked for, and looked forward to. Perhaps my efforts to attain these were just never real efforts, I was just too plain busy being clouded by current affairs, a typical casualty of situation. I just needed to be understood. Being misunderstood is never pleasant. Lacking the effort to put things into perspective is just plain disobedience amongst other glaring excuses of why I 'didn't do, was thinking of doing and was intending to do'. All these have stunted the spiritual side of me in this case, I'm a spiritual stump.

I know blessings involve obedience. I should know this, as I'm the product of a blessing, no lesser recipient to receive blessings either. I've just chose not to walk in the light, and was blinded by the glittery neon lights of hedonism. I've too have had life-long observations and exposures to obedience, in both its structure, practice, theories and theology... all rolled into one. I know it too well... I will now follow suit like my father before me, and before... and endless upline list to repent. To reconstruct myself again, and walk in the lighted path once more, I will need to realign myself to practice the wisdom of obedience, otherwise I'm still the same spiritual stump, self-created.

My other half, tumbled down from the pedestal that I've built for him. My fault to have expectations. My fault to trust my deepest thoughts. My fault to share even. My fault to not tailor-make it to be palatable. My fault to contribute to the misunderstanding for not being clear. It's all my fault. Still, I'm not sorry for being the way I am. I have a right to share whatever's in my little red heart and pulsating little mind. Perhaps men are really from mars, and women are really from venus. I thought mars men and venus women theories were crap, but crap happens. I'm stumped crap to this whole gender business.

I wonder whether it's cold feet from my end to be critical of him or I'm only reciprocating his criticisms of me. Whatever it is, it takes two to clap. Wait a minute... I've been clapping the air with one hand for too long while he stands there hands down. I wish he'd raise his hand to give me a hi-five when I need it. Oh well, wishful thinking. Another day is over, another day is stumped.

I can take criticisms standing or lying down as long as it's done constructively. I did not see the constructiveness of today's tete-a-tete nor a few of our past conversations... historically. I'm sensitised to recognise it - it's all due to painful experiences. Today was the pinnacle of all squashed days, I felt battered, if not bashed. Who's right, who's wrong, who cares? Whatever it is, there was no taste to it as I was reduced to tears. I'm a believer of 'it's not what one says, but how one says it'. His lack of sensitivity towards such a small thing had my little red heart is bitten into two. Whilst my brain has fallen open into two separate halves, one half with new perceptions of how I want my life to be, the other half with old souvenirs of my remaining love, buried amongst the avalanche of disappointments. Maybe I'm really stumped this time.

My mind is now more open than before, but the two halves are no longer connected. I have to stop myself from moving, and physically piece the two halves my of brain together, and glue back the two little red heart-halves to make it a whole heart again. Only with my brains connected, and heart-halves pieced, I could generate a logic or at least to remember why I love this man in the first place. If I don't put in the effort to stop and think, I can easily forget the meaning of love, and only remember how inlovable he is. Maybe he's the one who's stumped!

I just cannot erase the line where my little red heart broke off. It's there, it's a reminder no matter how much effort I put in to camouflage that line. There goes the Effort word again! This word has been overused in regards to my healing, my tolerance and whatever goodness that is left in me. Effort is beginning to sound like a bad word, a vocab laced with the memory of failure, corrupted with disappointments... I need to detox. *cough, cough* Oooh... is my love life stumped too?

How many chances should I give this man? I'm counting... still counting as I stamp and dog-ear my way through my pages life.