Faux pas

Funny when you think that you are open enough to listen, and when you can't actually take it. Ever thought of those days before? The intellectual mind is great a disciphering things, unraveling mysteries, accept the unacceptable, and love the unlovable. Sometimes you think whether these have contributed to the many a Faux pas in life?

Looking back, the biggest Faux pas in my life is perhaps allowing myself to love someone whole-heartedly, and not retaining bits of me for myself. The disappointments, when they come, robs me dry, leaving me for the dead. An exaggeration? Nah... I feel and have felt that way before, and I've always picked myself up, feeling that I've changed forever, in which, I have had. Still, I dabble with being in denial over things, wanting to be there to see things to the end. How many times would I make myself go through this? For the umpteenth time, I remind myself.

I've never been the same each time I go through one of these experiences. It doesn't make me a better person in some ways, but in some ways, it trained me to be more hardy and resilient. Bad and good habits I'd pick along the way, some decremental to my own health. Speaking of health, today marks the day that I'm back to my old temptations in life - the love for cigarettes. I wanted it like I never did before. The rush of nicotine to the head, the smell of burning tobacco, a bitter-sweet taste that lingers and gives a bad, bad taste to my tongue and breath. Somehow, in spite of it's negativeness, it helps numb my senses a little bit, makes the ugly truth appear a little prettier, audibly and visibly - it's all in the game of denial.

It's a familiar game, so familiar that it burns an acidic hole at the pit of my stomach, and erodes a little bit of the sturdy wall of my heart. Why I withstand all these, I'm amazed. All in the name of love? Stupid? Perhaps? strange, isn't it?

I've been pondering the whole day today, though I had a good time learning new things in life, the joys of snowboarding, and a little sharing on cultures, amongst the little loves in my life. I now think to myself, especially at this time of the night, when I'm supposed to be in deep sleep - contemplating on how life's going to be like when I'm back in Malaysia? I wish at this moment, though I may regret saying this one day - that I never knew love and it's play of chemistry. Perhaps in the absence of all these, life would be a little easier for me. I see my sister, and many other friends having the time of their lives living without what I have experienced.

Perhaps it's better for me to know it afterall, to never want to see and feel it again, as it's the end of wondering what it could do for me. It has done nothing long-lastingly good, in my opinion. It's mayhaps, time that I completely close a door to it. There are better things to do in life, rather than to love a man whole-heartedly. The heart deserves a better treatment than going through all these... and somehow, I know he'll woo me back - but how many times can I be wooed back? Again, I wonder how long the joy will sustain, and how painful would the transitory periods be when I have to wait for his decisions again? If I give this another chance, will it be another Faux pas?