A New Year haunted with Past Pains

The Nightwatch mass began at 10:30pm at the St. Francis Xavier Church, off Jalan Gasing on the night of 31st December 2004. Throughout the mass, many prayers were said, moments of silence were shared, a communion of peace was experienced. It was a night, dedicated to all the dead and the survivors of wars, other man-made disasters and the recent natural disaster. It's also a night where we surrendered our past hurts, our misgivings, our joys and everything else to God, and for blessings and challenges to the Word for the upcoming 2005.

Every year, I would attend the Nightwatch mass, and this time, the church is more packed than it was in the past. People were still trickling in to fill the church even at 11:30pm, and soon, even the corridors were filled with people - some seated on plastic chairs, and some leaning on the railings by the side, while many found comfort on the cold hard ground when there weren't any more chairs available.

My empathy level soared, and likewise, many others around me are feeling that way too. We prayed fervently for the good Lord to give peace to those who lost their lives in the earthquake that sent catalysmic waves across 12 nations. My eyes watered with the images of the situation, victims and survivors. Unanimously in our own individual prayers in the congregation, we prayed for the Lord to comfort the distressed survivors with hope, love and all that they need to heal and not be bitter.

Stories I hear from Winnie's charity work with the Red Cross in the past few days, of how strong Malaysian and International individuals pouring into Aceh were met with the stupid Rebels who refused to allow them in. Everyone was stuck in Medan area for more than 48 hours, before they allowed help to arrive at the site. Those who could have survived are already dead because their wounds and bleeding were unattended to... many, many other things that could be avoided from the aftermath were blocked by power-hungry fools. As Winnie narrated, I could see vivid images form in my mind, making me wrecked with sobs. I am so removed from the scene, yet the pain was so great, I fear to even be in that situation myself - I would not have survived.

I reflect on this, my own life, how my very own rocky roads in 2004 were. All my hopes, my desires, my disappointments, my love, my dreams of the future, I gave it to God. I do not want to be haunted with past pains, and I don't want my dreams of the future to divert my faith. My past actions, though will stay in my memory, it can be forgiven by God. I will need to remember the attitude of Apostle Paul in where he has advised that the memory should not bring any past guilt or pride, because we have to have one driving passion as Christians, to know Christ better. I feel empowered by this, and nothing pleases me more than wanting to learn from the past and living the current wisely so that it will not imperil the future of those around me, and myself.