Sometimes love just ain't enough

A million times or more I've read, heard and seen this. In my younger days, when the Patti Smith & Don Henley song was aired in the early 90s, I was still too naive and idealistic to understand this.

The meaning of love to me was always about liberating the soul, deep and passionate feelings that will never sway you to look elsewhere. I never swayed, but I always have to make the choice to walk and never turn back. I went by this as in the parable of Lot's wife in the Bible, who turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back into the city that God asked both herself and Lot to leave.

Over the past 10 years, love has proven to me that it is so intangible, so treacherous in spite of it's enticing promise of fulfillment of a lifetime. The emotions that not only surrounds it, but entails it - the joy, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointments. Love hurts. Hurts so deep that no words could describe.

Then again, love is so joyful when it comes into your life, and so painful when it threatens your life. You just want to save yourself before it hits you too hard, before your sanity gives way and leave you completely changed for life. Trials of love are said to be good, but I cannot comprehend what good will this one brings because the hurt can be so unbearable.

I still cannot see how some of my girlfriends settle for second best, but theorectically, I now understand it. Though I cannot live like they did, because their priority is to marry before their time pass them by. I am not needy enough to marry for such reasons. I will only marry until I have found a true, passionate love. Somehow, this is being idealistic. I did think I have found it. I felt it, but what went wrong?

Let me tell you a story of a friend who lives in Bandar Utama, who is also Winnie's close friend. Her name is Mable. Now, Mable would call women like Winnie and me 'stupid', because we are, in a way. We refuse to go out with men that we do not feel much for, we will not stop for any man that we don't have chemistry with. We hardly feel any chemistry, but once we feel it, we are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Anyway, here is Mable's story, and how she was once like Winnie and I, but she changed over the years as having 'sobered up' as she has said. Mable left her Thai boyfriend of 10 years whom she will always love. She is now 3 months' pregnant and married to a Korean and living in the States. The Korean husband loves her more than she does, but still she's really happy because she knows she will never be disappointed again.

Mable met her Thai boyfriend during her university days, they had all the chemistry in the world, the love was true, but he was always pessimistic, a worry wart - basically weak. He didn't want to come to Malaysia to work, and when Mable wanted to sacrifice to go to Thailand to work and be with him, he would be negative about it and said that she'll never find a job there. She asked him 'Where do you want to go? We have to make this work somehow or rather because we will never find a love like ours with anyone else!' The Thai boyfriend agreed, and said, 'San Francisco, darling - let's go there'. Mable packed her bags, and got herself a job in San Fran. For 3 long, lonely years she waited for him there. Though there were many suitors, who are hot and bothered over Mable, but she always said 'no'... She continued her vigil in waiting. The Thai boyfriend never showed up, forever procastinating. They travelled to and fro, wasted time and money. He still couldn't decide when to go over. Mable finally gave up, and completely broken-hearted, she made a drastic move - moved to another place, changed her contact details and went on to a new job in San Fran. Soon, she started a new life, she gave in to a Korean friend whom she met in San Fran a couple of years' back. It was perfect, he could nurse her broken heart, and is completely crazy over her all along. He proposed, she accepted.

With the recent Tsunami catastrophe, Mable spoke to Winnie, "I am worried sick of my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I still dream of him every night, because he is the only love that I have in my heart. I will always love him, but on the other hand, I am now already married and is a mother-to-be. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I forced myself to eat for the sake of my baby." Winnie said to her, "Then, give him a call". Mable said, "No, sometimes it's better to love someone from afar than to be nearby". How sad!

Both Winnie and I were red-eyed with unshed tears upon hearing this. We are so frightened of being like Mable. We don't want to be like Mable, it'll be our worst nightmare. Though we love Mable and respect her thinking and her choices. But, we'd rather stay single all our lives than to settle for second bests like Mable did. It's like cheating when you lie in bed thinking of someone else. It's like having a foreign body in you when you are expecting a baby of someone that you do not love.

But what can one do, when the love of a lifetime couldn't decide? Both Winnie and I are going through the same dilemma, chasing our own tails, loving our own men who are flawed the same way as Mable's ex. I do not want to be with another man ever in my life again when this doesn't work out. This is my last stop, I will press on to other things, channel all my love and energy into more tangible things. I will need to work really hard, and be a battle axe with a hardy shell so that I will save up enough money for my future, and be able to pay for a good a nursing home when I can no longer take care of myself.

For the past month, I've been a walking corpse. I turned to God, big time. Praying 4-5 times a day, breaking down each time, doesn't matter where I was - in the office, at home, in the gym, in public. I'm at the brink of going insane, I fought very hard not to. I am happy one moment, and then I find myself crying the next moment, and then laughing again. I'd be in meetings, and all of a sudden I'd start crying, and I have to lie to my colleagues that something got into my eyes and I have to wash it out. I kept pretending. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not in the right frame of mind. How painful to go through this.

I've been singing the Patti Smith & Don Henley song the whole day, it's been playing in my head after I put down the phone tonight with him... I have had a painful trash out with him. I had to get if of my chest, because I have to let him know. I wouldn't let him know if I don't love him. I need him to decide for himself, and not out of guilt for me or for the other girl. The words coming out of my mouth, hurts me as I said them, and I think, it had hurt him too. If he has a heart, he will do the right thing in coming out clean. All the pretty words he said, love and all that stuff, it couldn't tally with his actions. I kept seeing the images of the American boys who tried to ask me out when I was at the university, I couldn't trust them an inch, because I know that they just wanted sex and experience an Asian girl. It scares me whenever I see this, I've always been sensitive towards such things, but how could I miss this one? It was so painful to start drawing such comparisons, that I have to give an ultimatum. An ultimatum that will at least, help him to be responsible for himself. At least, a salvation earned for him having done some good in his life. At least...

I gave him 7 days to decide, it'll be the longest 7 days of my life. But I'm willing to take the risk, because I have to get back to being normal. I hope he understands. Yet, I'm still praying for blessings for him and the other girl. Whenever I pray, I'd cry like a baby, because I'm so tempted to be unforgiving and bitter, but I know that I mustn't and I must see past this and be filled with grace and mercy for everything, as God is as filled with grace and mercy for the little flawed me.

So torn is my heart, and such a painful trial to go through. I too, prayed and is still praying to God for me to trust my beau like I used to, but he has yet to give me reasons to trust him. I still love him, and I don't know why God is not taking it away from me if he is not to be the one for me. I don't know what good it'll come out of this love of mine that will possibly be crushed in time to come. I suppose I'll only comprehend in God's good timing, and being prayerful at all times seems to be the only consolation and solace to my soul.

There comes a time in life, like mine now, when you know that words are not enough. You want to see the actions in place, you want some form of commitment. It's not pressing for marriage, nor is it about impatience or about the lacking of perseverance. It's about being fair, being considerate and being long sighted. Where does one go when one realises that sometimes love just ain't enough? I'll leave you now with this Patti Smith & Don Henley song, whoever who reads this blog, I hope you will pray for me:

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you,
just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you,
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus) But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you,
but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough. Oh, Oh, Oh, No