Famous last words...

Over the years, I remember making strong and mule-headed statements that I thought I could stick by for the rest of my life. May it be my responses towards events and issues, experienced or stuff downloaded from family and friends, or the gunk I’ve read in the media. Yes, I do indeed, perhaps sadly have and had my opinion over anything and everything - a tad bit short of being totally judgemental. Even things that I do not know, I’d go all the way out to do a research to learn more about it so that I know what I’m talking about, in which could be termed as being kiasu (a hokkien term for 'afraid to lose out').

I have had and still have strong opinion towards this and that, as old habits die hard. I have however, I picked up some tact along the way, eventhough bluntness still escapes and gets the best of me. Edging myself to slow down some, perhaps due to age and being-quick-to-tire-out I have now retrained or conditioned myself to accept that not everything must come with an opinion - just accept it flat 'as it is'.

I remember being so opinionated that I struggled very hard to stick by my reasoning and train of thought. Sadly, I did not only become a pain to others, but to myself as well. Every once in a while, I still feel like a pain at times by being burdened with opinions. I didn't have a word for my impossibilities, but over the years, the word was formed and it became clearer... yes, 'pride' is the word.

I was indeed, screaming with pride and an ego with the egg-size of an ostrich's or emu's. How silly of me, and now, I can laugh about it, but then, it was no joke... I take things so seriously. I began to dig into my old days, and roughly mapped my then opinion to idealistic situations or frameworks. It was a tall order, where non-humans could go or achieve.

Such superhuman expectations to attain such ideals helped me to build a towering fortress around me. I meant to have myself in my sanctitised realm, which is befitting to be locked away for good. Only the like-minded get to share this very idealistic world of mine. I can now laugh at all that time wasted in investing so much of myself for the sake of personal face which I have then comfortably coined with another word "the facts", but I was just being plain righteous. It must be then palatable for me to reason further by soothing my pride call them 'principles'. Principles to perfection they are, because I soon became very unforgiving of myself for every unattained goal, and it spilled over unto people around me - I gave them tall orders too.

I've stated many famous last words - these words were strewn carelessly and strongly in little speeches and yacks, usually evangelised as unsolicited advise without realising that I sadly lack tact in wisdom for them in spite of having researched. Aging gave me some depth, and I'm sure, there's more depth to go and I will wait patiently and deal with life as I go along. No more will I enter the realm of topics with pre-occupied opinion, and feel crushed later on to discover that I chuck notes on researches that do not sooth me, and quote those that suits me.

So opinionated that I was, I began to convert my loved ones to see my points and to understand them. Good God, what a mess and maze! I realised that did not only hurt others in the process, but myself too. Only in later years, did I actively practice the art of compromising and forgiveness and to find the perfection in the imperfect. The world transformed to be a more beautiful place to live in, and my second-child syndrome began to ebb away as well.

To date, with some gained wisdom from many falls and rises, 'principles' to me are to stick as close as possible to the 10 commandments and the beatitudes as possible. It's definitely hard to be like the Biblical Job, or to emulate Christ's steps. Remapping my faith and given time did teach me lessons, and I've had painfully learned from each and every one of them. Only in defeat and disappointments did I take a few steps back to view my world and myself from a third party's viewpoint. I've learned that not only people around me are humans, so am I, and rigidity is not to be applied to everything.

Thinking back now, I saw the contrasting differences - I've even lost track of the numerous changes gained from observations and experiences. It's to the extend of practicing a completely opposite act or move on to the next track to the then-dearly-held statements. Those famous last words are meant to be cast in iron, and many of those heavy casts have been hurled onto others through a web of words that have and had passed my lips. Matriach-style, and unfashionable was what I practiced and pratised as I refused to adapt to many changes. Then, I will not want to change, because I fear of being malleable and evolutionised to be something unethical or unprincipled. The harder I try, the more painful I became to the self and to others. My actions, my words, have and had slapped back onto my very face. How true it is for the old saying, 'for every action, there's a repercussion'. Repercussion it seems, has rippled on for years to beat me into my form today, a complete change of my former self. I am taking things apart, and learning to recategorise and repriotise the order of what and how I say things.

In my journey of learning and unlearning, I pause to listen to my surroundings and myself - to gauge my thoughts from my talk to walk, and thinking this way and doing this. I fear of losing my principles, my focus in life and all that I hold dear to. 'Principles' as I've known were compartmentalised by my own devised hypothetical and theorectical frameworks. With much folly, I'd stick to the ground with my own framework of thought and fail to listen before I speak.

Perhaps I've lost that old originality of a high priestess mentality, but I believe stepping down from that pedestal has made me a better person for the society, my family and myself. Remembering that others are being human and I myself too, is human, I've acquired acceptance of weaknesses by tapping on strengths. My old expectations are now toned down, and there are no longer hurdles of tall orders to ahead of me. My world is now shared, and it no longer of that belonging to the white elephants of the land yonder. Knowing and understanding all these with a thought-over insight, I now blanch with shame for all those past unaudible mutterings beneath my own breath or of those uttered in defiance and rock-solid stance. My words, those famous last words, eventhough it may be of the past, still ring loudly in my ears. I realised my blanching is an internal struggle with my own self-forgiveness. Still, it's the battle of the pride within. The insurmountable pride, laced with prejudice at times, had their adverse effect. The once towering walls of self-pride and even negative pride I've practiced have today forced me to my knees. Time and again, I've been bowled over by lessons in humility.

All I can say today is that it's better to be kind than to be always right. How true it is, that observations from others combined with personal experiences can change the course of one's life, in which I believe is the only road to wisdom-hood. With this, I've learned to speak slower, and listen more. Such patience did me a whole lot of good, and I feel more lovable of my self, and of others - everyday I'm learning new things, rediscovering new little things of the surroundings and myself each day, associating and disassociating, whichever that is applicable. Unlearning is also part of the process. All I want these days is practice grace, and to remember to be a better person for my family, the community as a whole, and most of all, for myself.