Heading towards a greener pasture

A week has passed me by since I have attended a farewell dinner and wished the best to an ex-colleague who has landed herself a job in Kiwi-land.

It brings me joy to see someone hatching from the mundane shell of things to see and experience a new world of opportunities. This in turn, got my mind ticking again of my opportunity in doing the very same thing. Now, only if I have had taken it on a year and a half ago. Well, it's still not too late to realise it, I'd say.

The recent proposed change of management structure and the politickings at work made that 'realisation' even more vivid. I suppose there has been a built up of things, which also contained the seedings contributed by my sister's ideas and thoughts of remaining in this country.

Here I am, a little more than a week to the 48th year of the Malaysian independence celebration... So, where did my patrioticism go? I feel nothing more than lukewarm. I think it was never quite there, the warmth nor the coldnes. Though trails of warmth were salvaged during my days in the States as in being 'proud to be Malaysian', however, it all changed when I had to return home. Upon arriving home, not knowing where my future will lead me to, I was lost in a world of my own - filled with contempt, filled with obligations. It was all that I was then as obligations created a din between my ears. My father, whom I love unconditionally has gotten me to where I am today, rooted and obligated.

Filiality was greater than patrioticism, of course. As the pride has fizzled out by now due to the years of drummings and happenings, the loss of opportunities, the many degrees of attitudes and sub-cultures manifesting from all unthinkable and unsuspectable situations. The experience to date has its magnitude on my self, my growth and my sense of belonging. I have had allowed such to have affected or infected me, there's no one to point a finger at. Somehow or rather, these emotions well up, and contaminates my mind in many ways. My solution to decontaminate whenever I can is by getting out of the country at least once a year, or if I have more leave days to play with, twice.

I'd like to make this home, my green pasture, even as a second-class citizen, with the irony of being the 5th generation here. For some reason, there are more brown bits and weeds growing in my green pasture than its 'should be lush-green'. It had me realising that many things seem to scream 'it's a dead end'. My Dad thinks that I lack positive thinking, but my dreams are darting across my mind, leaping into a form of hallucination, if not reality. I think Dad is of a different generation and has different things to look forward to, and afterall where is he to go since he has us all around him? I will have no one when my parents pass on if I continue to be affected and infected. I'll have to decide for myself, the sooner the better - completely decontaminate.

Now, should I head off back to my plans 2 years ago by getting back to my good ol' green pastures in the land yonder? It's getting more attractive as the days go by, especially when I've begun to drag my feet to work, and hear unsolicited advise to be married and to settle down. My sis and Zorah's right, I can still hear their words. It is my 'self' that I have to listen to - my ways, my style, my being - I cannot be contained here, else I risk total intoxication. I need my growth, and I will grow in time to come, my mind has once again begun to click.