Ever notice the same ol' patterns going through life time and again? Yup, old habits are hard to break, and they are die-hard clingy! This sunday morning, I lay in bed with the word "Groundhog day" stuck in my mind. I begun pondering over a little bit of this and that over the years of my observations on emotional issues and all the been-there-tried-that approaches to get out of groundhog days.
There's no getting things right when there's no changing of life patterns and of course, it's not about changing who you are, but how you are at the end of the day. I've watched the reruns of "Groundhog day" where Bill Murray and Andie McDowell stars in, and I've never found myself any less amused with the lines in the movie. The character never got out of his groundhog day till he got things right in the end, of course, with lots of trial and errors, but he got it through in the end. Excellent movie, I'd say, and I think it's a must-see for everyone to actually break into their own shell of repetitive living.
No matter how much we think we are like our parents, sometimes we pop out and grow up to be thinking that we are completely different and lacking the right communication skills to iron old issues out. Quietly inside us, we would like to be partnered with someone who is either the opposite of how either of our parent is like. Our head expand and contrict upon finding out that how much like our parent the partner is when we thought we have chosen to be with someone who is not? Get the drill? It's a shock to the system, and you wonder, "What is going on here?"
Anyhoo, here's an example, expression-filled offsprings are often hatched by expressionless parents, while expression-filled parents usually hatch expressionless offsprings. Likewise, when either type of offspring are matched off, they end up with the opposite type of who they are. So much for saying 'opposites attract', when there are so much similarities to one's genetic make-up that did not manifest!
So, with expressionless partners gets stuck with expression-filled partners and vice versa till the clamy hands of depatch-do-they-part, but somehow seem to live blissfully happy in the end... where both partners seemed to still be themselves, but possess marked changes of how they used to be?
Now, let's get back to what's the groundhog day is all about - which is before one figured out how one should be without changing who one is. When growing up, we go through repetitive communication to break through the parents' wall of expressionless or overtly expression-filled ways. What we needed is to be heard, and to be happy. However, we seemed to either impress upon the clamp up button on parents who are already expressionless, or activate a more noisy button on expression-filled parents. For the initial, the offspring ends up having verbal diarrhea, while the latter, the offspring ends up being completely constipated.
Only when a change of pattern in communication takes place (to do the unexpected and the unpredictable), we get the recipient to meet us halfway. Some may choose to see this as a form of manipulation, but I'd say that it's a wise way of getting messages across.
Unfortunately, when a change of communication pattern does not take place, one is stuck in the groundhog day of things. This usually carries over into the offsprings' later life of ending up with a partner being exactly like the offsprings' parents. How true it is that I find, being a completely expression-filled individual, hah!
I've noticed and even experienced for my ownself on being stuck in the rut of groundhog hell. Yes, it's all about repetitive emotional issues and failed approaches in being heard and getting things done the way you or I want it. Not that either of us are selfish little snitches or donkeys, but we're willing to meet halfway, somewhere, even anywhere! Now, who in the world would think of oneself being inconsiderate? It's all about perception of the self in comparison to what's experienced of others, isn't it?
Anyway, for my case, I didn't figure it out till many years later, that I really need to make big changes in my approach by getting my messages through - to meet halfway. I did not realise that I needed approval from others so much till I caught myself being and doing that exact same thing I did with my parents. I had my fair share of rebelling, and going against my parents, forcing them to come out of the expressionless shells to actually tell me what to do, and that made me even more stubborn to go against every single thing. When they say, "sit", I stood. You get the drill.
My approach then is to be less-wanting-to-please, less-acommodating and and learn to please myself more by doing what I want to do instead of doing what others want me to do, and doing what makes them happy. I became selfish at one point in my parents' eyes, but somehow, the men I dated were exactly the way my parents were. This was the dilemma I was stuck in the past. It wasn't solved till I figure out that I need to communicate batter in a more effective way instead of being emotional about everything. I learned that my need to make myself happy for myself is not always the way it's viewed by my parents as being wise. Hence, I began speaking calmly and see how they react to each sentence before I form the next. Instead of pre-planning everything and gush like a geyser. This became a more active approach and my choice of words became more palatable, while my parents' became more expressive through this training. My parents and I grew together, and on my part, it's an over-due wisdom that age brings forth, while my parents viewpoint is, "Thank God she finally figured it out".
My men of the past and even the current one has gold in the mouth, as per my parents used to be. They probaby were and are still very stingy on showing the gold till the right set of words is said. You know, like Aladdin's 'open sesame' secret password... I'm sure you know what I mean. Hence, only with the sight of the glimmer and glitter of gold then, I get a feedback. Otherwise, it's clamped shut. I learned that my password needs to change, depending on which part of the rock I'm facing - they are all approaches of love, not of righteousness - such words range from reasonable to considerate, and understanding to firm.
The years taught me to use different approaches, even with my very own little Napoleon at home. I realised that I'm the one who's always expressing on what I'm unhappy about instead of what I'm happy about. The lack of positiveness created a mess, and the thing is that I didn't even realise it till much later on! This carried into my personal relationships and also a fated attraction towards the same kind of clamp-mouthed-specie.
So, acceptance of what each other are like is the key here, and approaches with love, not time, heals wounds and bridges gaps. My approach these days is on how I want to be with an attitude of "Ok, do what you like, I'm just going to do what I like. See ya later". The strange formation of mutual respect took place with this. So, both parties' now are happy with what they want to do, and so am I without having to stress myself up with all the 'why's' in the world that echoes back "it's the way it is, don't ask why".
Poking my head of out Groundhog hell over the years have been as interesting as knocking my head on wood. You're probably thinking that I've probably wasted all that time figuring life out, but there's some good ol' wisdom that yields from knocking on wood. Yes, it dislodges some old habits to give way to new ones to form, and give a little space for more love to percipitate and glue some salvage-able dislodged pieces back in new positions, while leaving the unsalvage-able ones filed away in the 'not lovable habits section' as reminders in the mind and heart.
It doesn't matter any more how new and better habits come about, as the only way to figure it out is to remember to love even the unlovable and be mindful, empathetical and go through the trials and errors to find your own niche in the end - be yourself, be who you are, and don't stinge on changing things on how you are going to do it to make the world a better place to live in for you and for others.
