"Problems" and Strange friendships
Time and again, I tell myself that at this day and age, I'm done with adolescent problems being plonked onto my plate. Yes. I'm talking about grown ups who are living in a 20-year-old time warp of soul-searching and discovering 'the self'. For some reason, I have attracted odd balls who treat me like their shrink just because they've discovered that psychology is my first discipline at the university. Bloody hell, I've explained a million and one times that I'm not qualified even to be an informal shrink.
If only I've clocked in 10 cents per minute over these years for time wasted in listening to problems, I'd be a millionaire by now! Call it baggage / extra luggage or whatever, sharing someone's burden doesn't mean that they completely dump their whole cartload of problems on you to solve. Problems are unique to an individual, and they are as subjective as them come i.e. what's a small thing to me could be a big thing to someone else etc... you get the drill. I couldn't believe that I was wavered into contacting an old friend whom I've cut off quietly for more than 6 months after hearing the same old negative things.
Sigh...I'm at awe and sometimes even shell-shocked at whom I'm still keeping the fires of friendship burning. All the negative things that I've heard had probably taken it's toll on me - now that it explains my sudden wave of tiredness and sometimes being stuck in a negative cycle of life at times!
I am now once again, doing my pilgrimage to work slowly towards my boat of positiveness, in walking uphill with my faith in God to keep myself asail in the bliss of hope. Yes, excusing myself is aplenty, because I'm human. I can only do what I can in my own humane capability, and just lend an ear. Never for a day did I think or try to play the role of a super woman, though I sometimes catch myself at the midst of being busier than a bee by over exerting myself to help. I need to help myself these days, gone are the college days and days of my 20s where I lose myself in someone else's problems!
What is the use of getting sapped of energy that lacks appreciation? I tell myself that I'm just listening, and yet, am still being demanded of both my time and energy. Perhaps I've learned a negative trait, by being selfish. I'm thinking more for my own needs in life these days. Sacrifices can be for God, and for a few loved ones, but not for all. I have become selective.
There are even times that I get so cynical from listening that I feel that I am the victim rather than them being the victim! How absurd! Sometimes I think I do possess more testerone than any other females, and definitely cursed with a soft lumpy heart in wanting to help and solve problems, I am a self-made victim and to be victimised. Serves me right! Yes, I've picked this up ages ago and did come to realise my little cycle of a simbiosis relationship with such strange friendships.
Though I have re-categorised the many friends that I have, and made a list of whom to contact more and whom to contact less. There are even a good few that I just had to cut off as they evolved into some toxic beings that stunts both my spiritual and sanity growth... and their obsessive need to trash me for either listening or not listening to them is to help themselves to feel elevated. I've now put a cap to that abuse.
I've tried as much as I could to be a good Christian with a compassionate heart, but still, I struggle to love the unlovable, and forgive the unforgiveable. Over time, the hurt wans off, and am back to giving another go at the friendship. In most cases, 'things are the way as they were before', so, I stepped away for good and close the chapter, and tag a 'I give up' tab on such.
Indeed, effective comparmentalising of emotions and creating little boxes is what I need to do (in which I've done so). I've learned to neatly contain and box up cases - each to it's special little box. Still, once in a while, I meet a jack-in-a-box from these boxes, and I had to attend to a case or two. Most cases ended up reliving the same ol' nightmare, but a few rare occassions, things mended.
Nevertheless, I'm back to organising my own stuff and clean my own skeletons in the closet, no more opening myself to another old friend and old problems that has been aired for years... and it's no wonder why my phone has stopped ringing lol. Seems like I have more toxic friends than really good ones! Cheers to a new lease of life! :)
