Faith in times of dryness

... in all sense requires more prayerful moments even when words are scarce. I am in this moment, have missing gaps in my prayers eventhough my heart swells with endless things to pray for, and yet I do not know where and how to begin.

This dryness amidst of my faith, has seeped into my mind and heart, in which I did not want to admit, is actually a stumbling block - pride. Such great pride I have, and so little perseverence I have eventhough I'm a great believer of perseverance.

At this point of my life, I am struggling with how much I need to learn about humility. How much lacking I am of expressing my love and kindness to those around me. I'm saddened by this, this lack of expression. I used to be filled with expressions, has it all been lost in my idleness of mind and hands?

Life has not been hard, but the trivialities have magnified itself and sown unhealthy seeds in both my mind and heart. All stemmed from being judged and my judgmental ways towards myself. My fear of losing my footing is great, and finding myself having less control over my life as in how I'd like it to be doesn't comfort me. I've never been in this situation, and perhaps this is a small scale, a miniscule scale of what I can relate to the book of Job. I need God so much, yet I can't express myself in my prayers. How ironic.

Strange, but I believe if God has placed me in this situation, this very experience of unexplanable dryness and lack of control has pushed me to pray prayers of no words, I've read so many testimonies, that God is working in those at such time in preparation for them to face a bigger job in His Will. I have this premonition, feel it in my bones that a time will come where my mind will reel in busy-ness and I will be once again be normalised to my upbeated self. I'd like to lose the old contented cow-self within me, the living-in-a-bubble world where I will not get up till someone pricks my bubble.

Contentedness isn't always good, and I know its consequenes. My works must once again begin, and I have begun my promise of a pledge in the old days. to serve, and to serve, it begins from the home.

Overjoyed that I am now, to be able to attend the studies on St. Paul's letters with my love, and yet I've not begun my walk in faith in togetherness with my love. We walk in faith, but at different pace. We're not in sync, but I know we'll soon be in sync. I have not lost hope because I know he loves God, and longs for God's grace. No different from me. In this sense, we're in sync.

How melancholy and inconsistent I sound, yet I have a quiet joy within because I have endless hope. To have faith, I have the birth of hope. To give birth to hope, I have the road of perseverance ahead of me. I'm still learning, learning in times of dryness.