In our sisterly gossips and exchanging of ideas, my sister and I mulled over this in a 2-hour trunk call all the way from London! So, back to the topic, our point of reference is that of our childhood girlfriends, whom are happily married. Eventhough we are happy for them, we still feel that our girlfriends deserve much, much better men!
It's interesting to see how they went about sacrificing by completely going through a change of lifestyle, diet, and even preferences and choices in life. Much to our chagrin, they have even moulded themselves to be the women that their husbands wanted them to be - lost their natural sheen, made Marie France's owner's pockets bloat with cash too - they've became insignificant to who they were originally created as... their beliefs, what they fought for, educated for and lived for, to name a few. However, the husbands are never 'the men that they ever wanted', but stretched out to fit what our girls could 'make do' with - to be part of the norm instead of being competantly matched. Something changed along the way, such is the tale of destiny.
In soothing their men's pride, our gal pals chose to elavate them on pedestals by allowing them to take lead, while them girls take a backseat in their lives and career. Blame it on the treacherous ticking of the biological clock and also peer pressure, they have succumbed and simplified their choices - sad, but true.
We've witnessed both extreme scenarios ranging from days of being lovey-dovey to bitter. When the bitter gets going, it's gets tougher... our girls would go with their 'whys' and turn completely emotive, while their men would be defensive by being factual, discounting their wives' reasoning as being illogical. When the woman gains a momentum in coming out 'right' in the situation, the man would dive into anatomical referrals as a 'get back', but just as equally emotive. When the man turns out to be 'right', the hammering continues till the woman is almost reduced to tears. Unfair! For all the right reasons sis and I could not help but to feel ripples of disgust and waves of cringes through us when we witness them airing their dirty linen. Gender communication issues? It's just a battle of ego. Must the man be victorious by proving that he can have the last word? How could she ever be deserving of such verbal mentals irregardless to whether she's right or wrong? Can't one be civil and reasonable? Sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right at all times.
At times, we find that their men can be selfish and egoistic louts who lack appreciation for landing themselves priceless gems. On the other hand, our girls are a little too soft and easy going, leaving them vulnerable to being unintentionally bullied by their men. Sis and I agreed to the fact that many Asiatic women are a little that way, by choice. Are they emulating their mothers' way (genetic, hmmm?).
Now, now, these men are considered a 'good catch' in the society, both in outlooks, career plus the bonus of being a tad bit minted. Not forgetting that they've also gone through the mill of formal education, with the add-ons of being jaded with experience and perhaps, tarnished with exposure. However, they still lack common sense and tact - it's only human to err? In true fact, such persons should have at least learned some refinery in words and actions (that's the 'no-excuses' bit in me quipping). The most crass words (downright disparaging and unacceptable) can leak from these educated mouths. All these only made sis and I think that once these men have contracted an allergy to gallantry.
We took a look at our girlfriends again, and find them not derailing far from their gorgeous ol' selves, but why are their men not supportive of them at all times? Isn't that part of the marriage vow - 'for better or for worse'? What left sis and I aghast and agawked are that our girlfriends still look up to their men adoringly despite all that's said and all those unacceptable vibes! Mag once said to me in regards to a specific rough spot she went through, "That's love for ya, Ange". I gave her a quizzical look, and I guess I'll really never understand.
Though we have given a benefit of a doubt that what we have witnessed from our very human eyes are truly private affair and also a husbandry-wifery hum drums cum affection. Still, our girls complain but do nothing about it. When we quiz our girls at times, they'd defend with something to this effect: 'You will never understand this unless you are married'... which means that our opinion is completely discounted and we are left with only the choice of listening but stinge on our comments or viewpoints.
Right, our girlfriends' men do not measure up to Greek gods, neither from the back, nor the pinky of their phalanges. No, no, no, am not saying that the crust matters the most, but it's all that underneath the crust.
Even on their men's most neutral days and best behaviours, we've seen them comparing their wives to other women on the street, creating a benchmark for their wives as an epitome of 'what a woman should be like'. Hey, after a couple of kids, the woman's body changes and will never regain the same shape again. Their men never want their women to be any different from the day that they married them. Makes both sis and I think that whether in time to come, when our gal pals have weathered naturally, would their men toss them aside like old teddies of yesteryear's Christmas? Is he worthy of all her sacrifice?
Sis and I never agreed to that of course, but we continued to be polite and supportive. However, we are making notes like mad, and reminding ourselves to never marry till we are competantly matched and would take no nonsense. Maybe that's our problem? lol Oh well, at least that's how both sis and I feel about how originality and the acceptance of individuality should be the priority. Though the interesting bit here is that there is no formula in being rightfully matched, but it definitely takes two to tango.
Anyway, we moved on to contrasting our darling Margie, Kit, CC, Mag and Jo to other close girlfriends who are divorced. It's interesting to see the tough ones who brave it all through an amazing race of survival by not wanting to be slighted in anyway, but they overdid it by emasculating their men. In this sense, we are looking at things from a biased view point - their men are truly not good enough to measure up?
We gathered our memory on days that our gal pals spoke to us in great lengths about the flaws of their men before marriage and more flaws unfurled after marriage - their heartbreaks and all (of course, we hear less from them when they're happy, but constant calls from them when they are sad!).
When our girls' complaints came, we listened, and only offer advise of keeping the marriage together and to forgive the bad that has occured. They all eventually made up, and lived on happily again till the next episode of disagreement cropped up. Vicious cycle, but they've made their beds, so the best advise is to lie on it and make the best out of it. Ah... you get the drift... it still goes back to the question in our minds again, "Is he worthy of her?" whenever our girlfriends choke on their tears when they tell us how broken hearted and disappointed they are ...
Anyway, both sis and I love and also know our girlfriends so well that we feel that not many men are worthy of them and would appreciate the beauty of their qualities. Our girlfriends knew and also love us in return, but at the end of the day, we have our own lives to lead, and more choices to make as long as we are still single. We learn from their experiences, and it makes us more wary of what lies ahead of us than to take things for granted.
We also realised that we have slapped on expectations that are so tall that no ordinary men can meet up to how we feel of our gal pals! Likewise, it clicked in sis and I that we are not married to this day because we think in such a way, as in 'no one's worthy of sacrifice' other than the Sovereign God. It's a good thing that our girlfriends are a far shot from our idealistic or possible unrealistic ideologies.
With our articulated ways and non-too-traditional mannerisms, we are banished to the category of being 'anglosised Malaysian chicks'. Such views seem to lace with our snootiness too, as both are growing exponentially as the years go by. Is there something wrong with us? Too prim and proper?
We can't seem to get along with our Malaysian men as partners due to their mentality and the outrageous ego (at least that is what we have experienced, but we understand that this is not true and applicable to every Malaysian lass out there), and we are definitely not short of them as suitors as well (though the numbers have declined as we aged). All we need is to 'simplify' our needs by closing one eye... maybe both eyes? 'Just lie back and think of Malaysia' kind of mentality? Our gal pals, who appear to be very much like us (that's why we are almost inseparable as we were growing up), evolved and took up the challenge and made the effort to jive and fill in the gap, by seeing more similarities than differences in their men to themselves.
Hence, sis and I agreed to the fact as we grow, our priorities in life changes, and there'll be repercussions in whatever we decide on. We are well aware of not following the pathways our girlfriends have taken, and we do not want to be part of the statistics of the declining world as some of our gal pals have hit red on, but can we avoid them all since we are emotive creatures?
What we held dearly to are our dignity and how comfortable we are of ourselves and how much we can't sacrifice 100% of our comforts just for the sake of marriage! Where's the middle ground in this? We too realised that we will discover where the middle ground is when we reach that stage, but right now, we are not going to brood and sweat over it. As for now, we are convinced that there's nothing wrong in thinking the way we thought, are thinking and will think. It's just a matter of us being 'us' and we are not ashamed to be ourselves, and be all optimistic and confident of all that life brings forth. We will take our own growth and discoveries in our own stride, and perhaps in time to come, before our destiny fuses, the right fellow who appreciates our originality will drop out from the sky and into our arms! lol
As for our gal pals? As long as they believe that their men are worthy of them, we will accelerate on the mental support, and even physical ones if we can afford them. Life's too short to regurgitate and reanalyse and regret, aye?
In my time, my eyes have risen and fallen on the few men that have passed me by. Likewise, my sister is not exempted either from similar kind of experiences - yeah, the same old story of love and betrayal. Relooking at life once again, my sis and I evaluated where we stand right now, in our 30s, we love this age, we enjoy our freedom, we love ourselves dearly. With this, my sister, in turn, asked me of my relationship in my 30s compared to the one that I had in my 20s, and I paused for a second before answering, "I am more confident in saying that who I am seeing now is all the man that I want in my life." The next question that popped out of Aggie's mouth is, "Are you all the woman that he wants in his life?". I said, "I'll let him answer that, because he's in his 30s too". Yeah, peals of girlie laughter followed suit (don't think anyone would get this joke).
At the end of the conversation, popped back to the topic again, and sis and I felt that the least we could do as a continuous support to our girlfriends. That is to accept things the way it is - when they are happy, we will rejoice with them, when they cry, we will comfort them. However, we promised to remind each other that we must never, ever lose our identity when we are matched in the future. We want our men and us to be worthy of each other through mutual respect and acceptance - to be equally yoked. Is that too much to ask for?
