Angry little Chinese Girl

Take this @#$$&%#&$!!! Take that !^#*#$@#@^#&!!!

In particular to my family the head of the house and the son - I have harboured bitterness as a daughter and older sister to the unfairness in treatment and the lack of equality in life. I feel controlled, and calculated on all the time despite my years of sacrifices for my own life and my capabilities in the name of family, a filial daughter and a supportive sister.

Yes, this is in regards to the buying of the house again, where the title deed is in my brother's name, and all decisions are made by my Father dearest and brother most undearest. The funny deal, or rather the joke of the century is that I have 1/8th of share in it, while sister has a share of 1/4th in monetary contribution but no documentation or anything visible is allowed to record that we are actually contributing. Sister has to use up her lifelong savings for it, while I refused to touch mine but took up a loan to make up for brother's measly earnings, while letting him appear to be the principle borrower. Thanks to Father, who has made me feel like a rotten daughter for voicing out how unfair the deal is... he has made me cry and made me feel like I will burn in hell for not being filial in regards to this. The whole objective is to say yes without further questions, and forget about logic as it plays no part in it - it's all about filiality. Get it?

For the payup of the loan, I was just instructed today to put in 50% of the payment 'silently' and to not record them because 'it's not allowed, and it's a pure sign of disrespect of parents' wishes and lack of love for the family', according to my Father. When I say 'it's not fair, they say that I have a fucked up mentality and is anti-establishment of unity, peace and a good Christian family'. What kind of a train of thought is it that they are having? There's no logic, and I don't see an ounce of love or family support in this!!! Everything's discussed behind my sister and my back, and we are always 'told and instructed'... and mind you, we're older sisters!!! Not younger ones!!!

Bloody hell, what kind of a deal is that? On top of paying for the house, my Father says, "You have to still give rent to your brother because you cannot be living for free, as for your sister, she has used up her savings and did her part, and you are yet to do yours". What free? I am already paying for part of the loan, aren't I counted in? We rent a room out as well, and I gave it all to my brother but don't mind dishing out my share of the loan.... BUT to pay up extras... this is ridiculous. My brother, though sees me every single day, does not want to talk to me, but wants my money, wants me to cook, wants me to run the house, wants me to do everything. Bloody ungrateful egoistic male who earns less than his sisters, who is all loud-mouthed and a bully but turns into a pussy when it comes to anything that has to deal with the external things - even in arguing for a refund of unfair extra charge by the electrical company and telephone company. The infinite ego is pent up and misused to treat sisters like trash.... who finds fault with us every single day to make us feel small - like we're not deserving of kindness. Our filiality is being taken for granted! What are we girls? Chopped liver? My parents, are in full support of this, as in arguing that "daughters must support the brother as brother earns less". Bloody hell!!! I'm so angry that I could puke blood and shed tears of blood! It's a fucking trap so that the daughters' wings are forever cropped! What about daughters' lives, just because they will marry and 'lose' the last name they are not deserving of fair treatment? What about our needs? What about us as humans who are rightful to the same dose of happiness?

Where can there be any happiness at this stage? Father will not live for another 20 years to see what my brother can do. Both sister and I have seen the traits of our brother, the ungrateful one, to kick us out and not honour his deal. Why did I say this? Well, there are quibbles, quarrels and 'harsh statements' emanating from brother even at an early stage before we bought the house, and also, he has become more abusive and more of a 'show off' now with Father's lands and house, and also the forced providence from us to him in getting this new house for his future marriage and new family-to-be.

At the end of the day, in documentation, the house will never mention sister or me. My proposal to this in safeguarding my sister and my interest is to draw up another document with a lawyer to state what we have paid up. Father dearest turned purple with rage and was about to have a heart attack and blamed me for shortening his life for being distrustful of my brother said in harsh words, "If you do not trust your brother, it means that you also do not trust your Father. You are killing me with what you have said, and if I die of this you will have no peace in your life and you will regret till you die, and God will punish you". I was such a wreck when I heard that, and cried buckets. I obliged, as I love my Father too much to bear this, and continued to do as he has wished. The problem here is that the beneficiary end product is my brother, who is ungrateful and takes his sisters for granted and never works hard for his money, nor go the extra mile to improve himself. On top of that, he abuses us sisters with harsh words and belittles us and put up high expectations to be super women in running the house, in cooking every single day despite our long hours at work, and to do all marketing and management of everything that comes along the way. Moreoever, we cough up with extra monies all the time to feed the big eater, and is the main provider for everything that meets to his comfort.

In addition to all these, my Father dearest has drawn up his Will and also passed on all the fiefs (heirloom aka the bungalow house back home that is worthy of almost 1 million in the market today, and all the agricultural lands and stocks). Sister and I don't give a toss to that, as we have been drummed in since young that the Yong girls will never get a cent as we are to be married off and will change our sirnames to our husbands. It's interesting why are the Yong women so strong and so capable to this day, we are super women, super humans, resilient to the boot and could stand all sorts of hardships and independent and we all look good as a bonus! What's the bloody fear? *Sigh*Our weakness is that we have too much love for the family, and too bloody filial and loyal and would back down to take all the egoistic traditional crap.

Apart from these, Father dearest tried to even control our personal lives, by telling us who we should and should not date. Father always get upset why sister and I have yet to date or go out with a Chinese man.... believe us, we have tried, but we see the same ego problem - a lack of security and intention to 'control us'. Why should we withstand to this? We already have enough of all these from our upbringing. We could do this for the sake of 'blood is thicker than water', but we surely have a choice in mate to not be so subdued and submit to such demands from an outsider. We have our choices, and we will exercise it!

Both sis and I have long discussions before that we do not want our daughters to be subjected to what we've been subjected! We have both already wasted most of our lives in running the house and cooking and deprived of even going out to have our own time and space. Stupid tradition, stupid upside down logic which coins 'logic' to make us feel abnormal. The endless attacks of how 'lack of warmth and love' for the family. Isn't love free-spirited and filled with willingness? Not forced and demanded? Bloody hell!!! We are both so disappointed, broken-hearted and hurt beyond description!

I can see that now, very clearly, that my sister and I may be the first in the 22 generations of Yong women to break this tradition. Our line is so pure, so traditionally Chinese... and we shall be the first to break it now - it's time, the moment is ripe to end this vicious cycle and have a new breed.

That's it, I'm leaving... I must not dilly-dally in making plans to go off soon. I want to be out of Malaysia next year for good, it's the only way to break away from this insanity. I'll give the monies in full as in accordance to the amount I've borrowed from the bank right before I leave. It's the only way in this family of senselessness, of male chauvenism - I see no sense in it, and I see no reason to this anymore. My sister has taken her steps to go away, and I will be the next. We didn't plan this, we are driven away. In view of this, I will have to plan now for a quick exit. Forget about destiny, forget about fate - Enough is enough! I'm carving my own path now. I hope Father and also God will forgive me, because I can't take it anymore.

Good ol' traditional chinese soup

I passed out into a dreamless bliss last night after gulping down a big bowl of Traditional herbal soup. Nothing beats it when you feel like an extra 'umph' of goodness and nutrients for a tired body. True enough, I sprang out of bed this morning, feeling rejuvenated and ready to seize the day!

Contrary to the good ol' 'Chicken soup for the soul', in which you can drink it at any time and anywhere, the particular type of Traditional Chinese soup I had has to be drunk at a specific time on a day where a woman's cycle ends, and right before one sleeps). Double-boiled under slow fire, this soup is made of 8 herbs [Radix Angelicae Sinensis (Dong Guai or aka Chinese Angelica Root), Rhizoma Rehmanniae Preparata (sheng di huang), Radix Paeoniae Alba (White Peony Root), Rhizoma Atractylodis Macrocephalae (White Atractylodes Rhizome), Radix Codonopsis (dang shen), Rhizoma Ligustici Chuanxiong (Chuanxiong Rhizome), Poria (Fu Ling), Radix Glycyrrhizae Preparata (Zhi Gan Cao)]. Like all concoction of Chinese medicines, each herb has to be in an equal amount and boiled together for it's effects and goodness.

So, all that's said, this soup's goodness is rich in vitamins, and also ranges from cleansing of blood to relieving headaches, improving complexion to correcting irregular monthlies, and plus eliminating hoards of other nitty gritty womanly problems. Most of all, it is to make up for the lost nutrients that women lose after their time of the month, and also add on / strengthen the system (as believed by the Chinese).

Anyway, I've never gave two hoots about traditional chinese medicines in the past. However, I've begun to look into them over the past 3 years, as I find these natural ingredients somehow leave less side effects and give a longer termed prevention for any chance of same ol' problems from recurring. However, this depends on what kind of ailments I have. For example, when I broke my leg, I went for an X-ray first (Western thingy) and get myself casted (plaster of paris), and then for healing processes, I'd finish up all the calciums and stuff and would nose dive into traditional Chinese medicines to get rid of blood clots and other impurities caused by injuries.

Eventhough I alternate between the Western medication and the Chinese ones, I guess I'm slowly discovering how much Asiatic qualities I have in me over the years, and how appreciative I am of being a 'chinese' despite of my anglocised chinese chick demeanor :). So to this day, I still surprise many people around me by going for 'alternative' medicines - "Angela, you don't look like the type who'd take things of such or even believe in this of such!!". Ah... I just smile and not say a word, who needs to explain about things of such? So much for stereotyping, aye?

I came to believe in them while doing my own little non-conventional research on alternative medicines and herbs. Since the Chinese has such an old and established civilisation, and of course, with the proof of so many of us not only present in each and every continent, but also strewn across the crooks and nooks of this earth... it is evident that we have a survival instinct that less of us die (because we know how to take steps of preventing and culling certain health problems), and of course, this in turn results in more of us having a longer lifespan to reproduce to this vast number today! haha! Yeah, what a theory! Well, logically yes, we are far from being an extinct race because of our survival skills *ahem!*.

So, cheers, bottoms up with this Guiness-look-alike herbal soup! More soup, anyone?

In the name of Chemistry

Plopped comfortably on my chair, I'm once again penning down all my thoughts of the day. My cousin, Winnie is dilligently sucking up all the hairballs we've shed over the week. Yes, cats that we are, we shed heathily and happily, and likewise, clean in joy.

I'm thinking that this has a play in chemistry, why? Winnie and I get along fairly well despite our little differences and opinion of certain grey areas in life. We shut up and toe the line when we get on each other's nerves, and not forgetting, this definitely has to do with the chemistry of friendship apart from mere connections of watered-down blood.

So, today's my day off from the daily hum drums of the week. A break in the middle of the week is perfect. From tomorrow onwards, I would be emanating the vibes and plumped up with an aurora that goes along with 'yippee yar yar, the weekend is coming'.

So much for our little talk in bed just now, about our observations in our lives. The men in our lives and what goes through the minds of men. We looked at each other in amazement as we talked, as the emotions displayed on our faces stretches our faces from joy to strange contortions befitting the extremes of normal to abnormal. Hah! Not mentioning our the size of our heads shrink into different sizes as the conversation got heated up. We boiled down to a part where 'chemistry' in relationships is the priority, but somehow, we have come to a stage that perhaps it's not so important afterall? It's just the basic chemicals need to be there - to meet up and be able to tolerate each other. We think of the men that we shoved out of the door, men that we felt who are not worthy of us, and we think that we could have been too harsh then? Still, the feelings of remorse and regrets did not arise, we felt that we did the right thing.

Many girlfriends have advised us that we should 'simplify' our choices so that it's easier for men to meet our benchmark. Our girlfriends missed the point completely of why we are the way we are. Winnie and I concluded that we are just too bloody nice and give our men too much freedom, in where they are the ones who initiate and also the ones who would leave us. Likewise, both Winnie and I have done our share of homework on having non-conventional interviews with many, many girlie tete-a-tete with other women friends (married and unmarried alike), they find that we're not needy enough to keep a man, and lack the experience of putting chains around them! Hah! So, does this mean to keep your man, you have to be the bitch of the century? Winnie and I disagreed, but we looked at all our married friends, all the men were given an ultimatum before they commit to the bliss of marriagedom.

For such sake, many advise that seeped in or airflown or transpired through phone lines have taken place. Yes, the same old question ranging from different mouths, 'It's time you settle down'. I think I'm finally feeling it, and it's getting on my nerves. Poor Winnie had her share earlier than I despite or our one-year age difference? I get a tad less, as none of my siblings are married, but Winnie's side are all happily hooked. All of them seemed to know that we're waiting for that special element to occur or drop out from the sky --> chemistry --> then we'll think about travelling to the direction of being linked first, then the possibility of being associated, and finally ending up in being matched and live happily ever after. Ah... such processes are being laughed at, as 'chemistry will come because a woman should always marry a man who loves her more than she loves him'. Winnie and I could puke bile juice over this theory, at least we used to.... *Sigh*

Today, a change from Winnie's side came, she shared that maybe those women are right. Why wait for chemistry when it's only going to last a short while? Partnership is about compability in many other areas such as security and other plays that forms the whole orchestrated theme of the wedding march. I'm apalled, because I'm not there yet. I hope I won't end up being that way.

So, whatever happened to chemistry? Isn't chemistry all about each partner having the same dose at the same time and react with each similarly? So, could this mean that the element of bitchiness is the catalyst to give rise to effervesence and bubbling effect of the chemicals? Geez, my head's expanding and constricting at the same time, and I now have a migraine while writing this.

Anyhow, here's my theory, a new one... perhaps chemistry is to smoothen the processes of the relationship. Without the chemistry, the relationship if heated under the bunsen fire will still change form and there'll still be a chemical reaction. So, there are unknowns till one tries? So, anyone up to it for a 'try-try business' with me? No thank you, I'm bowing out first. I'm not looking up the Apostle of Paul for help, but will let destiny take charge.

Of fate and life

I can write about this now because enough time has passed. I have learned to move on in life when things have fallen apart, and rebuilt them from scratch again. Somehow, it's never an easy road to recover, but over the eyars, I found patience proved to be the wisdom of overcoming pain and failures. It's the best virtue that I've acquired - at least in many a decision that I've made in life.

Though in reality, I find it harder to rebuild as I grow older, and I find myself having to kickstart my life with a larger dose of hope each time I fall, and the older I get, the harder I fall. All these experiences range from family, friendships, acquaintanceships, relationships, school and work in my life. Still, even at the darkest hour and all that falls under the name of adversity, I have believed, and is still keeping a vigil for hope and faith for the sake of a better tomorrow.

I remember the days of my childhood, and oh, such simple wants and needs then in life, my heart was forever over-brimmed with hope and a thirst for knowledge. I draw positive energy from all areas, even make believe that things will be better, if given time. Growing up in a strict, male-chauvenistic home, I learned to always look beyond my pressured and suppressed life as a female in the household. I trained myself to be not only tolerant, but possess resilience and strength for whatever that may stumble into my life.

Strength as it is, there were many that I've acquired and they are always through the test of time. Travelling down memory lane, it all began this way... my mother as far as I can remember, would sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' to my siblings and I. We learned to sing it too, and memorised the words together, and sing together with Mommy dearest. In my single digit years, I never missed sunday school, and I remember the first time I sang 'Amazing Grace', it stole my heart. To this day, I remember the lyrics, both of "What a friend we have in Jesus" and "Amazing Grace", and they warm my heart whenever I sing it. I love sunday school more than normal school. Though in my eagerness to please both schools, I remember a teacher once asked me, 'What do you want to be when you grow up, Angela?" I said chirped enthusiastically without missing a beat, and looked up at the teacher to only see the infinite of her nostrils and still managed to say, "A teacher or a preacher". Yes, ironically, I already know my puns even at that age.

In my early teens, my father bought a set of sing-along gospel, and I was so taken by an old hymn "Be thou my Vision", and this has added to be the 3rd in my list of comfort songs. A pledge I made to that effect was when I attended a Christian youth camp years later. The youth leader asked, "Write down in a little piece of paper, of what would you want to do for God". I exactly that, I have only one thing I wanted to do, "I want to earn a million souls for the Lord". I deposited that little note in the tissue box of 'pledges'. Everyone held hands to pray for the Lord to bless us for those pledges and make way for us to realise those pledges.

Little did I believe the play of fate, and pledges I made as a child and while growing up would come true, but I've seen many things have come to life at my day and age and I see them shaping towards that direction.

Even going back to the days of my childhood days, I went as far as moving away from those of my age, and hiding under the tables eavesdropping what the adults have to say. I remember seeing the play of emotions of my aunts or uncles or my parents of over issues in the family. The mean uncles and aunties, that I learned to hate, in which I later on would ask mom and dad, "Why did uncle this and aunty that do that? Are they not afraid to be punished by God?" Mom and Dad would say, "You are too young to understand". I'd walk away, feeling like a little old woman, in a body that is too small to even reach for the plate of fruit placed in the middle of the dining table.

Though I then still had my childish whims and fancies, I was more eager to grow up and be able to solve problems. I remembered all those things that I didn't seem to understand then, I mulled over them, and regurgitated them in situations and applied them through the map of my life. I soon found meanings in them, and used them as adages and examples to travel certain roads less or more. Never taking it for granted that I'd live long enough to make all the mistakes in the world. Perhaps I was avoiding fate? Of course, there were times where I dashed in the spur of the moment, and only realised midway that I'm repeating a mistake that i have heard of before. I'm blessed in a way, as I always had a point of U-turn - I know God is watching.

Fate as it seems, is not as literal as it meant? I sometimes see it as like a lid that I custom made for myself which is not meant to close my can... Hmmm? However, the contents of the can are as of such that I did or did not bargain for, but still, there was always light at the end of the tunnel for me to see why I had to go through this mill, hence giving a fresher meaning of 'fate' could change by choices that we make in our lives?

I tested God in some ways, by veering off the pathway, but somewhere along the journey to blacksheepdom, I was picked up and plopped back to where I belong. So much for trying to be a runaway sheep. I never quite got to the black sheep stage, always got picked up the moment I began to look grey. Thus, giving me an insight that how closely big brother is watching!

In the contrary of all these, there are things that went the opposite all the time each time I pray for this particular desire in life. Yes, it's another pledge that I made in my 20s. I really wanted to be to be like Apostle Paul - forever feel even - a life of a celibate. But I missed the mark by a far shot, have now accepted that I'm meant to be matched. It's a constant fight between the Godly department and the Human needs department in poor Angela's body. I am for many reasons, feel extra hurt today in view of this. I felt that I have stumbled upon the many forbidden fruits that I should not have tasted in regards to this, and once again, I'm relying on my own strength to analyse this. Perhaps it's the works of the biological clock ticking, or the notorious pms, or just too much electricity in the brain - it would still be interesting to find out. I tried to share these with someone dear to my heart, but no words came out of my mouth when I opened it. Perhaps it's the timing, a sign of time that is not ripe enough to share. It's almost strange to say this, but this once again a test to my strength. A sign that also highlighted in red at the back of my mind - my time to fast and pray has arrived again.

In view of signs, there are too, signs in life. I've noted many things that I have come to desire, and some are in the lighted pathway, and some are just in the dark, waiting to unfurl into the lighted pathway. I have struggled, and is still struggling with some of these to this day. Though being older, and supposedly wiser today, I've learned to perceive it differently, by allowing all experiences to wash over me, a needed experience to make me into a better person, and more equipped in the spiritual warfare.

Bred and raised as a Lutheran, I truly believe in God's chosen pathway for me. A destined pathway, I'd say, in which I cannot run far from. I hardly talk about this, because if I do, I'd sound like a psycho or a fanatic befitting of those who are now terrorising the world of Godlessness. I know in time to come, my life will end with me being part of the missionary, which is viewed these days as 'mission impossible'. How so? Well, readers, let's wait and see, and that I promise, would be interesting to know.

Even to this day, when anyone asks me whether I know where I'll go in life after death, I'd say - heaven. I've seen smirks and heard of all the fun-making to the effect of what I've said, but I'm not afraid. I derail from the stereotypical Christian, in where praising of God is to be 'seen and heard'. It's sad that at all times and the face of this earth, many a Christian has stumbled not only the non-Christians, but also their own Christian brothers and sisters alike. I've made notes of many situations, and even to the point of being a non-participant in church-organised or work-church-organised gatherings. Hence, I've been labled as a lukewarm Christian for not doing my bit to 'show the world'. I've always done it quietly in my heart, in my quiet times and in my acquaintanceship, and still bring up the names of people that I know in my prayers. I've noted from old friends in primary school and high school, where many weren't believers then, and whom I've shared with them before in a non-conventional style of Godliness, they are believers today. Many have come back, and remembered what I've shared with them. Words which are not of my might, but of God's wisdom through me, and I am a tool used in this sense.

I've always tried my best to do all good despite the many ways of the world, and soon find myself weary and dried up. Sometimes in my enthusiasm, I rely on my own strength and not let the Sovereign lead. I find myself at the end, eyes wrenched dry of tears, and a wave of numbness flowing from my brain to all my limbs in the absence of God.

My life as it is, as the time has passed, is what I've reaped as to what I've sowed. I look back and think 'what have I done for myself?', and see an endless line of experiences and histories, giving meaning and literacy to where, why and how I got to where I am today. There are times where I couldn't help but to compare it with the ways of the world. As an active observer of all these, my eyes have risen and fallen on many things, may it be matters of the heart, or things that I've heard or seen, or just a play of my own stubborness. Some say I'm too careful, and some say I'm too careless, but I know my heart. Somehow at the back of my mind, I'm always pulled back to the line, a line where I will have to feed my spiritual man - spiritual food for my soul.

Though fallen many a-times in the name of temptation, I've picked myself up and continued walking, and I believe this is God's Grace is giving me a will to live. As part of God's big plan, I know I have a role in contributing - even if it's the quantity of a tiny drop in an ocean, I made a difference by being the additional drop. I think in God's book of life, the role that I play, though destined, is still filled with surprises. Hence, my fate is not to be taken literally, as a seal, but to be read as 'yet to be sealed'. With this, fate is less rigid with me, and it is still giving me chances and allowances for change to occur in my life. Life will continue with or without what I may desire and may seem to have forsaken me, but for sure, God will not forsake me in my hour of need.