Coping with Infidelity

Introduction

The act of disloyalty, better known as 'infidelity' in a relationship is almost as old as time. Cheated spouses, partners or girl/boyfriends have learned various ways of coping with it by either leaving in inacceptance, or in acceptance by closing an eye (at times both eyes) to it. to this day, questions leading to 'why do men cheat?' are still swirling in the media, in pubs with a few hard drinks or in any daily conversations over a cup of orange-flower tea. People have almost become experts in coping with infidelity by now, only theorectically. However, in a practical sense, most are not able to maintain a cool composure when 'the act' is first discovered, unless the feelings and all acts interalia on either side are vice versa.


Ratio of cheating : Men vs. Women

Surveys show that men have 60% chances higher in cheating compared to 30% of women. In the men's answers to the subjective section, reasons given on why did they cheat is, 'they usually can't control their eyes, hands and you-know-where, or they'll just do it when the opportunity arises'. While women's answers, comparitively, they only cheat when they have a valid reason to do so i.e. being abused / neglected.


Showdown : How to cope with it when it happens to you

One of the main things to cope as a victim of a cheat is to not blame yourself for driving the person to the act. It's the cheater (C) who has a problem, not you. You must never ever give C an avenue to hurt you more than he/she has already done so.

A victim of such betrayal of trust will never be the same ever again. Ears are pricked, and the feelings of walking on eggshells are a constant downside of it. However, you should know your self worth and be able to walk away if he has shown no signs of regret, remorse, or re-whatever.

Most cheaters do not admit to them having 'wronged' you. They will try to put a 'right' to all the 'wrongs'. Some are quick with their 'sorries' and truly mean it, but some just say it to not get into more trouble and hurt they've already done unto you.

Be prepared to hear the C's favourite line, "I don't know", but continue to stay calm. If you kept seeing red and can't be calm, make sure the cheater knows that you are entitled to be hurt for being betrayed.

Perk your ears and focus on C's actions and words. Do they match? If they do not, heed the red light and that loud siren that's going off like an ambulance at the back of your head. Scoot as fast as you can. If you are the 'let's give him / her a second chance' type, make sure that you will not go on a third. Stay alert at all times as Cs have a tendency to repeat past mistakes whenever you become complacent by trusting them too much! If you can't take the pressure of being kept on your toes on such undeserving things, just pack up and go as well - there are better partners out there who'll appreciate as you.

Never, ever retaliate by hitting the C, because it only makes the cheater feels good for being 'punished' for whatever wrong. There shouldn't be any punishment administered by you, kill the C with kindness if you can do it. 'Kindness' doesn't mean that C's forgiven and being let off the hook easily.

If the C has a conscience, he / she will want to fight for you and earn your trust back. Otherwise, pack up and go - there are better things in the world than to be stuck in a rut with someone who only thinks his / her feelings, needs and desires matter AND not yours.


The Final Word

There is never a set of successful ways that'll work 100%. Though the above mentioned are amongst the few things that one must have in mind while sussing out a cheater (C). Sometimes a variety of ways are administered and I believe that not everything needs to be published here as it'll only train the C to be cleverer in manipulating and also camouflaging. Feel with your guts and be prayerful at all times.

The Provider above us all will not let anyone suffer more than what he/she can bear. God knows how much it hurts when one is a victim of betrayal / C. In reference to the Bible, Christ even went through that in regards to Judas. He knows how much it hurts us to be betrayed. No one gets away with anything without having to stand in God's judgement and wrath. The truth prevails for those who seek His face.

If Godliness is not your thing, you had better find something else that you can trustworthily fall back on. I'm kept sane in regards to the topic because I fell back on my belief in God's providence.

Faux pas

Funny when you think that you are open enough to listen, and when you can't actually take it. Ever thought of those days before? The intellectual mind is great a disciphering things, unraveling mysteries, accept the unacceptable, and love the unlovable. Sometimes you think whether these have contributed to the many a Faux pas in life?

Looking back, the biggest Faux pas in my life is perhaps allowing myself to love someone whole-heartedly, and not retaining bits of me for myself. The disappointments, when they come, robs me dry, leaving me for the dead. An exaggeration? Nah... I feel and have felt that way before, and I've always picked myself up, feeling that I've changed forever, in which, I have had. Still, I dabble with being in denial over things, wanting to be there to see things to the end. How many times would I make myself go through this? For the umpteenth time, I remind myself.

I've never been the same each time I go through one of these experiences. It doesn't make me a better person in some ways, but in some ways, it trained me to be more hardy and resilient. Bad and good habits I'd pick along the way, some decremental to my own health. Speaking of health, today marks the day that I'm back to my old temptations in life - the love for cigarettes. I wanted it like I never did before. The rush of nicotine to the head, the smell of burning tobacco, a bitter-sweet taste that lingers and gives a bad, bad taste to my tongue and breath. Somehow, in spite of it's negativeness, it helps numb my senses a little bit, makes the ugly truth appear a little prettier, audibly and visibly - it's all in the game of denial.

It's a familiar game, so familiar that it burns an acidic hole at the pit of my stomach, and erodes a little bit of the sturdy wall of my heart. Why I withstand all these, I'm amazed. All in the name of love? Stupid? Perhaps? strange, isn't it?

I've been pondering the whole day today, though I had a good time learning new things in life, the joys of snowboarding, and a little sharing on cultures, amongst the little loves in my life. I now think to myself, especially at this time of the night, when I'm supposed to be in deep sleep - contemplating on how life's going to be like when I'm back in Malaysia? I wish at this moment, though I may regret saying this one day - that I never knew love and it's play of chemistry. Perhaps in the absence of all these, life would be a little easier for me. I see my sister, and many other friends having the time of their lives living without what I have experienced.

Perhaps it's better for me to know it afterall, to never want to see and feel it again, as it's the end of wondering what it could do for me. It has done nothing long-lastingly good, in my opinion. It's mayhaps, time that I completely close a door to it. There are better things to do in life, rather than to love a man whole-heartedly. The heart deserves a better treatment than going through all these... and somehow, I know he'll woo me back - but how many times can I be wooed back? Again, I wonder how long the joy will sustain, and how painful would the transitory periods be when I have to wait for his decisions again? If I give this another chance, will it be another Faux pas?

Contemplating a moment of Greek Madness

Winter in Greece numbs and quickens this head of mine,
A drunken love like this makes everything seems so fine,
Warm and passionate sensations drives me out of line,
Such diversity, yet everything tastes sweeter than wine.

Different time zones keep me in a drunken daze,
This must give joy to the devil in creating a maze,
Pleasing actions and words sets my passion ablaze,
Rose-tinted lenses in my irises, in awe, I gaze.

Unspoken love shared whenever our lips and eyes meet,
Embracings, passionate as always, lingering, never a-fleet,
Like a little woman, I'm at home on Periandou street,
Awaiting his homecoming, I impatiently shuffled my feet.

Silent, idle mind! The devil's shifting my thoughts in fleets,
Flashbacks a-plenty on moments between the sheets,
Womanly needs shaming me, tainting my cheeks red as beets,
Still, in manly amusement and acceptance he hessitantly greets.

Besides these, sense and sensibilities seep into my mind,
Prying my eyes open to little things he and I may find,
Literacies of times shared, carnally, we naturally fit and bind,
A union entwining spiritual & sinful pleasures - a deception of a kind?

Thoughts flipping back and forth to December 2004, oh dear,
Hurts a-plenty, unforgotten but forgiven, are crystal-clear,
Patience is God bestowed, still, it's the betrayal of trust I fear,
My non-existence echoes in this apartment, my heart and eyes tear.

Clarification to her is absent, as evidence of me can't be revealed,
Wordy assurances a-plenty, but why my presence to her, concealed?
Bridges he shall burn not, a safety net to not have his fate sealed?
His words of love seem true, or just salve to my heart to be healed?

Are those the same sheets she has laid on while calling his name?
In throes of passion, he numbly finds me and her all the same?
Love and lust - does he have moral values and not burn in shame?
Who he is? What is he? I now know not, afterall, he is not that tame.

Secrets he keep, neither Romanians nor Malaysians can understand,
Parents alike find this mind-boggling, and they too, cannot stand,
His choice to be indecisive make our minds constrict and expand,
Decisions he makes must be his own, and not for others to command?

Of commitment he speaks, they are all 'in the air' and yet to be seen?
Promising as it seems, the actions can't match as should have been,
'We're similar' - but no that's not true, we're even different on screen,
Excuses a-plenty, his habitual ways, or something else in between?

Bedpartners, aside fornications are always consensual,
Galling excuses given, as there's none for intimacy to be sensual,
Something is wrong somewhere if this is looked upon as casual,
'As it is' is often phrased, I'm expected to accept it's his way, as usual.

I must be an idiot to swallow this down and be forgiving,
I don't need such abusive treatment, my sanity needs saving,
Acquaintanceship, but bedpartners? There must be some craving,
Behind my back, between the sheets yonder, they have been loving.

If this continues on, it's a dead end and will never bring happiness,
On the fence, he'll perch, his comfort zone, or just Greek madness?
Beats me why I'm longing for him in his height of selfishness,
The more strength I must draw now, to find solace in loneliness.

When I go, hurt may engulf him, but he'll heal and be in denial,
Romanian there, will still have roles in his life-sized TV serial,
I go uncommunicatively, unpicked calls, still, I know he will redial,
Too late, my disappointments are real, not as he thought as trivial.

A fool I must be, in believing this is ever a love of a lifetime,
My heart, still bleeds at the same spot, even pickled in lime,
Sooner or later, all emotions will lose it's meaning over time,
'Wake up', I say, 'He's probably not worthy of my dime'.

At last, face-to-face we're here, diplomacy kept the peace on-going,
Unsolved past bounced like tennis balls across the court - *boing*,
Surety in a nanosecond, but eyes reflect uncertainties - he is nano-ing,
It's in the expense of my time, leisurely drifting, not swiftly canoeing.

With ears sharper than a hare's, all kinds of signals I receive,
Like a hawk, my trained eyes are ever-ready to perceive,
Though in fear I dread, I still purge all suspicions I may conceive,
My prayers rhymes in melancholy, in faith his love is to not deceive.

All histories of his dastard behaviours towards me, I will forgive,
My forgiveness spurred an "I'm lucky" response, and not of repentive,
Of Catholic faith he practices, I'm in denial that he is not manipulative,
God's blessings I trust, time will tell in His wisdom and strength in me.

I'm here in flesh and blood, everything settles 'ok' - momentarily?
Silly me, perhaps my presence satisfies and satiates temporarily,
When I fly home, off to Romania he may hop, indeed, quite merrily,
He'll justify and say, "you're too faraway", quite satisfactorily.

'Fool, fool, fool, you've seen this before', I repeat monotonously,
A king of proscastinators that he is, sadly, always, continuously,
A dreamer like him, has no love in return, don't hold him tenaciously,
'Walk away like you did to others before him, walk away graciously'.

So much of contemplating that I am going through, I want a closure,
Not that Greece is displeasuring, but it's madness gives 'no pleasure',
Sadly, two women sits on each side of a scale - what's there to measure?
Both looks at the man, who is in denial which of us is his treasure.

I'm here for love, the only priority of why I gave this a chance,
He knows it, but still thinks himself lucky of my second glance,
When I look intently at him and question, like a horse, he'll prance,
Still, strangely enough, our chemistry still keeps us both in a trance.

Still, in fervent prayers I cite, fending off the evil one's experiments,
Only God's protection, insanity is at bay, removing deceptive torments,
Prayers of relinquishment we commit, "God, guide all our movements",
In faith, this Greek madness must depart in God's timely moments.