"Click"

I just walked in the door from watching a midnight movie called "Click", with Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale in it. There were moments where I almost split my face into halves laughing so hard, while some parts jerked the tears out of me. There I was, sitting in the midst of a crowd of movie goers, I was strung from one extreme end of an emotion to another. It was one of the most entertaining comedy shows I've watched so far this year.

When it comes to movies, it's all thumbs up when I can identify with the characters. Not so long ago, I went through a tad bit of what the Adam Sandler character went through, missing important bits in life. Not by fastforwarding or having my hands on a universal remote control, but I was drowned in work.

While being soaked up in work, I missed good friends' weddings, important gatherings / reunions with friends and family. As much as I was drowned, I was dead to the rest of the world, a zombie that went through the motions of life. Sucked into the vortex of corporatese that knows no boundaries of family life, and personal development, I was milked dry and pressed flat between a hard place and the grind stones of work. I breathe, slept, ate and drank work, a lost cause for someone who has always loved life. I had lost myself then to the materialistic world. Click was almost all about that. Like the character, I was too, reminded at some point, when down in the ruts and the crumbling walls of life, that family must come first, not work.

Work in the old place, makes me shudder. I still wonder in awe how did I give 3 years of my life into such a heartless company then? As heartless as it was, I was in the training to be a hard nut. I became hard to crack - inpenetrable to kindness, and considerableness. All it mattered to me was to get things done and out of the way - I slogged day in and day out. It was all in obligation to the dark side of the world, I became a slave at my own will and TanSri was the pharoah who reigned without the whip. Not that he was any idol, I despised the way he personifies God. We were subjects bent in fear, and it was a reign of fear that he inflicted upon us all - the employees. How I have had gotten into an obligatory position with a sense of having to obey, is plain strange. Almost cultish, and to a point, a form of paganism emerged.

It's no wonder how such paganism seeped into me then, unknowingly, or unconsciously. Having to miss church and all things dear to me due to unreasonable projects and meetings that has to be held on weekends including sundays, I still thought that I was in control of my life. I lost it then, I couldn't see it even if life hits me between the eyes. I was blinded by the need to be promoted, the nasty competitions to stay afloat, the dark politics to keep things in order... keeping the rebellious in line. There is a price to be paid in the form of sacrifices - your family, your time. Like a commodity, I was bought into work. Being paid 30% above market price, I sealed the deal.

With this deal, I paid my dues to my family by being completely short fused, I was lacking in love, grace, respect, faith, hope and sobriety. I was very unlovable then. I could empathise with the character on such unlovableness, and remembered the unattractive side of things that I've then adopted. I did not receive my wake-up call till a couple of years after. Yes, it was my brother who jolted me back to life - my brother told me at the turn of year 2002 that I've changed into a monster. Then only, it clicked into me, I was a monster in the making. Only then did I take drastic moves to apply for another job, a last straw to save my worthiness, or perhaps, self-worth - to be once again, a soul worthy of love for my family's consumption and to all who love / loved me.

Worthiness, at the end of the day, is effort. Likewise with love, one has to work on being lovable to be loved. As for spending time with family, one will have to manage the time and say no to all things that disassembles family ties, and relationship with God. Once again, Click, kudos, you've made it clear to the audience that family comes first. To change for the better, to be a better person for myself, my family and all those around me is something that I remember never to sacrifice. I suppose, in time to come, it'll click on to someone else who used to be in my situation from the old work place, and also the character in Click before it's too late to mend ties, in making life a better journey to experience, and the world, a better place to survive in.

Rain, rain, go away...

... come again another day... Yeah, remember that song we used to sing back in kindergarten days? At least that's what I sang when I was in the kindy in the 70's. Ok, ok, stop rolling ya eyes and casting weird looks my direction! Nevertheless, no rain heeds that song these days, and I wonder why do they teach kiddies that song in those days. Stormy days and whatever downpours that bring thunder and lightning are different from those days too. Perhaps the end of the world's coming, *gasp*.

Talking about the end of the world, my world's crumbling due to my time-management. I don't seem to have enough hours in a day to get all my things done, especially things that I want to do, plan to do, and dream to do! Just for this week alone, I made a simple plan to swim every evening, and guess what, nature had to spoil it for me! Rain just come and spoil my serene evening of dreams to swim!!

I'm hissing like a drenched hell-cat at the moment, because I couldn't venture near any pool unless I feel like ascending to heaven on a stormy day. Do hell-cats go to heaven? Anyway, with all the thunder and lightning rolling and grumbling away in the sky, bellowing, "I dare you come out, I'll zap you pork bellies into a crispy piece of bacon". Geez, I wouldn't want to float face-down in a pool resembling a piece of charcoaled bacon crisp. My imagination's running wild at the moment with the many kinds of headlines in the Star newspaper.

Talking about the media, a.k.a. the liar, there are prints stating the weather will not be as fair as I'd have hoped it it to be. Maybe this is the only speck of truth they are reporting since it's always safer to talk about the weather without any political insinuations!? Whatever. But still, who trusts the weather these days? It's all gone haywire these days.

Haywire that it is, and here I am again, on a sunny saturday afternoon, clearing my laundry, and hoping that the sun will stay up in the sky long enough for the day. Nothing is more satisfying that sun-sweet-crisp-smelling clothes. So, am crossing my fingers till it's numb, "no rain, please, no rain please", I'd quip like a banshee. I need to exercise, and swimming's the best to move all those unmoved muscles and sinews in the body... it's time to live a healthier lifestyle and cut down on the food. That is at least my short-term (hopefully it'll be converted into a long-termed one!) plan ... So, I'll sing the ol' song again since nothing works... rain, rain, go away....

Painful lessons in lending $$

It's great disappointment when you lend $$ to a trusted friend who is in real deep shit ends up not wanting to pay you back because they declare they don't have the $$ to do so. While they are in their bankrupted situation, you still see them dishing out money left, right and center for things that are frivolous and eating like a king but they are just not paying you back! You waste years doing the follow up and couldn't close your accounts book for the year due to that debt. When you ask them, they'd buy you a coffee and say how they can't pay back. It's really sad, being taken advantage of this way. When you drill into their heads how irresponsible they are, they start avoiding you and not pick up your calls or avoid your calls.

I am beyond disappointed at the moment with this, and it has taught me a valuable lesson that no matter how deep in a rut a friend is, and how much they beg, they are not seeing a single cent from me. It's a pity that if certain cases are genuine, but what can I do when I myself is living cautiously and do not have a lot of spare money to go around.

This is not good. Not even in the name of friendship or genuineship or whatever 'ship' one should overlook. Borrowers of such end up making lenders heartless at the end of the day. Genuine borrowers will now join in the bandwagon of the irresponsible that may range from cheaters to liars. Sad.

Talk "the talk" and Walk "the walk"

What a total waste of time I've recently had trying to reason with a colleague-friend whom I dote on. That status of being 'doted on' is scraped off now. I'm facing for the umpteenth time, and witnessing discussions that went awry. If you want to gauge a "talk to a walk" journey, you will see very few who gets there if the ego is in the way. My dotee could talk 'the talk' but couldn't walk 'the walk'. It was disappointing to see another bites the dusk when he appears to be really righteous and filled with justice. Basically - you'd think 'this is a good bloke'.

Yes, the dotee is now a pup in my eyes, and has scored himself lots of points in the demented compartment for proudly and majestically calling himself a psycho dude. Poor me, the doter, mine eyes that have had once risen has now fallen. Turning 30 this year doesn't do him any justice either. So, another point proven - maturity doesn't necessarily move exponentially with age. Even if maturity hits him on the face, he won't see it... very sad.

Like a broken down record he kept calling himself that two-word-3-syllable thing... it was actually mentioned in almost every sentence, and sometimes twice in the same sentence but separated by a comma. Yes, worse still is that it was done in proud declaration. I could hear the echoes of it still, 'Everybody knows I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e, and I tell them that I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e', so they remember and know that I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e'. Yeah, I forgot that one, there were 3 mentions of the word in a sentence. Voila! Bring out your DSMIV and add on a new word with a new definition, complete with a picture to 'say it all' (I'll provide the pix!).

Yes, I'm diversing because I'm still kicking myself for wasting my time (eventhough I was bored out of my darn fishy gills!). Ok, I'll hit back on the track... the topic was all on speeding, and mind you, I didn't start it, but he opened his rear end for it. If he wasn't whom I view as a friend, I would have word-lashed him left, right and centre, and whip him into a dollop of goobledegook cream. I was kind, so were the couple of girlie-colleagues and we had every opportunity to do a 'shove it', and do the 'up yours!!' kind of talk for his dumb remarks and unkind rebuttals.

It all began this way, we were bored out of our gills during an open day for the college. There were no flies to smack, no lollies to suck, and no coke to gargle and play bubbles with. Yes, we were THAT BORED! So, we got ourselves into a normal conversation that did not take flight to be a hypothetical one (I failed! *sniff* It was a no brainer!). We discussed a little bit of this and that on speeding - then something hypothetical came up (the opportunity was there!), but it was too intellectual for the psycho dude, and it went into a wrong valve of his, and got trapped in the 'no reasoning zone' compartment. So, in a gist, instead of us saying to him, "up yours!" for starting the fire. He turned it around and did an "up yours" on us, particularly me as if we started it? Strange?

It wasn't so strange in the beginning when the conversation started with traffic jams, lousy road systems etc, which eventually led me to relate to him and a few around me on how I almost got into an accident and truly couldn't brake on time but got lucky *somehow* that very morning. Girlie A said she's been there before too, so did Girlie B, and so did Psycho Dude.

So, all were in agreement that my story for the morning was empathised by all. To relate the scenario at the lobby, here goes:

I was relating the story that I driving within the speed limit of 90km/hr and had to come to a sudden stop right at the bend of the LDP highway. As I paused for a breathe, and Psycho dude quipped, "Speed kills". Still, I continued by admitting that I was scared shit and swore to slow down and anticipate for the worse when I get to any road bends in the future. Another quip from you-know-who, "Speed Kills" got inserted conveniently as I took another deep breathe. I paused as I was wondering what's the 'speed talk' all about when I was not talking of a speeding story? I looked at him for a split of a second with a little bit of 'wondering what's going on?', but continued my story... that cars were choc-a-bloc, motionless after a bend on the highway without anyone being able to see or antipate the jam starts from there? With everyone around me basically driving around 90km/hr down that LDP highway, without any forewarning, every car screeched with obvious emergency braking as nothing was moving ahead of us! Cars eventually and slowly inched forward, and finally found the culprit for the sudden jam - a couple of road cleaners waving a red flag for everyone to drive only on the right lane (in a two-lane highway) so that no one will run over the small bump of rubbish they swept up on the left side of the road. Only in Malaysia one would have almost a 110 degree corner going uphill, and some silly road sweepers doing their job at 8:30am rush hour on a higihway - who could see beyond that bend, and who would anticipate a couple of sweepers doing their duty at that time?

Nevertheless, when I ended my story, a third quip came through, "Speed Kills" says the dude, a.k.a. psycho. Then, the drama of a conversation took flight from this point :

Girlie A said: "Hey, you say speed kills, but you speed too what?" (in jesting manner)

Psycho: "Yeah, but I know what I'm doing" (in a sudden defensive mode)

Me: "Yeah, there will never be accidents if everyone on the road says that". (Uh oh, me and my big mouth of factual speeches.)

Psycho: "Yeah, I speed, and everybody knows that I'm the ***** **** (please don't make me repeat this again, scroll up and read)"

Me: "Would you still speed if you are ferrying your loved ones?"

Psycho: "Yes, because they all know that I am the ***** ****, and I tell them that I'm a ***** ****, and they know that I'm a ***** **** before they get into my car. I know they will all be safe in my car. It's fate and it's up to them"

Me: "So, as long as they agree to be in your car, they will be at your mercy because you rely on fate. Isn't it better to be safe than to be sorry?"

Girlie A: "Ya lar, you said speed kills, so where's your responsibility? If I'm driving by myself, I sometimes speed, but if I have someone in the car, I slow down because I think of others.

Psycho: "EVeryone knows I'm a crazy driver on the road. I tell them first, and people are scared when they are in my car, but after a few times, they get used to it"

Girlie A: "What if accident happens? How can you be so selfish?"

Psycho: "So? This is me, and this is the way I am. I am the ***** ****"

Me: "So, hypothetically speaking, if you are driving someone you love, and the person dies in your car while you are speeding, you will still have this stand and you call it fate?"

Psycho: "Yes" (He has begun shaking his legs in irritation)

Me: "So, this means that you are not responsible for your loved ones' lives?"

Psycho: "You are illogical, woman! I have already said that I am the way I am. I'm the ***** **** man, and everybody knows it. What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I am selfish / irresponsible? Fine, then I am selfish and irresponsible! Happy? You are not making any sense and I don't understand a word you are saying! This conversation is going no where!"

Me: "Well, this is a simple discussion with a hypothetical scenario. Of course, you can be what you want to be. Being hypothetical is fine too in getting to know what people think. Sometimes people agree to disagree and disagree to agree all the time and still be fine. Why the aggitation?

Psycho: "You are irritating me"

Me: "Fine, I'll accept your explanation, and it's still fine for anyone to ask anything or answer anything they like. I'll agree to disagree, and you may disagree to agree. I do push the envelop a little for one to think beyond one's comfort level"

Psycho: "What is pushing the envelop? What envelop? You make no sense, you hear me? Just stop here! Everybody knows that I'm the *again* (raising his voice and no longer looking at me, and shaking his legs frantically).

At that point, I realised that I'm speaking to someone who is just plain "Yar Marn" (This is a Hakkha for someone who has no reasoning, and only aspire to win no matter what and how, and can turn violent if he / she didn't get his / her way).

To make things worse, he's not well-read, can never "take" but only "give". So, I decided to just walk away, and headed straight to the toilet (100 feet away). When I was on my way back to the lobby, another new colleague guy was sitting there (let's call him Guy A, as he was so eavesdropping all along), apparently sat facing me and when he saw me, his lips moved, saying, "Here she comes again". With that, I couldn't resist but deliberately walk over again and said to Guy A, "I saw you were saying "Here she comes again. Don't fan the situation". Guy A sat back, agaped and agawked. Then I turned to Psycho dude, "There isn't a need to be so irritated. We can still have our beers together even after this conversation. I accept your reasonings, and I've sat in your car numerous times before and I did almost throw up twice due to your speeding and sudden braking. So, cool it". Psycho Dude replied, while shaking his legs frantically again, "I'm not irritated. I don't care what other people think. I know who I am and what I am, I'm the *again*". I said, "Ok". He quickly answered, "Mm" but shook his legs even at a faster speed that I could feel him generating some cool air near my legs. With that, I walked away, knowing that he wants to have the last word, no matter how and what. So, while I was walking away, my mind quickly came up with 8 lessons that I've learned for the day:

LESSON #1: Never to have intelligent talks or sensible discussions with people who are set in their ways. They are just plain "yar marn".

LESSON # 2: Not every friend can take straight talks and see that you mean well.

LESSON #3: No matter what age a person's at, if he/she doesn't want to think, he / she just wouldn't to think. Give up! Full Stop.

LESSON # 4: Education level counts (at most times). Those who read will always have better thinking skills and better grasp on vocabulary, theories, figurative speeches, analogies etc.

LESSON $ 5: If you meet a 'yar man' person whom you care for, just behave like a bimbo. It will salvage your friendship as it makes the person feel smarter and could probably teach you a trick or two.

LESSON #6: Men's ego rules. Chauvenism is not dead yet, but chivalry has died with a sad whimper. Eventhough a discussion is not heading to ego land, it will still end up being a pawn in the battle of ego. Just look pretty and agree to everything he says if he means something to you.)

LESSON #7: This is a true manifestation of the Napoleon syndrome, it's not just a short Chinese man thing, but all races have it.

LESSON #8 (most important!!): To accept as a fact that there will always be people who could talk 'the talk' and never ever walk 'the walk' eventhough they opened up their loop hole of a mouth first.

WHAT A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!!!

When one lives in a war torn country...

I asked a colleague who is a Palestinian, "Do you still have family back in Palestine? Did they evacuate to a safer place with the war going on? I'm just curious and want to hear from someone who is from the country instead of relying on the media"

His reply: "There's no war in Palestine, it's between Israel and Lebanon. If there's a war, where can the people evacuate to? It's their homes, it's their land, why should they evacuate? How long can they stay in another country if they can evacuate? 1 month, 2 months? That's the most. Everybody thinks it's easy to evacuate, but it's not. I have been asked this many times.

People who hold passports from the middle east cannot just get into another country, they need visas. Nobody wants them. Unless it's people who have citizenship in another country, then they can go. Unlike Malaysians, you can go anywhere you like, but still, you cannot stay in another country forever.

My meek response : "I see"

He continued in a matter of fact, "Last week, my Uncle and his family all died - his wife and seven children. 2 survived, but one is critical. My uncle is a lecturer in a university, and a bomb hit his home at 3am in the morning. Where can they go? If you survive, you are lucky, if you don't, too bad. I grew up in Palestine, I survived.

I squeaked another weak response, "I see". I was too shocked to see that he spoke of his relatives in such a 'fact of the matter' fashion.

He added on, "My father left his land 50 years ago when the Israelites came. We never got out land back. My father died, without setting foot into his land. We will continue to fight and hope to see our land one day.

Who can say? You see, who are the bad people? The Palestine say the Israelites are bad, and the Israelites say the Palestinians are bad. So, you can see how it is."

Towards the end of the conversation, he broke out into a smile, and said, "We live in a holy land, there will always be war, if today it's with Lebanon, tomorrow may be with Syria, and then next may be with Egypt and so on. No ending. Let's hope the war will never come to Malaysia, but they are all watching muslim countries now..."

Throughout the conversation, he was to the point and spoke easily without much display of emotions. I expected anger, or perhaps some form of anguish, but it never came. How very true, 'they are all watching muslim countries now'...

I will never forget the look in his eyes - all hardened with the endless years of wars - one after another. Death is so 'common', and he accepts it so well. After that, I paused to think that I'm so sheltered from all these, and I think I would be completely crushed and not being able to verbalise my relatives' death. How painful this is...

I spent a few minutes of silence after that for the dead who did not survive the wars. I remind myself once again, to count my blessings eventhough I face hardships because I'm still sheltered from harsher things in life, such as 'wars'.