The Phantom of the Opera

Watching The Phantom of the Opera reminded me of my days of piano and singing with my sister. Talking about the movie, I don't think it is a let down as said in this review.

My eyes and ears were first opened to Musicals at the age of 15. My dear sister, Agnes, would play the piano, while I'd sing - what a pair! Yes, that was way back in 1986 when Agnes, at the age of 21, was back for the summer break of '86 from her 2nd year at Queen's University, Belfast. She brought back almost all of the London musical cassettes home, plus the piano music.
Even ages ago, I remember telling my sister that I'd drop Raoul for the Phantom if I was Christine Daae, haha! Because the Phantom isn't a fearful creature, you basically pity him more than anyone or anything else for that matter! In my opinion, the Phantom needed Christine in his life more than Raoul. Yeah, forget about the bits that the phantom is a murderer and also a little insane. Who cares? He did it for the love of Christine! Ok, I'm probably half mad myself, and a silly impractical romantic, so? We all make choices to be with someone and be a little bias by closing an eye on his/her imperfections, don't we all? Little intensed selves like my family and I, plus a few kindred-spirited friends would agree to this impracticality, because it makes sense to us. However, each to their own, aye?

Right, my choice in preferring to be with the phantom to Raoul was reaffirmed when I got a chance to watch the London cast for the first time with Valerie in the summer of 1996 (was having a little break away from the Americans). So much for teenaged thoughts, it got carried over into my 20s. Now, 9 years later from the bright-eyed-still-naive-20s, I'm still having the same thought after watching the movie tonight. Surprise, surprise, how little things have changed, even 18-19 years later on!

In my reflection of this, it's no longer surprising how unwavering and wavering people can be in choices they make. It all boils down to choices of the individual self, to decide or not to decide. In not deciding, is a decision to 'not to decide'. There you go! So, words like 'I don't know' has an underlying fact that the party who says this just don't want others to know what's in his / her mind.

Or rather, allowing oneself to be influenced, and even allowing things to take place in time to come... Take for example (I can only speak for myself), between the ages of 15 to now, I see my graph of wavering and unwavering faith in God - steeply up and down, and some constant lines, a graph of faith plotted against age. I don't think I'm especially different from anyone else out there... don't we all have our wavering and unwavering bits in life? Yes, imperfect faith that we all have.

Just by looking at the Phantom, in all his physical distortion, It truly shows that it takes a lifetime to build faith, and a moment to stagger it. Likewise, this applies to my relationships, regardless of those in phileo or eros terms, my eyes have risen and fallen on people, and likewise, I believe some may view me of the same too. People change, I suppose, but 'not that much'... and some underlying things that may disappoint, and expectations slapped on where it veers off from what we'd like to accept or not accept.

At the end of the day, why slap on expectations on others? It's only human nature to do so. Expectations that are not met sometimes puts us in a queasy position, and to the brink of disappointment, or acute devastation... so, in a way, we become judgemental (in a way). In relation to the Phantom, he's painted to be a blackguard, but hey, let's give the poor fellow a chance to proof himself that he's not beyond redemption! Afterall, we all do have a tiny bit of the Phantom in us - a need to be accepted.

The Papaya Tree

I opened my kitchen windows today and was shocked at how close to the kitchen a papaya tree has grown at the little patch of soil I have for my screwpine leaves. It's a healthy looking tree, and it has begun to bear fruits.

I don't know how fast these trees grow, but it's interesting to see it, it's beautiful! Truth is, I have no idea how the papaya seed got there in the first place. No one throws things out of the window from my kitchen, and it's definitely too far off for the neighbours to randomly chuck a seed over to my house! Must be some tropical little bird that carries seeds have dropped it there? An Asianised form adapted from the Biblical one: "A dove carrying an olive branch".

Anyway, I stood at the sink, looking out of the window in awe, and wondered. I was thinking how hardy and resilient papaya seeds are, being able to survive in that little patch of soil. Somehow, that sad sod of soil could still help the tree to flourish, let alone struggled under the extreme weather ranging from rainy to dry spells over the weeks and months. It takes looking at things like that with my naked eyes to believe that bit of soil and moody weather could help a papaya tree to grow and bear fruits!

This made me think of our lives. Like the healthy-looking & fruit-bearing papaya tree outside my kitchen in spite of the hard environment, it still grew! From this, it reminded me how we all grow from trials, and how we can wilt and dry up because of them. We can be inspired to consider facing our trials with joy by trusting and having faith in God. The testing of our faith certainly develops perseverance and maturity.

As we trust God in all the trials we go through, even when we cannot comprehend 'why?'... His ever-flowing divine providence gives us strength to face trials. Facing trials and overcoming them prepare us for better lives in future, and be better persons. Isn't that something beautiful?

Discerning the Season

Timing in our layman's eyes are very different to those of God's. A thousand years to God is like a year to us, while a year is like a thousand years to God - in short, God is Timeless. This is clearly stated in the 'End days' article by J. David Hoke, which he based it on 1 Peter. In all God's mercy and grace, He has given us insurmountable undeserving blessings that sometimes our laymen's hearts still end up grumbling and demanding with impatience of wanting more in life in wanting more or less time based on our selfish needs.

Yes, there's a season for everything. The discernment of season for things around us incorporates God's divine wisdom - His Timing that is according to His Will for us. For the rebellious, such 'control / discipline' in submitting to God is unheard of. It's sad that the realisation only comes in after many painful trials that corners them to a tiny spot. Though there are moments where they do succeed, but by suffering and going through a longer route to where and what that is good for them at the right time and place.

What we gain through impatience means that we are running with the flood of dissipation (wastefulness). 'The flood' here is defined as us following a worldly crowd which is acceptable by the world, but not in a Godly manner. You can read more about this in the link 'Serving God in the Last Days' (1 Peter 4), in which I will point to again in a later paragraph of this blog.

God's timing is administered with love, and basically, it's a timing given to us when we are 'ready' to receive, give or to participate. A readiness that is of maturity of understanding, wisdom of acceptance, and not forgetting, a well-thought kind response for solving whatever situation we may be in. Hence, being impatient usually entails wanting more at a shorter time, or rather, wanting a longer time to get more as well. Many are being prideful of with false prophesies of discerning God's Timing by being righteously selfish to serve oneself instead of waiing for God's timing. Such disobedience and lack of discipline will only add on more milestones to our already worldly and burdened life.

In times of trouble, we usually press on to solve things in our flawed human ways - the curse of impatience. Only when we find that we are stuck and completely lose hope, we'd turn to God. We naturally want to use our heads and jump into the problem whenever we can, humanely, without being prayerful about it. Falling into the grips of depending on ourselves are not uncommon. Everywhere we go, we hear and see such cases, where one had drained all his/her energy, emotions, and all other resources, and still feel frustrated that the problem is taking a time too long to solve or not solved at all!

Being prayerful at times of such to receive God's wisdom and His timely solution has to be applied, but we are flawed. We would start to only pray when we find ourselves in a fix. Wouldn't it be wise of us to walk closely with God at all times and give it to God to accompany us in walking through the wilderness? The Psalmists are experts at advising this as they are wise. They said God is "a refuge in times of trouble" (Psalms 9:9), and true enough we should never be overcome by the enemy who is always scheming and plotting by pulling us down at all times, and lie to us, making us feel like failures instead of victors through patience. We fear all such failures, in fact, any failure in life. I chewed and munched over a part of the following scripture, partially taken from Joshua 1: 9, "... Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". I am given the confidence, an assurance, that He will not abandon us at times of trouble.

Still, we are to be reminded that by giving, sharing and asking for God's guidance would require us to submit in obedience, in waiting for God's timing. Thus, the fellowship of man is to keep the fire burning, in reminding, and in communion. That's where the importance of not missing a Sunday service, a prayer meeting, a Bible study is all about. Humans that we are, and our flesh is always weak unless we are willing for God to constantly monitor us. We'll soon find that we acquire a 'cheerful endurance' without grumbling, as in having the patience to wait for His timing.

Our obedience and discipline are equally important in learning how to listen to God's Timing as well. It's a discernment from Sovereign, a blessing in the form of divine wisdom. It's free, it's via Salvation, which is a gift to those who choose to walk closely with the Lord. It's not always measured by the world's standards though, and our flesh are always trying to lean towards the worldly ways making most of our Christian lives lukewarm. It's stated in 'Serving God in the Last Days' (1 Peter 4), that we have to have the attitude of having full commitment to God in all that pleases Him. Having one leg in the church and another in the worldly ways will still lead us to the second death. Our eyes, once opened to the experience God, and to whatever that is or not sinful, will always stay open. The seed is sown. To go against this, we will subject ourselves to being judged at the end of the day in the presence of God and bear the full brunt of God's wrath. It's a simple choice, do we want to suffer the second death after our earthly bodies pass away? I'll leave the question to you. To gain eternal life and claim God's promises is to live in the Will of God. Through Christ's death on the cross, our sins are washed away. God's grace and mercy continuously give us time to repent for our sins. Repetitive sins after numerous repentance, would only mean that we are taking God's grace and mercy for fun. In our obedience and our willingness to be disciplined, He will also reward us, and make us better persons for the morrow throughout and in His Timing. If it's not in this world's timing, it will be in the heavens, in God's Timing.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

A million times or more I've read, heard and seen this. In my younger days, when the Patti Smith & Don Henley song was aired in the early 90s, I was still too naive and idealistic to understand this.

The meaning of love to me was always about liberating the soul, deep and passionate feelings that will never sway you to look elsewhere. I never swayed, but I always have to make the choice to walk and never turn back. I went by this as in the parable of Lot's wife in the Bible, who turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back into the city that God asked both herself and Lot to leave.

Over the past 10 years, love has proven to me that it is so intangible, so treacherous in spite of it's enticing promise of fulfillment of a lifetime. The emotions that not only surrounds it, but entails it - the joy, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointments. Love hurts. Hurts so deep that no words could describe.

Then again, love is so joyful when it comes into your life, and so painful when it threatens your life. You just want to save yourself before it hits you too hard, before your sanity gives way and leave you completely changed for life. Trials of love are said to be good, but I cannot comprehend what good will this one brings because the hurt can be so unbearable.

I still cannot see how some of my girlfriends settle for second best, but theorectically, I now understand it. Though I cannot live like they did, because their priority is to marry before their time pass them by. I am not needy enough to marry for such reasons. I will only marry until I have found a true, passionate love. Somehow, this is being idealistic. I did think I have found it. I felt it, but what went wrong?

Let me tell you a story of a friend who lives in Bandar Utama, who is also Winnie's close friend. Her name is Mable. Now, Mable would call women like Winnie and me 'stupid', because we are, in a way. We refuse to go out with men that we do not feel much for, we will not stop for any man that we don't have chemistry with. We hardly feel any chemistry, but once we feel it, we are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Anyway, here is Mable's story, and how she was once like Winnie and I, but she changed over the years as having 'sobered up' as she has said. Mable left her Thai boyfriend of 10 years whom she will always love. She is now 3 months' pregnant and married to a Korean and living in the States. The Korean husband loves her more than she does, but still she's really happy because she knows she will never be disappointed again.

Mable met her Thai boyfriend during her university days, they had all the chemistry in the world, the love was true, but he was always pessimistic, a worry wart - basically weak. He didn't want to come to Malaysia to work, and when Mable wanted to sacrifice to go to Thailand to work and be with him, he would be negative about it and said that she'll never find a job there. She asked him 'Where do you want to go? We have to make this work somehow or rather because we will never find a love like ours with anyone else!' The Thai boyfriend agreed, and said, 'San Francisco, darling - let's go there'. Mable packed her bags, and got herself a job in San Fran. For 3 long, lonely years she waited for him there. Though there were many suitors, who are hot and bothered over Mable, but she always said 'no'... She continued her vigil in waiting. The Thai boyfriend never showed up, forever procastinating. They travelled to and fro, wasted time and money. He still couldn't decide when to go over. Mable finally gave up, and completely broken-hearted, she made a drastic move - moved to another place, changed her contact details and went on to a new job in San Fran. Soon, she started a new life, she gave in to a Korean friend whom she met in San Fran a couple of years' back. It was perfect, he could nurse her broken heart, and is completely crazy over her all along. He proposed, she accepted.

With the recent Tsunami catastrophe, Mable spoke to Winnie, "I am worried sick of my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I still dream of him every night, because he is the only love that I have in my heart. I will always love him, but on the other hand, I am now already married and is a mother-to-be. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I forced myself to eat for the sake of my baby." Winnie said to her, "Then, give him a call". Mable said, "No, sometimes it's better to love someone from afar than to be nearby". How sad!

Both Winnie and I were red-eyed with unshed tears upon hearing this. We are so frightened of being like Mable. We don't want to be like Mable, it'll be our worst nightmare. Though we love Mable and respect her thinking and her choices. But, we'd rather stay single all our lives than to settle for second bests like Mable did. It's like cheating when you lie in bed thinking of someone else. It's like having a foreign body in you when you are expecting a baby of someone that you do not love.

But what can one do, when the love of a lifetime couldn't decide? Both Winnie and I are going through the same dilemma, chasing our own tails, loving our own men who are flawed the same way as Mable's ex. I do not want to be with another man ever in my life again when this doesn't work out. This is my last stop, I will press on to other things, channel all my love and energy into more tangible things. I will need to work really hard, and be a battle axe with a hardy shell so that I will save up enough money for my future, and be able to pay for a good a nursing home when I can no longer take care of myself.

For the past month, I've been a walking corpse. I turned to God, big time. Praying 4-5 times a day, breaking down each time, doesn't matter where I was - in the office, at home, in the gym, in public. I'm at the brink of going insane, I fought very hard not to. I am happy one moment, and then I find myself crying the next moment, and then laughing again. I'd be in meetings, and all of a sudden I'd start crying, and I have to lie to my colleagues that something got into my eyes and I have to wash it out. I kept pretending. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not in the right frame of mind. How painful to go through this.

I've been singing the Patti Smith & Don Henley song the whole day, it's been playing in my head after I put down the phone tonight with him... I have had a painful trash out with him. I had to get if of my chest, because I have to let him know. I wouldn't let him know if I don't love him. I need him to decide for himself, and not out of guilt for me or for the other girl. The words coming out of my mouth, hurts me as I said them, and I think, it had hurt him too. If he has a heart, he will do the right thing in coming out clean. All the pretty words he said, love and all that stuff, it couldn't tally with his actions. I kept seeing the images of the American boys who tried to ask me out when I was at the university, I couldn't trust them an inch, because I know that they just wanted sex and experience an Asian girl. It scares me whenever I see this, I've always been sensitive towards such things, but how could I miss this one? It was so painful to start drawing such comparisons, that I have to give an ultimatum. An ultimatum that will at least, help him to be responsible for himself. At least, a salvation earned for him having done some good in his life. At least...

I gave him 7 days to decide, it'll be the longest 7 days of my life. But I'm willing to take the risk, because I have to get back to being normal. I hope he understands. Yet, I'm still praying for blessings for him and the other girl. Whenever I pray, I'd cry like a baby, because I'm so tempted to be unforgiving and bitter, but I know that I mustn't and I must see past this and be filled with grace and mercy for everything, as God is as filled with grace and mercy for the little flawed me.

So torn is my heart, and such a painful trial to go through. I too, prayed and is still praying to God for me to trust my beau like I used to, but he has yet to give me reasons to trust him. I still love him, and I don't know why God is not taking it away from me if he is not to be the one for me. I don't know what good it'll come out of this love of mine that will possibly be crushed in time to come. I suppose I'll only comprehend in God's good timing, and being prayerful at all times seems to be the only consolation and solace to my soul.

There comes a time in life, like mine now, when you know that words are not enough. You want to see the actions in place, you want some form of commitment. It's not pressing for marriage, nor is it about impatience or about the lacking of perseverance. It's about being fair, being considerate and being long sighted. Where does one go when one realises that sometimes love just ain't enough? I'll leave you now with this Patti Smith & Don Henley song, whoever who reads this blog, I hope you will pray for me:

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you,
just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you,
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus) But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you,
but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough. Oh, Oh, Oh, No

Unwanted Burdens

We all want to be free from burdens, because being burden-free is the epitome of happiness. I've yet to hear anyone who'd say 'no' to happiness and eagerly say 'yes' to receiving more unwanted burdens. These days, we just can't live in an ideal little world through our flawed eyes. In fact, there's nothing that strictly goes by the book, except for those in the scriptures.

Living in this world, nothing is tangible, unless we make it so by believing and putting in effort and commitments to see things through the thick and thin. Some believe in God, while some depend on the self to alleviate themselves from more worries generated from their burdens. Those who believe God as their companion in sharing their burden walk a more satisfactory route (though no easier route) in going through their doldrums in life, while the Godless, find themselves exhausted and 'humans' afterall - flawed, depleted of strength... and so forth. Which one are you?

With the realisation of Godliness or Godlessness in life, comes responsibilities of different magnitudes... all entails patience and routes of impatience that gives our lives interesting steep and shallow uphill and downhill lines, if plotted in a graph. Likewise, burdens that we have, big, medium or small, do overlap or run alongside each other. To complicate things more, there are lots of other variables that gets latch onto these lines i.e. family, friends, love life, and work. It becomes a bigger burden in our already-complicated human lives. It calls for a form of burden management. A reformation that involves a type of management that will not run us down spiritually, physically or mentally. My recommendation is seek God, but hey, not everyone's like me (though I hope that many would be able to experience God).

In life, we are never exempted from our fair share of guilts, obligations, depravations and also satisfactions of different forms, sizes and numbers - with Godliness or Godlessness alike. I'll term the concoction of 'guilts, obligations, depravations and dissatisfactions' as a drug. It is an inhibitor to allowing one in living a full life. The fact is that, it's a drug that only our individual selves could control... the amount of doses in it.

Most of us are constantly high on this drug. We are almost experts at using as a driving force to live life battling from it's addiction while contradicting ourselves that we are on our way to achieve more happiness. By taking little diversions here and there, as in lessening the dose, in hope to take our worries off our minds. But it doesn't go away, we have too much unwanted burdens, we just have to learn how to manage it.

Likewise, as many unwanted burdens we have in our lives, we also have many undeserved blessings. Yes, you heard the word - BLESSINGS, and undeserving at that too. A form of burden managing is to realise and learn to see how blessed we are! I'm talking about little blessings in life, such as having enough basics in life, the providence that yields to our survival to this day i.e. food, shelter, help received when we needed them (even simplistic help such as someone sharing your burden of carrying your groceries to the house / apartment). You know, little things are little blessings in life as well. All these are easily overlooked, and could be discounted as blessings because we choose to discount it and choose to take it for granted. Hence, behind all our unwanted burdens, we do have a million and one undeserving blessings. So why grumble? Think about that.

Another form of management is to perceive that all burdens have it's learning curves. Yes, there are lessons in life, a refining process. Nothing is chanced and cursed to be a futile 'happening' that yields to a total waste of time and wasted emotions. Acquiring acceptance and having a new perception over such things would only mean that we need to manage our bank of forgiveness too. Forgiveness applied unto ourselves and others without forgetting the lessons learned from the past, so that we could press on to be better persons and lead a happier and contented life. I'm a strong advocate for this... that lessons that are not learned from the past, imperils the current and the future life.

Though other stories of burden involves discontentment of one's financial position. Though discontentment drives many to be more wealthy, but not necessarily a smooth road to happiness. The thirst for 'finding more money' comes with addiction for the love of money, hence a loss of meaning in sustaining, let alone, achieving a fullfilled life. An empty vessel filled with the thought of having lots of money does not quench the thirst and hunger in humans, because when we die, we can't take worldly materials away with us. Even by knowing this, a majority of the world still grumble...

While some of the poor, the mediocre, and the upper-middle class are envious of the rich and famous, but what good would all that money bring? Look around the world, see how happy the rich are, you gauge and reason for yourself. Let's name a few... Christina Onassis took her own life because she was so unhappy with her position in life in spite of being a tycoon, money still couldn't buy her happiness... Princess Di, who died while in the progress of chasing true love and happiness all her life in spite of having all the money and fame in the world, and Barbara Hutton and many more that I can name. They too, are like us laymen out there, in having our own burdens. Money could not buy them happiness but only all that glitters and all that fame, but left their soul dry.Both the rich and poor have their burdens in life that weighs them down with responsibilities, if not, obligations of equivalent magnitude. Different sets of responsibilities and obligations for different individuals at that for people of different positions, ethnicities and levels of life.

There's no such thing as one having a bigger burden than the other. If we could empty our pockets of burdens into a weighing scale, they all weigh the same from one person to the next. They are all of the same magnitude, though it's of a different burden of different areas that is specific to our individual lives. So grumbling could be a form of pride in 'I'm handling bigger problems than you, so don't grumble about yours... ' Even grumbling has a rat race of it's own - a competitiveness in it's own world.

It's good that most are able to acknowledge that they are burdened, and are able to grumble and complain as an initial step to find salvation. Somehow, airing it out may work as an outlet, but it still doesn't allow the feel-good-endorphins to kick in. Maybe it's just temporary relief that some seeks. Afterall, the burdened views grumbling is allowed by grumbling aloud. Grumbling about things could probably alleviate some of their burden, temporarily, but it's a placebo, it still doesn't take away the negative toxin planted in the head.

Grumbles all stem from unwanted burdens in life. Such burdens come in different forms and sizes and directions, making us question again and again, "Why me?". The questions can never be answered, it leaves a sad echo trailing off into the space yonder. Somehow, it magnifies the burden into an unbelieveable size. Of course, we have people who are completely from the other end of the stick - those who are in denial. Nevertheless, those in denial are no happier than those who acknowledge that they have burdens. Those in denial are only able to mask the weight of their burden, for how long, only the individual knows. Yet, they prefer to suffer in silence when they are alone, in their quiet times - leaving the body weak and the soul dry.

Every single day, I hear people grumbling. Even walking past unknown strangers in malls or in some walkway, I hear them. Maybe Malaysians are born with the grumbling gene woven in the innocent-looking XX or XY chromosomes... as I hear less of it when I was travelling in other countries. Or perhaps it's an international thing or just plain coincidental? Aren't people the same everywhere? Anyway, I'd zip past people, and due to my high empathy level, my antennas usually pick up things along the way most of the time. I'd catch on to a sentence of two which entails either the tail-end or the midst of a complaint / grumble of some kind much more than those that has to do with joy or neutral things.

The negativity amongst people is astounding. People are always unhappy with their positions in life, leaving them sullen, laden with worries of all sorts. In most cases, giving them slouches, frowns, poor health, depression... even making them drag their feet to wherever they go. The embittered and depressed demeanor is so unattractive and unpersonable! I always believe that the negative would draw more negative... and they sometimes latch on to the positive and suck it dry with overwhelming doses of negativity. It's a recruit. They unconsciously form a community of depressed people, a grumbling communion, a mass that would understand their drowning of sorrows. Who can help them? No other ones but themselves. Even the urge to pray comes from within, the need to seek help too, comes from deep down in the heart.

Like the old saying, there's a silver lining in every cloud, that is how we should generate positiveness. By drawing on such beliefs, we will have renewed perception of things, our worries and our 'old negative selves' will pass away. There's a negative and positive button built closely next to each other in all of us. We should learn to press the positive one, eventhough we're going through the doldrums of life. A positive mind frame will help us look for drippings of grace and mercy amidst our burdens in life, giving us hope for a relief soon. So, try turning your grumbles into praises, you will know what I mean. With a little perseverance and patience, you will see that over time, you are actually living a full life filled with many underserving blessings amidst the unwanted burdens!

-10, 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50...

Let me begin this by saying, "I have noticed that there are significant similarities between those who are younger or older than me by the years of -10, 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. The natural affinity is instant! These are the people that I have grown terribly fond of over minutes, hours, days and months... even years. They know what I think even when there are a few words shared, we are a tiny bit telepathic... they understand my analogies, they see what I see... I know I'll keep them in my heart for life... my kindred spirits.

-10 = Angeline and Doreen, whom I see bits and parts of me in them eventhough they are 23, so free of trouble, so care-free.

0 = Valerie and Mag, who are so similar to me that we could be long lost triplets separated by birth. We laugh, and cry, and are just so God-to-honest to each other. There's no shame, no shame at all, we are not bothered what the world wants to make of us.

10 = Zorah and Andrina, whom I could see myself being just like them when I'm 43, never losing track of what's going on around me, but stay calm and collected all the time.

20 = Dr. Nor and Dr. Nafsiah, I could see myself being just like them when I'm 53, never losing the girlie gait and the ocassional giggle, but could still be military-styled strict and serious when it comes to work.

30 = There's no one that I know who is in this category

40 = Aunt Pauline, I could see myself being just like her when I'm 73, so collected and calm. So easy going and love life to the fullest.

50 = Uncle Kassim (Zorah's Dad) & Ungku Aziz, I could see myself like them, still standing up strong and wise, still passionate about what I believe in at 83.

It's strange that I could identify even from now... i could see myself being that way. Weird is the word, as those who fall short or above the above mentioned numbers, I do not seem to have natural affinities with them, nor a hint of like-mindedness.

This makes me wonder, what kind of trials will I need to go through this year, when I'm 33 going to 34. In most surveys, formal or informal, the age group categorised as different thoughts and ideas comes in the range of 18-25, 26-34 and so forth. I'm going to be in the 'last' age of that one category. I shall wait patiently and continue to look out for the drippings of grace and joy in whatever situation I may be in. I shall toast to all my kindred spirits tonight, and say a little prayer for all of them.

Goodbye Uncle Charlie

At the breakfast table on New Year's morning, between chewing my oats, I said to Papa, "Let's make a call to Uncle Charlie - we've not spoken to him since my graduation!" My Papa, in his stubborn old thinking, refused again and again, saying that it's too expensive to make international calls. For some reason, Papa is still stuck in a time warp of expensive international phonecalls overseas, eventhough I showed him proof of netphone cards in the denominations of 20 Ringgits for an air time of 2 hours to America. However, I relentlessly coaxed him to just do it.

Finally, after he has finished his breakfast, he went up to the bedroom, and brought down his little wrinkled-up address book. It's the same address book that I gave him 20 years ago for his birthday present. Papa opened the fragile looking address book, and pointed the number to me. I dialed and listened for the ringing tone, and passed it to Papa when the dialing tone came through. Papa looked eager, like a small child concentrating on a lollipop... 100% concentration, and the seconds tick slowly ... it felt like forever. Then he started speaking on the phone, in an introductory way as in who he is, and why he is calling, the other house phone began to ring. It was my sister, calling all the way from London to wish us a Happy New Year, and her big announcement of inviting Valerie (my childhood friend to stay over in London for 2 days).

From my line of vision while I was talking to Agnes, I could see Papa's brows knitted in a row. There was a strange confusion going on as Papa looked more distressed as the seconds went by, and I just had to hang up my call on Agnes and Valerie so that I could attend to Papa's distressed look. I quickly took over the phone conversation, and asked for Uncle Charlie. Ok, he's not there... so, I asked for Michael, Uncle Charlie's only child... and it is Michael, my cousin, that I was speaking to at that moment, but I couldn't recognise his voice! I felt awkward, and began the conversation with the usual 'How are you' bla bla bla... and asked Michael whether he still remembers me! Well, of course he does... he doesn't get visitors from Malaysia very often. Only then, bit by bit, the story unfolded, and we found out that Uncle Charlie has passed away minutes to my 33rd birthday last year. Michael said he kept repeating that to Papa, but he couldn't seem to hear it, but why is Papa seated so still beside me with a faraway look in his eyes? He must have understood it. I think Papa heard it, but he just couldn't accept it. Papa started to shed silent tears. He has lost his cousin, and it's symbolic to Papa since it's the first closely-related Yong in his generation to have passed away.

I continued speaking to Michael for a long time, while Papa sat quietly with tears rolling down his cheeks... he seemed to have grown so old and shrunken... broke my heart.... I was too in that condition, but still, I was happy to have found out that Michael has finally married Diane, and together, they have 3-year-old twins and a bouncing baby boy of 15 months. The conversation went on, and I repeated all the bits of what Michael said so that Papa could be part of the conversation. The accounts how how Uncle Charlie passed on and so forth. It was a premature death. So unexpected, and so painful. A stroke after a freak accident that left Uncle Charlie paralysed and completely lost his voice, and a 1.5 years bounded to the wheel chair, and finally, he joined the Lord at the second stroke on 30th March 2004. It hurt both Papa and I to hear this, because we know how lively Uncle Charlie is, and he is so up and going and independent... and so handsome! Surely, he has suffered a great deal and didn't want to live anymore when he was bounded to the wheelchair.

At the end of my call to Michael, I asked for the phone numbers of Uncle Patrick, Uncle Franklin, Aunt Julia, Aunt Pauline and Aunt Grace - all of Uncle Charlie's siblings. All these names that I've heard while growing up, but my memory of them were of a family picture taken in 1937. The year that Grand Uncle's family made their last visit to Malaysia before they headed off to Shanghai again, and later years to escape communist China by migrating to America. I remember Grandpa talking fondly about them, as he was the only one actively writing to Grand uncle in America. The update of news soon died out when Granduncle passed away in 1977, leaving an ocassional letter or two, annually from Grandaunt. When Grandaunt couldn't write anymore in her later years, the sporadic writing of letters were left to Uncle Charlie, who is the youngest son.

I've never seen any of their faces, except for Uncle Charlie back in December 1996. While Papa has not seen them since 1937, but also met up with Uncle Charlie with me in 1996. It was only Uncle Charlie that Papa was close to, or rather could relate to after 1937, as they were about the same age.

I remember Uncle Charlie very well, because as a student in the States, I used to call him, and we had a rapour which is unlike the ordinary. We have never met, yet we had so much in common and he would be so jovial and funny, making feel like a child, and I'd burst into peals of laughter. I knew what he looked like from the old pictures, and I could see Uncle Charlie in my mind, an older version from that in the picture.

When we finally met during my graduation in 1996, everything fell so nicely into place. My parents, Agnes, Uncle Min & Aunt Nyuk from Canada were there too, and we had a great reunion, and promised that we'll meet up and talk to each other soon. Now 8 years has passed, all of us were too busy with our own lives to make to contacts.

To find out that we are 9 months' too late, it tore our hearts out. I called Uncle Patrick after saying my goodbyes on the phone to Michael. I spoke to Uncle Patrick, introducing myself, telling him why I am calling... and then passed the phone to Papa to speak to Uncle Patrick, and Papa took a deep breath, and tears started to stream down his face, and he could not even speak till seconds later, "Patrick Ko, I am so sad that Charlie Ko passed away" (Ko is a Hakkha word to address a brother who is older than us). I could hear Uncle Patrick's voice cracked when he said he remembered Papa... and then he too, was sobbing. They spoke for a long time, and it was amazing... blood is really thicker than water... 67 years' gap was bridged at that instance between Papa and Uncle Patrick. Uncle Patrick's a Scientist, and he's still working at the age of 76.

After the call to Uncle Patrick, I tried to call Aunt Julia and Uncle Franklin, but I only managed to leave a message in their answering machine. However, I managed to get hold of Aunt Pauline. I did my introductory bits again, and let Papa take over the conversation for a while. Soon, Papa ran out of things to say because she's an aunt! *Sigh* the men in my family are strange... even at times of such! So I took over, and spoke to Aunt Pauline for 2 hours! We hit off instantly, and I knew that Aunt Pauline is easy to love, just like Uncle Charlie. Aunt Pauline said she misses Uncle Charlie, the live wire of the family, and she couldn't take his passing too, as he's the youngest brother. Upon saying that, I couldn't hold back my tears, and I could hear Aunt Pauline's voice cracking, I know then, she too was as distraughted as I was. I was 9 months too late, but at least Aunt Pauline got to say her goodbyes.

The call finally ended, and Papa and I spent moments of silence. Mama joined us, while Francis (my bro) was oblivious and could not feel a thing. It's hurting us so much to have lost Uncle Charlie, but at the back of my mind, I'm glad he went as he wouldn't want to be remembered as someone who is bounded to a wheelchair. Both Michael and I shared this view, but we cannot say that to our parents' generation, who will be really angry at us for saying this. The Chinese believes that it doesn't matter how the condition of the person is, as long has he / she is still alive, they should be happy to be alive. *Sigh*

Both Michael and I understood that Uncle Charlie will always want to be happy and upgoing, and will never want to be of any inconvenience to anyone else. Michael knew that, and tried his best to make him happy from year 2002 (after the accident) till he finally passed on. Michael would drove Uncle Charlie to Virginia every weekend to see Uncle Franklin, and every other day to see either Uncle Patrick, Aunt Pauline, Aunt Grace and Aunt Julia around New York area. Uncle Charlie seemed happy to see his siblings, eventhough wheelchair-bound... they learned to read his expressions when he could not answer whenever they speak and have conversations with him. 'His eyes were always bright, and he knows exactly what's going on all the time, Angela', said Michael. Still, we both know that Uncle Charlie can't wait to go...

Uncle Charlie had a good life, nevertheless... he is well-loved till he passed on. I thought to myself, 'Goodbye Uncle Charlie, I'm sorry that we only tried to look for you after 8 years... I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for this. I'm sorry I didn't know earlier... but you'll forgive me, won't you, Uncle Charlie? Goodbye Uncle Charlie, Jesus loves you, and may your soul rest in peace.'

I stand in awe

Today marks the 10th day after one of the worst catastrophe on earth. I spent hours and days in totality of prayer time, dedicating specific focus to God to comfort the survivors and give peace to the souls that are usurped on the 26th December 2004. My waking moments are sombre, and my heart heavy with compassion and a need to help in some form of way. I sought for ways to donate, in prayers first, and then followed by monetary donations and products.

The images that I see and feel in my mind, soaked up all the empathy I have within, leaving my soul dry and my body weak. Yet, I still stand in awe, breathing in sweet fresh air, seeing and feeling joys and sorrows. It's a strange feeling, and I am learning from everything, experiencing the providence of God, understanding the importance of being moulded and disciplined in life through trials that did not rob me of my life, but gave me a new lease in life. I am blessed, and my eyes are opened. Such revelation will bring responsibilities, and I am willing to be responsible.

My mind went back to the book of Revelation that I read and took for granted ages ago - The prophesies of end days. Though I shuddered at more than half of the prophesies that has already happened on earth, I am still grateful that I am alive. The recent catastrophe was too, written in there. Read this as part of a partial narration of the book of Revelations that I could find in the internet.

My tears sting the back of my eyes at the thought of being blessed to be given time to repent and appreciate the little things around me. My compassion and empathy has taken a new turn when I look around me, of people that I see, from the forgiveness of myself first and also to those around me. Such great mercy and grace that I have experienced, that has filled me with new eyes and feelings.

I looked back retrospectively into the past, and learn to apply the learned wisdom from God's providence into my current life. In faith that my current life, will snowball into a future of Godliness that will be blessed till the end of time. I know the responsibilities in this, as the walk will not be an easy one, but relying on God's promises that He will not abandon me gives me a Will to continue in joy. Just by knowing and believing that half my burden is shared by just believing in Christ, I know that I will be able to bear the pains administered by the world and secular ways. There will be a silver lining in every cloud, no matter how grey and gloomy the cloud is - a perception of a positive future is a must.

I look at my parents, uncles, aunties and many other parents of friends and acquaintances alike, they are too, blessed with the longevity of life, an abundance of time, a life lived in full. I too see my contemporaries, and many younger lives and new borns, they have experienced the breath of life.

The breath of life, is a breath of the beginning to live. I am not talking about 'being alive' per say, there are many people who are born in this world, but they are like walking corpses. They do not know where they are going, what they want to do, they are coerced by the ways of the world, depending on the natural sinful nature of man. The beast within, the sins of the flesh, an old self that will demonstrate its destructive pleasure-seeking capacity.

Knowing the works of Godliness within, I too find myself turning away from my old self. An old self that should have passed away, the one that hints of bitterness and ways of the world. Seeing this differene, I know my eyes are now opened, the understanding that the void within is to be filled by the spirit of God. That is the experience of understanding the beginning of Grace. With this, it comes with a responsibility of not living just for myself, and it also involves life-long process of trials that is for the good in us to grow. Eventhough there will be pain in this good, the pain will be good for us in this maturing in Christ process. A growth that will know no words, but a submission in praise and worship to the Sovereign. My mind is now, playing that song I sang when I was 18, 'I stand in awe of you' . With this, I'll leave you to your thoughts.

A New Year haunted with Past Pains

The Nightwatch mass began at 10:30pm at the St. Francis Xavier Church, off Jalan Gasing on the night of 31st December 2004. Throughout the mass, many prayers were said, moments of silence were shared, a communion of peace was experienced. It was a night, dedicated to all the dead and the survivors of wars, other man-made disasters and the recent natural disaster. It's also a night where we surrendered our past hurts, our misgivings, our joys and everything else to God, and for blessings and challenges to the Word for the upcoming 2005.

Every year, I would attend the Nightwatch mass, and this time, the church is more packed than it was in the past. People were still trickling in to fill the church even at 11:30pm, and soon, even the corridors were filled with people - some seated on plastic chairs, and some leaning on the railings by the side, while many found comfort on the cold hard ground when there weren't any more chairs available.

My empathy level soared, and likewise, many others around me are feeling that way too. We prayed fervently for the good Lord to give peace to those who lost their lives in the earthquake that sent catalysmic waves across 12 nations. My eyes watered with the images of the situation, victims and survivors. Unanimously in our own individual prayers in the congregation, we prayed for the Lord to comfort the distressed survivors with hope, love and all that they need to heal and not be bitter.

Stories I hear from Winnie's charity work with the Red Cross in the past few days, of how strong Malaysian and International individuals pouring into Aceh were met with the stupid Rebels who refused to allow them in. Everyone was stuck in Medan area for more than 48 hours, before they allowed help to arrive at the site. Those who could have survived are already dead because their wounds and bleeding were unattended to... many, many other things that could be avoided from the aftermath were blocked by power-hungry fools. As Winnie narrated, I could see vivid images form in my mind, making me wrecked with sobs. I am so removed from the scene, yet the pain was so great, I fear to even be in that situation myself - I would not have survived.

I reflect on this, my own life, how my very own rocky roads in 2004 were. All my hopes, my desires, my disappointments, my love, my dreams of the future, I gave it to God. I do not want to be haunted with past pains, and I don't want my dreams of the future to divert my faith. My past actions, though will stay in my memory, it can be forgiven by God. I will need to remember the attitude of Apostle Paul in where he has advised that the memory should not bring any past guilt or pride, because we have to have one driving passion as Christians, to know Christ better. I feel empowered by this, and nothing pleases me more than wanting to learn from the past and living the current wisely so that it will not imperil the future of those around me, and myself.