Heading towards a greener pasture

A week has passed me by since I have attended a farewell dinner and wished the best to an ex-colleague who has landed herself a job in Kiwi-land.

It brings me joy to see someone hatching from the mundane shell of things to see and experience a new world of opportunities. This in turn, got my mind ticking again of my opportunity in doing the very same thing. Now, only if I have had taken it on a year and a half ago. Well, it's still not too late to realise it, I'd say.

The recent proposed change of management structure and the politickings at work made that 'realisation' even more vivid. I suppose there has been a built up of things, which also contained the seedings contributed by my sister's ideas and thoughts of remaining in this country.

Here I am, a little more than a week to the 48th year of the Malaysian independence celebration... So, where did my patrioticism go? I feel nothing more than lukewarm. I think it was never quite there, the warmth nor the coldnes. Though trails of warmth were salvaged during my days in the States as in being 'proud to be Malaysian', however, it all changed when I had to return home. Upon arriving home, not knowing where my future will lead me to, I was lost in a world of my own - filled with contempt, filled with obligations. It was all that I was then as obligations created a din between my ears. My father, whom I love unconditionally has gotten me to where I am today, rooted and obligated.

Filiality was greater than patrioticism, of course. As the pride has fizzled out by now due to the years of drummings and happenings, the loss of opportunities, the many degrees of attitudes and sub-cultures manifesting from all unthinkable and unsuspectable situations. The experience to date has its magnitude on my self, my growth and my sense of belonging. I have had allowed such to have affected or infected me, there's no one to point a finger at. Somehow or rather, these emotions well up, and contaminates my mind in many ways. My solution to decontaminate whenever I can is by getting out of the country at least once a year, or if I have more leave days to play with, twice.

I'd like to make this home, my green pasture, even as a second-class citizen, with the irony of being the 5th generation here. For some reason, there are more brown bits and weeds growing in my green pasture than its 'should be lush-green'. It had me realising that many things seem to scream 'it's a dead end'. My Dad thinks that I lack positive thinking, but my dreams are darting across my mind, leaping into a form of hallucination, if not reality. I think Dad is of a different generation and has different things to look forward to, and afterall where is he to go since he has us all around him? I will have no one when my parents pass on if I continue to be affected and infected. I'll have to decide for myself, the sooner the better - completely decontaminate.

Now, should I head off back to my plans 2 years ago by getting back to my good ol' green pastures in the land yonder? It's getting more attractive as the days go by, especially when I've begun to drag my feet to work, and hear unsolicited advise to be married and to settle down. My sis and Zorah's right, I can still hear their words. It is my 'self' that I have to listen to - my ways, my style, my being - I cannot be contained here, else I risk total intoxication. I need my growth, and I will grow in time to come, my mind has once again begun to click.

Lily-white life

I prefer to believe that I led that life all my life since I have a few greyish spots here and there. Yup, they are just lil' specks on that lily that are non-permanent, and amongst them, my love for a nicotine kick.

So, this got me to thinking as I've been working up and down the hill of corporate, marketing, business development, in-house training and all the blahs in the name of the academia industry. Right on, and 'big deal', aye? All those that I've worked with and for were interested to know all the syrupy sweet nothings that ever marred my lily-white responses. The thing is that, dressing and demeanor counts in being criss-crossed and mauled thoroughly to be fitted into the non-lily-white category. Bloody hell, what's the big deal about knowing someone else's private life?

Not even a few alcoholic drinks and honey-glib tongued individuals could unzip my choice of my preferred lifestyle. Perhaps being moulded and expected to be lily-white played a role my habit-forming qualities. Though some may prefer to view it as Lord of the Ring's hobbit-forming qualities - so what?

I sat in front of my desk, having tuesday blues instead of the ordinary monday blues (since I was off work yesterday to do my filial-daughter bits), and read all the junk in my mail box. Apart from my subrscribed scientific researches of proofs and mad findings of behaviours, issues and new drugs / cure for diseases, I've noticed a whole of non-subscribed junk sitting arrogantly in my mailbox. I'm always amazed at how many crazy viagra linked emails and porn there are, including those of miraculous cures and drugs for the materialistic orgasm-crazed world's demands that have resulted to the churning of such junk mails. I got really annoyed, highlighted the lot and sent it to the spam bin.

Then in one of my subscribed researches, a link on some ediets findings popped up, announcing this title: one-night stands - the good, bad and the ugly. That caught my eye, all right, because I know of insurmountable people who went into such experiences with their eyes wide opened. I never understood 'why', and how the hell did they not be responsible for their actions as decent human beings. Of course, I'll leave the men thing out, as men are mostly useless bastards who'd think through their pants more of 'the moment of orgasmic bliss' than their brains and heart. Women who went into these, on the other hand, are just plain in denial about having equality and revenge. It doesn't matter what ethnicity we are, and at which society, women are women. Furthermore, women always end up in the shorter sticky stick than men who have all the liberty of sowing their seeds and droppings like birds. Many women and men who read this may have violent disagreements and may be defensive if they have been 'through the experience'. Why be defensive and react and feel as if I'm talking about them if there's never any wrong or discomfort towards it?

Anyway, I have different argument from violent rejecters of my lily-white thoughts. They think that I'm 'missing out' in life. I kindly ask, "What's there to miss out when you know yourself and who and what you are in the first place? Takes character and wisdom to swim against the worldly currents. Why let lily-white complexions and insides be the butt of a joke? Tainted lives can never be transformed back to lily-whiteness, and I refuse to be a grey lily. That's my choice, my dignity and my right to my own body and mind." I get a smirk in reply, and a big round of sparring and thrusting for the sake of 'who will win the argument'. Is the smirk and argument supposed to get to me?

I wonder what it takes for one to just 'win' without a rationale - all the arguments and harsh words? It's ok by me if they just want to win in the conversation, and they should know better that it's their bodies and mental state they are dealing within themselves, not me. It's sad that many do not realise that the only person that will be with 'you' all your life, is 'you'. Sigh... we truly live in a fallen world, filled with myths and denials and failed trials in life and all the false testimonies and gusto arguments of proving others' wrong. It's best to learn by examples, observations, and Godliness... some things in life, we just don't have to experience it because we don't live long enough to experience everything in the world and waste all that percious time to heal from continuous series of pains and hurts from proven dead-end and mentally-exhausting experiences.

Where is Malaysia heading to these days?

With the independence day around the corner, I'm just thinking that Malaysia has come a long way and did tons to gain it's independence. To this day, Malaysia has not only recovered it's freedom, it's beauty and salvaged the remains of the cruel raping of the ex-rulers, but also had lots of plusses in having insurmountable great things to offer --> a plethora of good food (we're talking about international too... such a food paradise!), the warmth of it's people, the 'do not care less attitude' (a.k.a. 'tidak apa' attitude), our love and affinity for peace, and wonderful, wonderful nature!

However, sandwiched between, or found in the pores of such wonderful things, and in all things that is of unique Malaysia, or 'Malaysianess', you will find unbelievable and shocking behaviours that are unbefitting of all those mentioned pleasant-ville qualities of Malaysia.

Eventhough a lot of folks these days are more civic-minded and more educated, there are still a large group out there who are eye-sores to the public eye. Did I mentioned "educated" earlier? I must be kidding, hah! Well, truth of the matter is that, forget about them having their education or are 'well-travelled' for instance, as most still end up being extremely 'kiasu' (a Hokkien term for those 'who are afraid to lose out to others'). Where is Malaysia heading to if the community is filled with such trash?

Kiasu behaviours can be seen on roads (we're probably ranking top #3 'worse driving skills' chart of having the worst and craziest drivers on earth). Likewise, the said behaviour can also be witnessed whenever there are mega sales, and free things distributed etc. Amongst these, you will too, find litter bugs, abusers of nature, abusers of public properties / conveniences i.e. public phones and toilets etc.

You will too, find that a 'good few' who would not appreciate queueing systems while getting on any public transport, public toilets, getting into lifts, pay counter etc. To top it all (worse of the worst) is where there's 'free food' (i.e. open houses, or anywhere else)... you will see a greater transformation of 'nice' Malaysians into 'ugly' Malaysians who are so lack of civic-mindedness (not to mention, manners!). Such sad social illnesses are mushrooming faster than our high-rise buildings!

It makes our harmonious multicultural society a joke. We are so proud in so many ways to say that we are 'rich' with our culture and open-mindedness towards the world, and at the same time embrace age-old traditions and customs i.e. respecting the elders and the sick by giving up our seats for them (I'm talking about public transport), or let them have their food first, or get ahead of us while queueing etc. However, there are just 'some folks' who'd swim against these mentioned good parts of the said good nature and beautiful culture.

Back to the question earlier, "Where is Malaysia heading to these days?" It seems that we will never progress but regress if these social illnesses are not curbed. Already, as a colonised country, we have inherited tons of bad habits from the colonial days to disintegrate the society (the divide and rule tactic), but why continue to 'do ourselves in' by topping up with "kiasuness"? Shouldn't we be heading towards a better nation, with better manners and civilisation by proving to the ex-rulers that we are behaving better after independence?

Naive joy

At the sight of Magnolia Chocolate milk, my class of 14 6-year olds' faces lit up like christmas trees! They were smiling and stretching out their necks, nudging each other to confirm that 'it is chocolate milk that they are seeing!'.

Yes, I walked in to class this morning, with a huge plastic bag filled with packets of chocolate milk, a few packets of colour pencils, stickers and exercise books. I did my bit of shopping last night for a whole hour, looking for lil' treats for my kids.

Just last week, Ms. Suan who took over my class for the day told me that my kids are demotivated to learn as they have not been rewarded of late for their hard work. My heart sank, of course as I didn't see it coming from them. To me, they are always happy to see me, and they are cheeky and naughty, and daring and happy to see me! I can't go that wrong???

So, today, when I walked into the class, they squeaked 'good morning' in their kiddie voices! They looked like they have missed me! Anyway, they were all happy (making me think that these kids do not look demotivated at all!), and perhaps it's the rapport that I have with them that Ms. Suan doesn't have. Well, I've already bought all the lil' pressies / treats for them, so, I might as well make 14 lil' hearts swell with joy.

Without pausing to do other things, I announced to the class that everyone will go home with chocolate milk and also, stickers... You should have seen the excitement on their faces. Such joy, though naive, but I felt so happy to see them smiling happily... they are infectious! So, you can well-imagine us there, our faces were about to split into halves with wide and happy smiles and grins.

Spontaneously, I made up some rules, and announced to them 'For each spelling session, if you have one mistake, you will have a small sticker, and if you have 100% correct, you will have a big star sticker." I paused, and so did the kids, they held their breaths to hear more... and I kept them in a tiny bit of suspense (they were so cute and so filled with anticipation!).

Well, I continued, "Now, I will count all these stickers in your spelling book. If I count that you have 10 stickers, I will reward you with a golden star. If you have a golden star, I will give you a bigger present - set of colour pencils". I waved a packet of coloured pencils in the air... and saw the kiddies' eyes glued on them like magnets!

Then I turned to my teachers' table, and sat down sticking stickers and counting stickers in their spelling books. You should see them the moment I did that, the kids all left their seats and rushed towards me, and crowded around me to count the stickers 'together' with me. They love their stickers soooooo much!

As excited as they are, I proudly told them that I have bought 'outlined stickers'. All the kids knew about 'what they were'... haha! In fact, I didn't know there was 'such a thing' till I was educated by the ladies at the bookstore last night. I bought 'em goldie-outlined 'star-shaped' stickers... Now, I can't believe that there has been so much developement on stickers in comparison to my ol' days as a kid!

So, 4 out of 14 got their their golden stars, and also coloured pencils. So much for their joy! Hmmm... and classes went on as usual, but more 'livened up'. I suppose that's what Ms. Suan meant by 'motivating them'. They were indeed, happier than the usual 'happy' I see them as. I'm thinking that how wonderful it is to have such naive joy, and to be so easily pleased. I wonder where did all of that in me go to, as I do remember myself being that way too before. Still, I'm happy for today's insight and exposure, and it reminded me to love life and a little more, and leave complications behind.

A time to be strident...

Deep conversations and ideas usually crop up between the puffs of cancer sticks and exhaling concentrated carbon dioxide! There we are, Doreen girlie and I, 10 years apart in biological age from each, but ironically equal in our strident and snooty ways. Some things can neither be watered down by years nor segregated by age.

Anyhoo, the topic was all about 'grooming our future kids to be Chinese Eds in oppose to English Eds' to produce parental-desired-result-children. Doreen's reasoning is a spot on in reflection to her self-examination and empathy for her parents, 'I don't want my kids to be like me, so strident, rebellious and snooty!' Well, me on the other hand, unregretful and cheerleading to have my kids to be just like me, swam right to the opposite end of Doreen's reasoning. It'll be interesting to have kids as strident a.k.a. willful as I am. Hah!

So, food for thoughts, are strident behaviours moulded or innate? Definitely moulded to an extent, but sometimes it's just in the genes, afterall, I am the way I am because I'm my parents' child. Lions cannot have lambs for children.

We love our parents and other authorities to an extent (this is not convincing, so let me reword it --> we obey because most of us fear punishment and the wrath of God for disrespecting). Yes, that's it! Absolutely and no doubt about it! BUT, where do we draw the line in deciding what we want for ourselves from what our parents want out of us? I see many parents, living their dreams through their children, making them do all sorts of things to make up for the loss times of what their very own parents couldn't afford or lack of planning then to give them due opportunities to do what they dreamt of... Here we go again!

So, these thoughts snowballed to a different dimension, though I see it's links. Take for example, for all that I've observed in my very limited span of work life and life as a whole, it's the strident ones that got to see more of the world, and love life more for themselves than to just live for others (including parents). Rebellious or selfish, may all strident children be called, but there's a reason of how individuals would like to fulfill their dreams and walk their own little litted paths, though destined. Should we accept our fates so obediently or is it worth a fight to at least try and make things work? Being Chinese Educated appears to me as having a leash around my neck, and at the beck and call of parents' or any authority, great sense of honour and respect for rules and regulations, and being totally mindful of one's social standing in a shared community. While being English Educated is all about speaking back and having one's own mind, and eyeing for loopholes in rules and regulations, a willfulness to insist that respect and authority is earned, not out of blind acceptance of an exponential relationship between ascending respect with upward moving hierarchical order.

Because of feudalism a.k.a. 'forced respect', the world suffered. While the poor and middle class rot by working their fingers raw and squared off in spite of knowing a better way to improve things, AND the blue blooded ones, upper and upper-middle class excel in the expense of the initial. Likewise, crappy traditions and customs are not broken off and got interwoven into modern times, stunting the growth and promotion of the poor to middle class, and the middle class to upper middle. Likewise, the kind of ingrained 'respect for there's no other way' due to the meritocracy of age, position (all of ascending hierarchical order) from Chinese-Ed-mentality, keeps one within the box of acceptance. So, be thankful to keep safe, and never dabble into the world of opportunities and the times of signs, age and modernism. You get the drift.

There's a time to be strident when you want to see results. Plan to make changes for a better life, and oozing satisfaction of "I've been there". I'm speaking of stridence that do not injure and hurt others from progressing, neither those that step on the weak to excel. BUT, hardwork, dilligence, hope and perserverance. I'm very much in agreement to the point where progression of individuals, companies, technology and all that of it's interalia likeness is due to agression (the good and positive kind) ---> dare to dream ---> dare to try ---> dare to swim against the flow of rigidity. Some may say that this is all about the birth of anti-establishment. My father once said that I'm anti-establishment, but he made a choice of perceiving me as having a mule-headed rebellion against authority. Nah, nah, nah, it's about improving things, adopting new ideas and living outside of a boxed-mentality. Afterall, nothing of these compromised with my ethics, ingrained moral and religion... so, it doesn't fit into a mixed-up / mixed-bag of confusion category.

Technology, better lifestyle, happier people...all stem from people who have achieved part of their dreams and so forth. Imagine a world where everyone lives in obedience and rules and regulations, we'd still live without lights, cars, handphones and many more comforts in life. We might as well join the Amish. At least the Amish did not stop us from progressing the way we want, they just refused participation and left us to our own devices. But that cannot be said for most parents and authorities, they want to stop us dead on our tracks.

So, hurrah to being strident, as it kicks the square to learn to roll over, and definitely brings the lions out of lambs!

Whoah... time flies!

August just rolled in today, and I can't believe that we're actually in the 8th month of year 2005! I was just thinking, I'm only 4 months plus in my braces, and just into my 3rd month of Catechism classes - all in all, a bloody long way to go!

On one hand, I'm happy that the days and months are rolling past me like a blink of an eye, while another part of me on the aging bits is weighing me down. Though ironically, my weight has gone down a whopping 4 kgs since I had my braces on... so, who needs Atkins or South beach diets? Just go get braces!

Every single day, I'd stare into the mirror a few times a day or anything that I come across that has a shiny surface and reflects my image. I'd take long stares of my teeth, and make all sorts of monkey faces so that I'd get a better glimpse of my molars, canines and incissors. I'd even go to the extent of playing with my braces a little, smack my lippies a bit, and see what I'd look like if I smile this way or that way? Too much wires or teeth showing? What's the ratio of teeth to braces to gums are like? Geez, ain't I glad that I'm no engineering chick who is specific about precisions or degrees or angles of anything!

Yeah, it sounds like all the 'mirror-looking' may imply that I've contracted some rare type of narcissus syndrome, but not quite. I'm a madam-metal-mouth at the moment, so just think of 'jaws' in the Bond series of 'moonraker'. Even Martin would nod vigourously at this comment, as he thinks that I'd come in handy when he wants a bottle of beer opened... I could just well imagine him whistling me over, "here, here, girlie, open your mouth and 'pops' the beer lid off the bottle and starts *gulping*". How convenient!

FYI, my teeth have moved a fair bit, and they are straightened these days, with lil' gaps in between! Imagine the impossible-looking crowded and bucked-two-front teeth I once had is no longer there. Even my face shape has changed (me jaw has shrunken, my cheeks have sunk in - I'm no longer the round-faced girlie you once knew).

The next thing to do in the next appointment is for the dentist to put in a different set of thicker volumed wires. This will push my top and bottom front teeth in, and to pull the back top & bottom teeth towards the front to close those gaps where the chucked-out biscupids were once at. I'm excited to see the changes, and I can imagine 'em gaps closing. At the moment, they are closing oh-so-slo-o-o-o-wly. Just 1mm per 3 weeks, and a few stubborn ones are not even budging yet? A biscupid tooth gap is about 6mms, if you are interested to know. So far, 3mms are closed, and that's halfway! Yay! So, *quick calculation* this may mean that I need another 4 months for the gaps to completely close? Hmmm? Come November and December... come quickly *chant chant chant*.

Now, enough of my teeth, let's look at another set of teething problems... My parents' visit and Martin's undecided mode! As for parents, they are in the midst of the 3rd week of visit (glad time's flying on this one). I love 'em, but they can't leave me alone without telling me off like I'm a small child, or stuff me up like a turkey with all the nice foodies! As for space (which I long for the most...), I was just complaining to Zorah this afternoon that I don't even have a proper toilet break at home without Mom knocking to either get my change of clothes, or she wants to brush her teeth, or have her 'private moment' at the pee pit. So, forget about the mention of having some teeny weeny space to myself. What space?

Sleeping arrangements were as per usual eventhough Winnie has moved out of the spare room. I bumped into Winnie when I was jogging at the Mont Kiara Forest Reserve tracks, and she said, "have yer parents moved into my ex-room yet?" I said, "Nah, nah, they refused to". Seems like the bonding bits are much better if Mommy sleeps with daughter, and Daddy sleeps with son... yes, bro and I are pouting to the max that you can actually hang a couple of clothes hangers on our lower lip. *Hey! no incest going on here - just a very traditional Chinese way of parents bonding with their kids, irregardless of their age!*

As for Martin, status quo or currently regressing. Yup, nothing to write about this.... sad, huh?

Nevertheless, I'm trying hard to fill up my days with more reading, which I've abandoned for years. I missed reading, and I should get back to it, and take advantage of the situation with parents being around. Time would fly even faster if I'd nose dive into them books, especially the religious order ones! Hmmm... means that the waiting time for my braces would be quartered by now, and the Catechism classes errr... quartered as well. Before I know it, year 2006 will be just around the corner.