Famous last words...

Over the years, I remember making strong and mule-headed statements that I thought I could stick by for the rest of my life. May it be my responses towards events and issues, experienced or stuff downloaded from family and friends, or the gunk I’ve read in the media. Yes, I do indeed, perhaps sadly have and had my opinion over anything and everything - a tad bit short of being totally judgemental. Even things that I do not know, I’d go all the way out to do a research to learn more about it so that I know what I’m talking about, in which could be termed as being kiasu (a hokkien term for 'afraid to lose out').

I have had and still have strong opinion towards this and that, as old habits die hard. I have however, I picked up some tact along the way, eventhough bluntness still escapes and gets the best of me. Edging myself to slow down some, perhaps due to age and being-quick-to-tire-out I have now retrained or conditioned myself to accept that not everything must come with an opinion - just accept it flat 'as it is'.

I remember being so opinionated that I struggled very hard to stick by my reasoning and train of thought. Sadly, I did not only become a pain to others, but to myself as well. Every once in a while, I still feel like a pain at times by being burdened with opinions. I didn't have a word for my impossibilities, but over the years, the word was formed and it became clearer... yes, 'pride' is the word.

I was indeed, screaming with pride and an ego with the egg-size of an ostrich's or emu's. How silly of me, and now, I can laugh about it, but then, it was no joke... I take things so seriously. I began to dig into my old days, and roughly mapped my then opinion to idealistic situations or frameworks. It was a tall order, where non-humans could go or achieve.

Such superhuman expectations to attain such ideals helped me to build a towering fortress around me. I meant to have myself in my sanctitised realm, which is befitting to be locked away for good. Only the like-minded get to share this very idealistic world of mine. I can now laugh at all that time wasted in investing so much of myself for the sake of personal face which I have then comfortably coined with another word "the facts", but I was just being plain righteous. It must be then palatable for me to reason further by soothing my pride call them 'principles'. Principles to perfection they are, because I soon became very unforgiving of myself for every unattained goal, and it spilled over unto people around me - I gave them tall orders too.

I've stated many famous last words - these words were strewn carelessly and strongly in little speeches and yacks, usually evangelised as unsolicited advise without realising that I sadly lack tact in wisdom for them in spite of having researched. Aging gave me some depth, and I'm sure, there's more depth to go and I will wait patiently and deal with life as I go along. No more will I enter the realm of topics with pre-occupied opinion, and feel crushed later on to discover that I chuck notes on researches that do not sooth me, and quote those that suits me.

So opinionated that I was, I began to convert my loved ones to see my points and to understand them. Good God, what a mess and maze! I realised that did not only hurt others in the process, but myself too. Only in later years, did I actively practice the art of compromising and forgiveness and to find the perfection in the imperfect. The world transformed to be a more beautiful place to live in, and my second-child syndrome began to ebb away as well.

To date, with some gained wisdom from many falls and rises, 'principles' to me are to stick as close as possible to the 10 commandments and the beatitudes as possible. It's definitely hard to be like the Biblical Job, or to emulate Christ's steps. Remapping my faith and given time did teach me lessons, and I've had painfully learned from each and every one of them. Only in defeat and disappointments did I take a few steps back to view my world and myself from a third party's viewpoint. I've learned that not only people around me are humans, so am I, and rigidity is not to be applied to everything.

Thinking back now, I saw the contrasting differences - I've even lost track of the numerous changes gained from observations and experiences. It's to the extend of practicing a completely opposite act or move on to the next track to the then-dearly-held statements. Those famous last words are meant to be cast in iron, and many of those heavy casts have been hurled onto others through a web of words that have and had passed my lips. Matriach-style, and unfashionable was what I practiced and pratised as I refused to adapt to many changes. Then, I will not want to change, because I fear of being malleable and evolutionised to be something unethical or unprincipled. The harder I try, the more painful I became to the self and to others. My actions, my words, have and had slapped back onto my very face. How true it is for the old saying, 'for every action, there's a repercussion'. Repercussion it seems, has rippled on for years to beat me into my form today, a complete change of my former self. I am taking things apart, and learning to recategorise and repriotise the order of what and how I say things.

In my journey of learning and unlearning, I pause to listen to my surroundings and myself - to gauge my thoughts from my talk to walk, and thinking this way and doing this. I fear of losing my principles, my focus in life and all that I hold dear to. 'Principles' as I've known were compartmentalised by my own devised hypothetical and theorectical frameworks. With much folly, I'd stick to the ground with my own framework of thought and fail to listen before I speak.

Perhaps I've lost that old originality of a high priestess mentality, but I believe stepping down from that pedestal has made me a better person for the society, my family and myself. Remembering that others are being human and I myself too, is human, I've acquired acceptance of weaknesses by tapping on strengths. My old expectations are now toned down, and there are no longer hurdles of tall orders to ahead of me. My world is now shared, and it no longer of that belonging to the white elephants of the land yonder. Knowing and understanding all these with a thought-over insight, I now blanch with shame for all those past unaudible mutterings beneath my own breath or of those uttered in defiance and rock-solid stance. My words, those famous last words, eventhough it may be of the past, still ring loudly in my ears. I realised my blanching is an internal struggle with my own self-forgiveness. Still, it's the battle of the pride within. The insurmountable pride, laced with prejudice at times, had their adverse effect. The once towering walls of self-pride and even negative pride I've practiced have today forced me to my knees. Time and again, I've been bowled over by lessons in humility.

All I can say today is that it's better to be kind than to be always right. How true it is, that observations from others combined with personal experiences can change the course of one's life, in which I believe is the only road to wisdom-hood. With this, I've learned to speak slower, and listen more. Such patience did me a whole lot of good, and I feel more lovable of my self, and of others - everyday I'm learning new things, rediscovering new little things of the surroundings and myself each day, associating and disassociating, whichever that is applicable. Unlearning is also part of the process. All I want these days is practice grace, and to remember to be a better person for my family, the community as a whole, and most of all, for myself.

Indifference, Independence and Indulgence

The downfall of mankind spurn from these 3 dangers. Without check and balance, we might miss seeing these dangers that comfortably seep into our human lives, diluting our philosophies, attitude, behaviour, and completely rule our livelihood. They affect us in a wide magnitude - our generation, and generations to come. All these 3 dangers are easy to remember, as they begin with the letter "I", as in how we also name our ego, the big 'I'.

With indifference, one practises complacency, a care-free, if not care-less attitude. Not giving a toss about anything till it 'disturbs' the person personally. There's no placing of importance in the significance to neither traditions nor cultures. This in turn, seeps into one's respect for things in the environment and people, making one lack respect for all authorities that ranges from the government to bosses and from elders to parents. Hence, making no strong stance for anything, even from correcting wrongs from right, or injustice to justice etc.

The next escalating danger to indifference is independence. An independence from God's Will, in where one thinks that he / she has a better plan and a better idea of what's good for oneself. There's no counting of blessings, but tons of cursing of God for things that did not work out. When there's good fortune aplenty, Godliness falls out out of one's decision-making as one becomes his / her own God in all dealings - Godlessness. The main danger in this is when one becomes ungrateful and pays no tribute to God's providence in blessing one, and one feels deserving due to one's 'good works' or 'hard works'. It's funny how God works in His Will, where we represent each jigsaw piece to contribute to God's big picture. From this viewpoint, independence from God is out of the picture.

What tops the list in amongst the 3 dangers is Indulgence. All these come in the form of different types of temptations, that teases our minds and coax us into taking the actions of sin. Hence, depending on our 5 senses do not always bring us glory nor wisdom but cheap experience. Not all experiences are cheap, as some lead to the formation of wisdom. However, experiencing is not enough in making an all-rounded wise decision, Godly wisdom is needed at the end of the day. When we indulge, we are become unaware of the consequences of sin, as we just head towards satisfying our need in satiating our desires there and then. May it be temptations through the taste (i.e. gluttony etc), the sight (i.e. lusting etc), the touch (i.e. earthly pleasures to the skin), the hearing (i.e. lewd things / lies etc) or the smell (i.e. associated with lust or earthly pleasures again etc). Altogether, these can be very secular, and can be very unGodly.

None of us can say that we've never been guilty of any of the 3 'I's one way or another. Obedience to God seem to be a hard task as we need to forego so many earthly pleasures that can be so tempting. All the 3 'I's offer earthly satisfaction, as it gives us the will of being our own God over our own selves. Are we truly happy and satisfied at the end of the day? This is really a question that we need to address for ourselves.

Learning from losses

I've lost numerous things, opportunities and loved ones in my life. It took me a while to count my blessings and realise that I've gained in different ways from such losses. There's hardly a successful 'lost and found' story that is significant enough for me to share, ever.

Though there's acceptance and peace rituals that I've made over time over the losses, but the memory of the experience will never be forgotten. As overwhelming as they can be, some of these losses shook me so hard that it rattled my bones and loosen my teeth... and some that shrunk me even - loss of appetite, being wrung dry of tears etc. It was never gentle. How not to learn lessons from them all unique losses?

Yet, such losses are not adversities in vain. Every loss bears it's significant mark, and dog-eared the pages of my journey on earth thus far. Each loss has a story, and each story has it's morale, and each morale has a fate tagged behind it. Acceptance is the key in most, but a little fight in some I too, took up.

My sensitivity has opened up more with each loss. I have become more aware of my surroundings - people, things, opportunities and most of all, life as a whole. I feel that I'm living a life, a life that's never lack of emotions. Surely there'll be lots of stories to tell and to write about when the time is right.

Though the little moments of grief entails when a loss is fresh - I'm sure a short moment of silence and grieving at such instances are allowed. Though each loss changed me a little, with their added values in vigilance, being more careful and everything else that I could do within my humane capacity to pacify my gnawing 'why me?', but there were too, times when I am forced to let go and allow things to be at loss, in hope that it will one day, return to me. So in a way, a change sometimes has helped me to outgrow a past.

Outgrowing a past may be a little harshly worded, so, let's reword it to 'letting go' instead. Losses comes in all forms and amongst the few are of 'losing' things, people, and opportunities alike. Reminiscing all these, I've learned that I've become the way I am today through losses and gains. I'm sure this is familiar to all, and I'm not alone in thinking this.

This is turn, made me ponder further to 'guilt' that's linked to losses. Too many people, including myself are guilty of losses... and sometimes angered and irritated first before adapting to the voidness of a loss. It's almost like a feeling of being prematurely cheated or short-changed that led to losing anything - unintentionally or forced. No doubt it's seen as a daunting experience at the beginning, and for a while, it becomes a setback or emotional blow, depending on what had been lost. The only way to get over it is to give up, and move on - right, easier said than done. Sometimes, we'd think to ourselves, rather than remaining faithful to what has have had been lost, we cheaply resign to fate - What's not yours, will never be yours. Or rather, in a Christian way of thinking - It's not in God's Will.

We have two choices to overcome a loss, if applicable to anything - to either look at what remains and be appreciative of what remains, or to build up a case in a quest to find what had been lost. The investigation job is stressful, and could lead to other complications. So, do a check and balance and know when to stop. The danger to the latter is also that we have the danger of focusing bitterly on what has been lost. In doing so, we often become cynical and lack appreciation to 'what's meant to be'. However, the world sees that victory and satisfaction belong to those who do not choose the path of least resistance when faced with major life challenges, somehow or rather. Then again, resigning to fate also has it's good for our psyche and it really depends on what has been lost - worthy to be fought for or not... or is there a better replacement?. Yes, sometimes we make way for the new to come when the old is lost or let go. These to me, is all about living a life, dealing with different surprises... we learn and unlearn things in life through losses and gains. Don't we have a lot to learn and gain about losses?

Can't be better friends with your own kind?

I used to wonder too... hmmm... but my case is backed up with unsavoury experiences with my own kind in West Malaysia, and that's the Malaysian Chinese! Perhaps I'm still the same ol' small town girl who is bred and raised in Sabah. Or... perhaps what one of my old University friend said is true, 'There are no real friends after the age of 18'. He could be correct, as I left Sabah at the age of 19, and only went back home for short spurts of visits.

Over the many years of hearing those negative words of friendship, 'There are no real friends after the age of 18', I was still holding on to my ol' notion that 'it depends on the individual'. True enough, there are a few very good Chinese Malaysian friends amongst the majority of stinky ones that I've come across. These friends are staying in my heart for life!

To date, I have more Malay and Indian friends than Malaysian Chinese ones, as they have more 'milk of human kindness' in comparison. I wouldn't say that all Chinese stinks as I've proven to myself that they are quite a few that are worth my while and are not toxic friends. Somehow, there's still a larger majority of those who are too calculative to be good friends with, eventhough I'm still friendly and polite to them.

Here I am, always being generous with friends when they need favours etc, but when it's my turn to ask for a favour, it seems that the Malays and the Indians are more willing to help me than the Chinese ones. If you're talking about betrayal of friendship and when you need them the most... they turn their backs on you... but more so of my kind of race, sadly. So, how not to treasure the different races more if my experiences headed and are still heading that way?

Malay and Indian friends alike have brought this up before, "Hey, I've noticed that you get along more with Malay and Indian people, ah?" Yes, and no. I've come across stinky-attitude and superficial Malays and Indians as well, but somehow, LESS in numbers when compared to my own kind... again!? On the contrary, 'a few' of the Malaysian Chinese would pose me this question, "How come you can get along with the Malays and Indians, ah?" It's all in the attitude, isn't it? There you go... questions from different poles! Still, the end result is that there are more 'better' friends of other races than my own kind eventhough I've tried hard. Can't be stereotyping races eventhough it's tempting to when one has bad experiences? People are people, and there are unique individuals out there, and this is still not stopping me from making friends with my own kind. They are only bad when they are proven to be in the end.

I wouldn't know how to begin my many tales of trial and error... the heartbreak, and intense hurt and shock - and still proven to be as per the above mentioned. I used to think that perhaps as an East Malaysian, I was not directly affected by the 1969 'May 13th' incident, hence less bitter and less individualistic... and more 'for my own self only' kind of mentality... perhaps to sum this up is that I could be more naive and never quite learned my lessons of the many friendship faux pas? Who knows? Whatever it is, the past should stay as the past, and each person should be treated as an individual and not lumped up with another person of the past. As a lesson to all, instead of holding grudges, one should just let go of the past and call it a 'not meant to be friends?' There's no reason for me to hold a grudge, I'd say if I go by this philosophy.

This trial and error of friendship has even come to an extent that my family thinks that I am a bad reader of characters, as I have so many friends who have double-crossed, front-stabbed and back-stabbed me. Mostly are unfortunately friends made after I was 18 years of age (there you go, my old University mate, as you could be right!). Nevertheless, my family once said, "Didn't you learn all about characters in your Psych classes? How could you misread about this and that person?". No way, my classes are not skewed towards the nature of my personality... and how I make friends? Come to think of it, there are of course, theories, but who the hell would make friends via a set of theories? Well, I deserved to be nagged by parents, as I'm so dead honest with them, and tell them almost everything... and when I get nagged, I regret telling them... but soon after, I'd forget about the nags and repeat the same cycle of telling them again! Well, that's because 'blood is thicker than water?' or rather an open communication to me! (ok, ok... that's a different skew altogether! I just wanted to say this, ok?).

So, personality-wise, maybe I'm the one who's a little 'off'? I'd rather think 'unique' hehe... but of course, I'm different, as any other person to the next. I'm of a different make-up pool of genes from my set of parents and heritage. Then again, a lot of my Sabahan and Sarawakian friends are like me as well? That's it, we're a different breed altogether! Nope, not the ones that live on the tree, but the ones who are more small-town and naive in nature? Perhaps all of us are that way?

Whatever it is, being kind and good to others still top the list... and that's a good approach not only in a Christian manner, but also of all religious manner? I just can't adopt that 'berkira' (calculative) behaviour of how much I give is how much a reap kind of thing. In one's lifetime, if one wants to do such kinds of balance sheet, there's just no true meaning of friendship. Indeed, indeed... I am sorry for those who have never tasted the sweet meaning of true friendship, your own kind or whatever kind there is out there.

Expensive petrol!

With three petrol price hike within the past 12 months, I just find such extra expenses too damn much to bear! It now costs a whopping RM70 for a full tank instead of the RM60. Worse still, I've yet to get over a RM60 worth for a full tank, and now the damn petrol price has gone up again?

I remember when I first began working in 1998, a full tank costs me RM35, and my drawn salary was then half of what I have today. Today, petrol price has doubled....seems like, I'm back to square one again. The price for everything will tag on this petrol rise... so, all goods and services will increase from now on except for salaries!

I had to laugh cynically when I read that the govt has promised to not raise petrol prices for at least another year. The other statement that I read before this was that Malaysians pay the lowest price for petrol. Hell... our salaries are much lower than those who earn foreign western currencies in their home countries!! Of course proportion-wise, they pay more for their goods and services. It's value for money, isn't it? It's all in the lifestyle. How can we compare to US / European petrol prices... Malaysians should pay less, and the govt should subsidise more afterall, since we earn just a fraction of what those foreign dudes earn! Seems like I'm not left with any choice but to accept the petrol price as it is... I'll just have to be really frugal from now on, else there won't be any money saved up for my rainy days *sigh*

Talking about money and salaries... I just go cross-eyed every time Papa asks me where did all my money go since I earn twice of what he used to earn in the past. He's thinking that I should have a really fat bank account now. To add more injury to my wound, Papa even quipped that he even managed to save up apart from putting clothes on our back and food on the table... and also save enough to send bro and I overseas to pursue our tertiary studies with half of his earnings. Ouch!

Anyway, it's the KL lifestyle in the end... a lot of money go into entertainment and conveniences of a city lifestyle. Moreover, with the rate of pricing of everything going up at the moment (thanks to inflation!), I don't think I could even afford to feed a little tyke if I ever have one and earning what I'm earning now, let alone saving up for a tyke's tertiary studies! Damn!!!!!!!!! This is depressing...