Inquisitive creatures that we are...

Healthy are those who ask, as they are willing to learn; Blessed are those who seek, as they shall find.

Day after day, we form little questions in our heads, asking away because we want to know. Sometimes we ask interesting questions that will never have answers. Sometimes, we adamantly and relentlessly pepper questions just to get to the bottom of things. Sometimes, our questions are answered, and at times, not. We ask all sorts to quench our inquisitiveness.

Inquisitiveness sometimes do not always bring about the best, as answers we get or do not get may not quench our thirst of knowing. It is first of all, unhealthy to be obsessed over matters that do not really matter.

For many of us, we believe in fate, destiny, and for most Christians, God's Will. In different situations, we'd trigger off our questioning button, sometimes just for the sake of 'seeing' what the other party would say, and sometimes to genuinely know about things, and in some occasion, just to be nosy. When should we stop being inquisitive then?

I remember a friend of mine, who had a hard time trying to find out all about octopuses. Reason being, his 6-year-old daughter was peppering him questions on octopuses... "Daddy, does octopuses have a heart? Do they bleed like us? Are their blood red like ours?" bla bla bla... you get the drift. Adults that we are today, but we can still be like this 6-year-old. We sometimes get obsessive with our questioning, especially the women specie (girls, please don't bash me up on this, I'm just trying to be fair and not fit into the stereotype) . I too, know of some men who are that way as well, just that they are quicker at forming a judgement at the end of the day without consensus, or just shrug thing off (grrr! See, girls, I told you I'm still on your side!).

Anyway, I'm going to refer to the Bible again. I believe that sometimes, questioning may or can sidetrack us from our faith. We need to be more gracious in addressing things, and how we question things by living in the light. Yes, living in the light in terms of living a clean, holy life . Well, Let's look at the scriptures, the words that God spoke to Moses to His people are true for us today, the 10 commandments and also many other scriptures in the Bible. For me, I want to be obedient and disciplined all the time (I succeeded most of the time, of not all of it at most times), and basically just stick to knowing God and His Will for is, as all is being spelt out in the Bible. The Bible to me, is a revelation of life. I can vouch for that as I have read so many scriptures that hits nails right into my head at different times of needs.

So, as inquisitive as we can be, and with child-like innocence that we may possess, we need to look forward positively and live to understand God's all-seeing wisdom. Our inquisitiveness should be lined with God's wisdom, with appropriate questions for the ripe moments, and well-thought line of questioning that will not bleed others' hearts. Through wisdom, we question and/or are questioned in order to grow. In believing that God wants us to be in every situation is the key, as that will only make us grow to be better persons for the morrow. There's no big open question on where we'll end up at the end of the day. It's not going to be an easy route to take, by trusting blindly, but I believe that happy are those who seek positiveness in life and not be doubtful of God's promises, as they shall find happiness - inquisitively happy.

Equality & Compatibility

All that strive on equality and compability havr not only made friends and families drift apart, but also turned the roles of men and women topsy turvy these days. Let's leave gender out of this discussion first and address the general cause and effects that are linked to these two words.

Should we become battling axes in getting all that we want, and all the time? When do we give in? Everyday we deal with inequality and incompability, and because we want long-lasting peace and a job done, we compromise or team-work to work things out for the better. It's easier said than done when we say that we 'just walk away' and shove everything aside because we find a lack of natural affinity and possess eyes that are quick to measure what is justice. Who's the judge over man at the end of the day? I'll leave that question to you.

The world would be in perfect tip-top condition if everyone gets his/her own ways all the time, and yet live in unity and in harmony amongst others or loved ones. We will never find compability in everything and everyone we deal with, but through agreeing to disagree, and disagreeing to agree, we may come to a communion in maintaining peace and respect for different personalities and their quirks.

So, how do we gauge in what's equal or unequal, or what is compatible and uncompatible in life? We usually fall back on our priciples, and positions and ideologies to gauge all these. By using these variants as our little yard sticks in measuring, sometimes we fall short of grace in accepting the fact that it takes different people from different walks of life to make the world go round. What does not fill in the gap for communion amongst those and things that we dislike, our solution is to stay away.

However, that's not the case as long as each of us have our very own natural affinities tailored to our personalities and cultures / sub-cultures. This makes each one of us very different from one another. Everyone possess natural affinities. We all naturally have likes and dislikes because we are spoiled by choices, and we exercise our choices. Living in this mixed-bag-of-a-world, do we still need to further complicate things by allowing our likes and dislikes to rule our lives?

Flawed beings that we are... I've said many a times to my beau that I'm tired of being 'nice', and I do not want to be nice unnecessarily, because I will still be nice eventhough I do not wish to. He thinks that I'm feeling this because my efforts and niceties were not reciprocated. So, I continued mulling and chewing over this, and finally came to a conclusion today when I was reading a short article on 'incompatible'. I should always have the compassion for people and work towards a better communion by not letting likes and dislikes rule and change me.

Yes, I have been tempted to be bitter over all these many times over the years and especially of this year. I kept saying 'enough is enough', and is ready at any time to just dust the sand off my feet and walk on. All that before, I'm willing to let it go and turn my back to, as I see only wasted efforts that I've so painstakingly contributed to just have a communion with all big and small like, in my life. Time and again, I kept seeing such as injustice that has foundations of inequality and incompabilities in them.

Humbled by the article, I now allow my compassion to resurface, and put in my thinking and feelings to a more appropriate position in life. Equality and compatibility has to be dealt by grace, and I just have to cut people some slack for better communion.

Tempted to be bitter...

3:30a.m. in the morning, that's what the clock reads. There's lots of electricity going on in my head tonight, stopping me from sleep, I am oppressed, or perhaps just devils within me.

I prayed endlessly, crying away and reading the Bible to calm my emotions. My body is breaking and screaming for sleep, but sleep never came. I felt between worlds, between the waking and the dead, it was a weird feeling. There's no hope, just darkness. The palpitations in my heart are as quick-paced as birds flapping their wings, I curled up in a foetus position, with clenched fists.

Images after images are forming in my head, a movie in my head, all of horror, and pain. The words said in them make me cringe too... all are ugly. Very ugly things, unbefitting of the heavenly significance. The ugliness all involve the people I love in my life, I shiver in my bed disillusioned on whether they are real or they are just images from a nightmare. I'm lost in time.

There are images of the past, images of the current, images of the fear of the future... ugly... so ugly... indescribeable, inhumane. This must be a brink of insanity, it's poisoning my blood and tempting me to be bitter with everything in my life. Taking the best out of me, making me feel unworthy of love, grace and mercy. It's pushing me into the pits of self-pity. It scares me so.

I've not had these since I was about to leave evil corporation that I used to work in 2002. I was too, at that time, tempted to be bitter with life. There was no sight of God, I felt abandoned. Angeline and I had to bless the house that night, we prayed hard, we spoke in tongues that night. It was a strange night, but the spirit of oppression left. Many Malay colleagues stayed away from me for days, I remember, I had massive migraines, I was angry, feeling sad, and politics at work were at it's height, I was victimised, deeply pained. After the blessing of the house, we felt air rushing out of the house... leaving a light, sweet breeze within. The morning brought about a sense of peace, and many Malay colleagues started telling me that 'the thing has left me', as they see it following me closely... they saw the spirit, but they couldn't tell me, as it could transfer to them.

Before evil corporation, the last encounter was back in 1986, when grandpa passed away. On the 3rd day of his death, I met an accident that almost robbed me of my life. Not dying that day was a miracle, doctors and nurses and policemen couldn't believe that I survived. Not when the car dragged for 30 feet. How I ended up in the backseat of the car, was another great story... unbelievable. I still bear scars to this day. My arm, a constant reminder, the numbness in my broken bones, a rain indicator... The night after my operation, I saw grandpa standing beside my bed when I was half sedated, I was scared. He was in the exact funeral clothes that I last saw before we closed the lid. I knew that there is no way the dead could come back like that, I denounced the spirit. It went away. When it went, the person next to my bed died. Wailing sounds filled the room, my father, telepathic that he seemed to be, arrived at that dot. Papa spent the night there on the chair after we solemnly see the nurses and dressers wheel the dead out. I shared a room with a cancer stricken lady. You see, I do not have much love for my grandfather, who made me feel worthless because I was born a daughter to my parents. Perhaps my complex to this day, stems from him. I have my share of bitterness against him. Still, at his death, I cried, and I had to train myself to forgive him. Superstitious relatives came round to say that 'grandpa' saved me, some said, 'grandpa almost killed you because you loved you the least'... how bitter that felt.

Another encounter was at Mount Kinabalu, I brought 10 friends back to Sabah to climb the mountain. When we were halfway of the journey (the restplace) , we were to sleep for a good 6 hours before we wake up to continue the climb at 2am. I couldn't make it, I had an attack of migraine, so the rest went ahead without me. I stayed back in the cabin, desserted, and everyone climbing up. There, I felt it again... another spirit of oppression, the steps on the roof, the scratching behind me, a breathing sound. It was the scariest night ever, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I tried very hard to... finally I screamed 'Jesus'... it went away right before I could hear myself say that. Freaky, isn't it?

I buck up with a during those nights in encounter with spirits. I feel no sweat, and the air-conditioning seems eerily cold for some reason - the feelings were identical. Somehow, tonight was different, I know I was awake and couldn't sleep, and the evil spirit was only disturbing my thoughts but could not press me down physically like it used to. You can tell it's not a nightmare, as nightmares leaves you in sweat... It all stemmed from moments that I am close to God, in committing to God... without fail, ugly things always follow after that, endless. I know this time round, I'm stronger. I think I'm more refined in serving God now that I was in the past.

I have been praying fervently of late and even more so when I was broken by personal experiences in my family and love life. I felt a burst of energy, as in commanding power in rebuking unclean spirits, even when I feel weak at times. I could still reach out for the strength of not my might but of God within all these weaknesses. As much calmness that has swept me off my feet, there is also a waging spiritual war within and around me. It's not in my head, it's not my imagination, I've been there before, I smell the familiarity. I feared it once, and I ran away, I came back and ran again... now I'm back again, because it's the calling of God is so strong these days. The signs were obvious, the words that comes to head that staggers in midway. Words of Wisdom cutting through the midst of my thoughts, like someone's speaking to my head. Sounds like a hallucination, but it's not! I swear! The telepathies from my sister and Mag when I tip over to be tempted to be bitter towards God, and my phone rings.

To soothe myself tonight, and to not fall out of grace into the backsliding ways into lukewarmdom like I used to, I started singing hymns in my head. I have failed the Refiner's fire many times because I've run. Hiding my face from God for years, but resurface again whenever I'm in need to be saved. I read the Bible again, reading and reading and tears streaming down my face, I flipped the pages, and everything seemed to be about my life, my past and current. It was so apt! When I feel wretched at reading the sins of man, I start crying, and when I flip to the next page in random, they are words of comfort in the promise of God's providence and His faithfulness in never abandoning His children.

I came here to blog after a lengthy prayer. It's 4:20a.m. now. Sleep, I must now. Fear, I must not. My faith is once again tested, I must not waver! Go to hell, Satan, that's where you belong!

********************

The morning has arrived, I slept well right after denouncing the devil. The images went away, the words went away after I prayed. I'm now re-editing my writing at this monent, in continuation of last night's experience. When I closed the blog last night, I layed my hands on the walls (taking turns) of the room, the doors and windows, praying aloud, asking God to coat the house in the blood of the lamb, and denouncing and purging the evil one from the room and the house. I know there are spirits in my room last night. It's an oppression so deep, several are there... pushing me into depression. I'm under the Refiner's fire, first the emotional upheavals weeks ago, and now, the spiritual.

I have already invited the spiritual warfare into my life, scary isn't it? The road to being God's tool is never easy, but it's all worthy. How the devil fights to keep God's tools and soldiers from completing tasks will always be there. The devil is attacking me in all my weakest areas, through my family, through my love life. So much pain I have endured in 2004. I know what I'm in for, Lord, do not abandon me in my hour of need. Hear my cry for help, because I fear now... I don't want to run anymore like I used to. The material didn't fulfill that part in my where only the Holy Spirit could feel. I cannot rely on my human strength alone, I need to share my burden, oh Lord, please!

The Daily Bread for today reads, "When God Thunders", taken from Psalm 81:6-10, these verses reminds us whenever we cry out to God in our sorrows and distress, we may not hear the 'thunder roll', but it will reverberate through the heavens once again as He answers us "in the secret place of thunder". With this, I know for sure that God will speak comfort to my heart and deliver me from my fears.

Water and Fire have No Mercy

I'm saddened by the news of the Tsunami that has claimed many, many innocent lives. Not one shore that the Indian Ocean touches is spared. Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Indonesia, Malaysia... and many remote islands that may have lives on it.... The death is still amounting, and I believe, there are many more deaths that is unaccountable for.

I'm seated at the edge of my seat, saying a prayer every now and then, making my very own personal troubles, a whimsical twist and utmost insignificant and pales drastically by comparison. It shames me to think that I have troubles after hearing this.

Just being with Winnie last night was enough to break my heart. She was all in tears late last night, as a group of her colleagues and friends have flown into Phuket two nights ago for a little party at the beach side. They are only due back to their offices at the end of this week. All her frantic calls to reach either one of them was futile. We are playing the waiting game now, not knowing what to think - great fear engulfed our senses - we fear to hear the worse, and yet we hope to hear from them. I don't know any of her friends or colleagues, but I felt the burden. I cannot imagine the magnitude of the pain for those of the immediate family. It's indescribeable. Still, we have not given up hope yet.

I've frowned half the day away, thinking about this... not knowing what else to think but to share this burden with God through prayers. I believe, everyone in the world is saddened, if not angered by this epidemic, and I hope they have an outlet to share their burden too, an outlet that would not claim any more lives than it already had.

Many will say that God is blind to allow such an epidemic to take place, and I fear of such 'fire' that will be tried on me or on anyone for that matter. The fear of losing more than what any one of us could bear, like the losses that Job encountered. Russell, John and I also spoke of this yesterday too - on not lose any more than we can bear to break us onto our knees to acknowledge that God is in charge. God gives many signs to each individual in their lifetime, atuned to our ears and our eyes alone ... administered in ways that we ourselves alone, understand. Sometimes, we choose denial, and sometimes we acknowledge, we are just atuned to ourselves, our needs and our ways. How stubborn!

God gives His Salvation for free, we have the choice to either tune off, or just want things our way by ignoring the calling at times - the ways of the world is so tempting, yet we are never fully fulfilled. It seems like there's a vessel within ourselves, that is just shaped for God to fit in, and no other things in any form could fit that vessel, except for the Holy Spirit. We are tried from a higher flame of fire to the next till we submit to this acknowledgement. In the Refiner's crucible we are all at... and it's out of God's love, He never gave up on us, neither did He allow us to go through pain beyond our endurance, or let us slip into the dark side. I'm looking at this, with new eyes, a renewed heart and mind, that being tried by fire and soaked in cold water in God's care is of God's grace, and not a curse.

Tsunami, in the form of water, treacherous, unexpected, stole so many lives at this time. IT's even said that there'll be a second occurence in the next couple of days. In Malaysia, all people who believe in Feng Shui are buzzing with what Lilian too last spoke, about 2005 being swamped by epidemics stemming from Earthquakes and Floods. "It's not even 2005 yet!!! How many more of these are coming!!!", belows one of my colleagues this morning. I looked at him, my eyes round like saucers.

Even great floods, at any point of the earth, had too, usurped the lives out of many places. Bush fires and infernos as other forms of epidemics too, had claimed many lives over the course of the centuries. Truly, the physical bodies of water and fire have no mercy. Likewise, the devil, is just as merciless in stealing our souls and causing all sorts to make us fall further away from God's grace. God allows this for us to mature and be stronger soldiers for Christ, in knowing the differences, in having the experience in dealing with higher levels of things after passing each trial. God also protects us from not allowing the devil to go beyond, in claiming our lives. God is all-seeing, all-caring, and all-knowing - the spiritual warfare is waging. One way or the other, we are tools for God, and perhaps, the death of these people should not be looked upon as so negatively as in our human understanding. There's a reason, a reason that we in our human ways, cannot comprehend yet. I've written this down in the tablet of my heart, I want to ask God of this. I too, felt the injustice and the pain that this has to happen, why? Still, I'm submitting, and humbly seek God's wisdom, because He knows better than I do, and in time to come, I will too, understand.

Still, in the course of this life on earth, we will never understand why epidemics have to occur, but God truly has His reasons. It's best not to analyse and try to play God in pointing our fingers and making judgements. This is the time that the devil rears it's ugly head, in recruiting for more to be on his dark side. Negativity, hatred, shunning God, all sorts of creative ways will be injected to complete the picture of making God an emotionless, cruel liar that takes lives for fun.

Let's reflect this on ourselves, our lives, and how we have lived it. Are we epidemic-proof? Are we fully letting God be in charge of our lives, and by first submitting to obedience? Even to the extent of treating our bodies as the temple of God? Are we living in God's words with joy and not behaving like a pharisee who's all talk but no actions? Are we only Christians bound to the pew, or we are walking Evangelitics through our actions and daily lives? It's not a talent-time show. There's no race in this. It's our very own competition within ourselves, and not against anyone else out there. Are we to be clad in the Believer's armour (Ephesians 6: 16-17) at all times - in full Commitment to God. It's time, at least I could say this to myself, I've shunned it for years, afraid to take up my stand and stood by God's side. I was afraid of the responsibilites then, now I am no longer.

Clad in this armour, we will not fear the first death, as there's the promise of eternal life. There will be constant spiritual warfare to tempt us in falling into sin. Mortal sins in the form of immoral doings, deceit, luke-warmth faith robs us of our eternal life, hence, resulting in a second death. Hence, God's splashes of cold water on us, and his flame administered to us in the crucible, to remind us, and help us to be on our toes to repent, and to be obedient. There is no room for being a lukewarm Christian anymore, we are reminded in the scriptures to be actively partaking in serving God in our vocations in life.

He still has mercy and grace for us to repent in this lifetime, before our first death that will determine how our second death will be like. A choice of eternal life, or eternal death? Read the book of Revelations Chapter 2 & Revelations Chapter 20.

Swept off my feet by coincidence?

I think not, as nothing is left to chances. I don't believe in sheer luck, nor do I believe in coincidences. I believe in pre-destiny, fate, and blessings in life, and most of all God's Will - His loving plan for all of us, individually.

Boxing day brought about my 3rd visit to the church in a row. Believe it or not, this has to do with the symbolic use of the number 3 in scripture. Three is the number which is used to represent things which are "spiritual" in nature. For example, the Holy Trinity is in '3'; at the 3rd crow of the rooster, Peter will deny Jesus; Jesus was tempted 3 times to see if he would succumb "spiritually" to the temptations of the Devil; Jesus rose on the 3rd day after He died on the cross (I hope some of this is making sense). Think of all the events in the life of Christ which took place in series of 3's or dealt with the number 3 in some way. So, the number 3 has to do with the spiritual nature of Jesus. Of course, there are other numbers to consider, Biblically (read this). Numbers are symbolic.

I'm far from being superstitious, but listening to a sermon on 'the Return of the King' in it's signifance of the Holy Trinity from birth to His death on the cross and resurrection + the after effects and the affects in man's hearts and lives + actions.... bumping into old friends in 3s, and forming a prayer meeting at 3pm that afternoon... completely strike out any formation of coincidental occurences. There's something really significant about the number '3' in Russell's, John's and my life on that very sunday.

The year 2004 has been rough for many of us, I'm sure it's in different areas of our lives, of things that we hold dear to our hearts. Still, the pain is the same for all of us - deep, and disturbing and seemingly neverending till we submit to God.

Russell & John are my very dear friends for 15 long years, we were in the same Christian fellowship group. People look up to us, because we were the pillars, we pray for others, we could always see the light at the end of the tunnel. We had hearts so big that we truly, truly love all, including toxic friends and even forgive many dastardly things that others did to us. We even prayed for those who hurt us, in God to change them and bless them. We were disgustingly 'perfect' in human eyes. We were infallible.

Moreover, we could support each other by prayers at any moment that we feel that we are tempted by the ways of the world, or have a thread of worry in our hearts. Even to this day, we could pick up on each other's lives even when we did not meet for months and years.

It's through God, we have a foundation together. Through thick and thin, we watched each other grow up, gone through wretched years together, supported each other in our hardest times, got down on our knees to pray for one another (and together as well), even quarrelled and made up, were mean to each other (in a good way), and also criticised each other mercilessly etc. There's a bond amongst the 3 of us that cannot be broken and watered down over the years, it gets better as the years mature, even we have matured together. Friends of such are like rare jewels these days.

Let me digress a little, and tell you all about Russell and John. Russell's a Meliani, John's a Ceylonese, and I'm Chinese... we've always said that these 3 races can never meet eye to eye, but we're thrown together in this world, if I stood between these two men, we make a good 3-lined zebra crossing. Hah! Anyway, we are still made to be good friends, in spite of our silly racist jokes about our colours!

In our late teens, I went out with John, we were innocent in our dating, we never kissed, just only held hands, hugged each other, and even slept side by side and never were tempted to any carnal, physical feelings. Yet we had lots of talks about the future of having little Johns and little Angelas - even our old friends expect it, even thought we might, one day. It won't happen, we are too phileo ('friendship love' in Greek) that we completely skipped the eros ('physical love' in Greek) bits and hopped on to agape ('unconditional love' in Greek). Even to this day, some old A Levels classmate still refer me as John's Angela, and likewise John as Angela's John. There are so many Johns with John Thomases in my life, but thank God I'm never a Lady Chatterly to any of them (there's a joke somewhere, find it).

Ok, I have digressed enough. Where was I? Yes, our bumping into each other on sunday, unplanned, and not by coincidence at all. We had a long lunch together, we talked for hours. Confessions from both Russell and John that they were having a hard time in wanting to be rid of God's seed in their lives. They couldn't understand why they wanted to tell me about it. They said that they have been avoiding me, knowing that they might change their minds if they meet me. But still, something in them drove them to really see me. My heart sank when I heard that, as in a very human way, such words can really be read into as 'in wanting to call off friendship and finding each not being reliable in times of need). I squealched that, and I listened - really, really listened to their pouring.

Later, I shared with them that I too once dabbled with the idea, but somehow, the seed has been planted, and I am left with no choice but to acknowledge it. God is not letting me go, as every nook and cranny I turn, I'm reminded. I cannot be a black sheep. I have to stay pure and white at all times. In the little sheep penn I stay, chosen and subjected to pre-destiny. I cannot denounce it, I can't because I'm too wise and have tasted God's grace and mercy to denounce God in my life. Acknowledging God's presence. Likewise, Russell and John are no different from me, we hurt the same way, our areas of hurt stems from what we held closest to our human hearts. The years of hurts we have encountered, the numerous times we have stumbled, the vast frustrations we have experienced, the fury we have have enveloped, the depression that we were sucked into, we are tried to the breaking point... even our trust and faith in God stagger and at the tip of losing hope... but right before this happens, we are swept off our feet again by God's grace .... these are all refining processes as in us being 'tried by fire'. Terribly painful are these trials, but they will never destroy us, for the Refiner sits by the furnace tending the flame. God will not allow us to be tried beyond our endurance; it is for our own good - a needed growth in spiritual maturity is to be tried by fire.

The psalmist said in his sorrow, "We went through fire" (Psalm 66:12). How apt this is. We will never be afraid or stay away from heat, if we did not get burnt once by touching a hot surface, likewise, we will not learn from the significance of things around if we are not hurt. Sounds perverted, but let's look at another point - to really know love is to be hurt by love once. Though it could embitter us, but there's something to learn from everything, as there's a reason for everything that occurs in our lives.

Looking back retrospectively, stories I've read of others' trials in life, their testimonies; even those of my friends', my family's, mine all have it's different degrees and angling of painful experiences, but the magnitude of the hurt is no lesser from each. We may not understand why we have to endure such painful experiences. The ordeal seems endless and pointless. Our days are wasted, or so it seems. We feel as if we are doing nothing of lasting significance. BUT, God is doing what matters - we are being refined.

The refining processes will help us acquire patience, meekness, humility, compassion, and other "quiet" virtues our souls naturally lack. Like Job, in all his losses, frustration of being abandoned by God, or so it seems during the height of his depression, God still spoke to him. All present trials, as painful as it may be, must be remembered that everything is screened through God's wisdom and love.

I shared all these with them, that hurt must occur in our lives as a refining process, as we have to be tried by fire. I understand this, I see God's loving plan, I struggled to see it because I held on strong to God's promises at the end of the day. Though my life is never unfurled at one go in front of me, there are still many fears of the unknown in my life, but because I acknowledge that I fear, God deals with me in His time and space. People need the Lord, I need the Lord - I am weak, I acknowledge that. Everything about me, I purport strength, because that's my human shell, but even being strong this way, I still have moments of weakness. I cannot battle the weaknesses without the pillars of strength from God. Prayers strengthen these pillars in my life. I draw strength from His Word, His Grace & Mercy, His Wisdom... and most of all, the help of His Invisible hands. Trusting the Lord, and allowing Him to be in charge of our lives renew our minds, hearts and everything about us, insideout.

The 3 of us, we admittingly agreed that the first step to healing is acknowledgement of what we are - our confessing our fears, our weaknesses, our anger - all that of things that makes us lowly woodworms that are unworthy of love, hope, mercy and grace. This Christmas, the reminder of Christ's birth is significant for the 3 of us, in remembrance of our child-like faith and hope in the past when we first met 15 years' ago. We went through trials and errors, our hearts are embittered in many areas, my eyes have filtered out the many drippings of grace. We are our own making of droppings of disgrace.

Unanimously, we agreed to have a weekly prayer meeting together like we used to back in our college days. Who else did we call? Another trusting old friend, Chu San. Chu San's prayers are always powerful. John always believed that so are mine, since I come from the missionary lineage like Chu San. In that very prayer meeting, I once again loosen my tongue in public praying - I am back to my old days - I was exactly that way more than 10 years ago. I used to pray for many, I don't know how and where did I stuff up to be struggling in the past 10 years, juggling between using my strength and manipulated God's help whenever I cannot handle - I wasn't 100% trusting and letting God take charge all the way. It's no wonder why Christ in all His holiness and immaculate birth took only 40 days' to be lost in the wilderness, and I the sinner, took 10 years. I was very human, I was very flawed, though I live by justice and could never extract the seed of God passed down by my ancestors, not of my choice, but by heritage. Today, God's blessings are still flowed into my life, because of my parents' prayers, my sisters', and grandparents, my greatgrandparents, and so forth. A thousand years is like a day to the Lord, and a day is like a thousand years to the Lord too - God is timeless (2 Peter . God is good, I was given a 100th fold of time to repent, and to be on my knees.

It was the sweetest homecoming ever, a breakthrough, I believe. John, with all his macho demeanor had tears streaming down his face, Russell was sniffling away (he gave some excuse that he had a sudden attack of sinus), but we all understood each other's hearts and desires in life. Neil, another old friend, drove all the way to join the prayer meeting, he was almost telepathic to our calling. Coincidence? No way. Chu San lead in prayer, continuously we had a chain prayer from Neil, and then me and they the cycle repeatedly went on that way - 3s again!

So, coincidence in linking and probably muddling all these together, I think not. I see the connectivity in all that has occured, domino effect in affecting even those around me. Everything made sense. Us '3', knew that our meeting up on Sunday is no coincidence, it was part of God's plan in uplifting us - it's time for the fellowship of man. It's not about pacifying the psyche in putting a reason behind the happenings and hurts in life, or some modern day counselling that eases the mind for a tad bit of time - we're talking about coming back to our feet despite us thinking that we have fallen out of grace. John and Russell confessed that they would not have gone for a prayer meeting and would have denounced God that night if they have not met up with me. I was not the Saviour, I was a tool for God in that day. I couldn't be a useful tool if I did not go through the mill that I went through in year 2004. There are little miracles in life... I felt it, I experienced it, I'm humbled by it all. The fulfillment came in the sense of calmness sweeping me off my feet. It's God's love that has swept me off my feet. That is truly, not coincidental.

Christmas with Papa & Mama

... is fabulous! Let me think.... it's been 10 years since I've last spent Christmas with my parents!! I remember very well that it was back in 1994 when I went back to Sabah for a week before I scurried off again to KL on the boxing day, and boarded the plane again on 31st December to be in the great big America on the 1st January 1995!! It wasn't much of a Christmas then, Papa and Mama were rather sad that they were preparing to send another child - far, far away. That Christmas night of 1994, will always be remembered... as my parents asked me to play old hymns on the piano; hymns that are usually played during funerals of sending someone far away and to be watched over by God. It was morbid, yet there's reassurance. It was a teary Christmas, yet a sweet tradition of my parents' love for their children. It did make me feel that I will never see them again, but at the same time, I was also filled with hope that I will see them soon as well. It's a funny mix, but there's a sense of tranquility that night - a silent night, holy night.

Time flew, and 10 years have since passed us by. We're all still alive, Amen! Though all the 3 siblings are never together at one time with our parents. This Christmas, we did nothing special, but seeing each other is 'special' enough. We're happy at all times, reading the newspapers, watching TV and having dinner together... just like old times. Days ago, we celebrated Dad's 72nd birthday, and also Mom & Dad's 40th Wedding Anniversary. Both celebrations were a family thing, the only outsider is a to-be-insider - bro's girlfriend, a very much looked-upon future daughter-in-law of my parents'.

On the Christmas Eve, we were just hanging around each other, and also we had a guest... a plumber in the house! Of all days, the plumber decided to arrive on the Eve of Christmas, renovating and fixing our toilets and kitchen piping system. The toilet flush in my bedroom is finally in good working order once again, Yay!

We had a really late dinner that Eve's night, together with our unexpected dinner guest - the plumber! Interesting folks that we are, the plumber even finds it strange that he gets invited for a dinner eventhough we are paying him for his works! Well, that's us Sabahans - our hospitality cannot be found anywhere else in West Malaysia, or perhaps anywhere in the world. Everything went well, and I lapped up dinner faster than the rest, and couped myself up in the room again - a moment of silence, a silent meditation, and whispering my prayers loud enough for my ears. I did an idiosyncratic thing, like I used to when I was a small child... especially when I'm praying for others. That night, I was saying a few words to my darling, in the form of a prayer via the good Lord, hoping in telepathy (if there's any), he'll feel he's being prayed on behalf, or even hear me all the way in Greece! No joke, I really wished that. Oh well, prayers are powerful, they change lives, and they certainly did mine!

Right, hours went by in spending my quiet time, and I was playing old hymns on the stereo (not even Christmas ones!) in the background. I eventually moved on to reading my Daily Bread, and Papa came in and sat at the edge of the bed. He looked around, and was glad that he found me reading what he believed as 'proper reading' instead of my old habits of reading historical romances. I've ditched historical romances more than 10 years ago, finding more excitement in real romances.

So, back to Papa, he sat on my bed, and then I looked at him from the corner of my eyes, and saw him lie down near my feet, with his eyes closed and a serene smile pasted on his face, listening and humming to the traditional hymns being played on the stereo in my room. While Mom zipped in and out of the room busying herself with washing this and that (there's just so much to wash, I couldn't keep track with all her washing!). In the midst of my reading, I could hear Mom singing, her voice blending into hymns whenever she pops through my bedroom door. Such was the scene on Christmas eve last night. We do appear to be a funny lot... like an ex-boyfriend described my family - A traditional Chinese family with a Western religion. How apt, and I guess that's us.

We grew up on having a Christmas Eve 'special' rice congee - concoction of cubed pork shoulder, century eggs, scallops & chinese oysters, and before we have our congee, we'll pray a lengthy prayer for the year and for the future. All the 5 of us would be seated together like the story in Goldilocks and the three bears, just we have another two cubs in our family and no interfering Goldilocks, and a big prayer before we start our meal.

It's all sweet, in a way, eating together and saying a prayer together before the piping hot Christmas meal in front of us. This year, we're all missing my parents' eldest, who is also bro's and my only sister, Agnes. Agnes is the apple of my parents' eyes, while bro is their only son, and I don't know where I fit in - they've always found me a mystery. Anyway, let's not digress... Somehow, my Mom didn't want to cook the congee this Christmas, reason being, 'Agnes is not here, hence, the family is not complete'. We went along with that, in respect, and in understanding - no envy, no disappointment, no squabble.

Still, Christmas of 2004, it's a little different from the past Christmases. No turkeys made by myself this time, but I pre-ordered one from Cafe Melise for Christmas Dinner! My usual Christmas party for friends is strike off, and I suppose it's time for just the family. It's a good change, my soul has come home to a real Christmas at last :).

Gentleness and Meek Humility

In this fallen world, gentleness and meek humility have dwindled into nothingness, if not, almost forgotten. For those who still possess them, they are seen as doormats or losers. Most of them do not have fat accounts to boast about, nor are they prominent figures in the society of the rich and famous.

It's not that they did not pursue successes in life, or lack ambition. They are just more balanced in using their gifts of feeling and thinking in every situation. They do not succumb to ruthless bull-dozing to get what they want all the time. They persevere, have faith, and filled with hope and grace, as they believe in greater rewards in life. Rewards that include the building relationships with others, in being considerate to others, in giving random acts of kindness, in deep understanding and respect for mercy and grace even for the undeserving.

Afterall, what's the hot pursuit in succeeding in life all about? Little do many realise or just choose to ignore, how important it is to have the milk of human kindness in every aspect of life. There is more joy in giving than receiving at the end of the day. It is a contributing factor to sustaining happiness and contentment in all positions in life. Though some misuse this to their advantage, by asking perverted the act of giving, by expecting others to return in due course.

The words, 'gentleness' and 'meek humility' should not be negated, but to be seen in a positive light. It's where feelings of people are taken into consideration through genuine actions taken in deep-thought before the arrival of the decision-making processes. It's not a religious thing, it's the element of compassion for people, and the almost-forgotten glue to all relationships.

To have kindness, one must understand and utilise the gift of feeling and thinking. Too often a time, people have squealched their feelings, leaving themselves numbed, suppressed and submerged so that the 'thinking' mind surfaces to deal with various situations ranging from decision making or undoing a decision. Such are the secular ways of the world where the vicious cycle of the hurt will administer to the next group of hurt... making the world a bleak, hopeless, and cold place to live in. Cold hard cash and the play of power is the oil to the hinges of doors to opportunity, it births it's own language and illusionary vision to manufacture temporary happiness. It's unquenchable needs require constant feeding. Each time, in larger doses, completely milking a person dry of emotions.

Many who practise by, or administer such, are recipients of hurt themselves or once were in that position. It only takes their own permission, to allow such thinking and ideologies to rule their lives. Little do they know themselves; they do not listen to the screaming voice within to be nurtured, to feel a little love, to feel a little appreciation and respect.

Ignoring the voice within, killing the 'self' in the pursuit for success, many do not even find time to know their real selves better. Sometimes not even feeling or thinking, they face life in denial, thinking that it's easier to deal with things that way. Their emotions run wild, while thinking halts the processes, but by ramming head-on, they become comfortable doers - in self-denial, a form of death.

To learn about the self, there is constant checking and balancing processes with the outside world and the self, in which one minimises gaffes. Pausing to feel and think of one's position in life, gauging what is missing and or what has exceeded before the tongue slips and actions blunder. The rat race to surviving doesn't pave a clear and bright pathway, but to just aim in the head to rush to the end line. It's a race that has completely left many with broken hearts and endless soul-searching, a defeat.

A little gentleness and meek humility comes a long way. Sometimes, it's overlooked since the world is so harsh and calculative. The ways of the world needn't get into us, we have to continue to seek God's wisdom and His loving plan for us to fit into His Will. How will we ever arrive to see God's plans if we are so head-strong by using our worldly eyes and ears in the pretext of being street wise? Food for thoughts.

Wills and Trust Deeds

Though the Chinese have always believed that 'blood is always thicker than water', it has somehow been thinned down by modernisation and ungrateful children! Alas, materialism and all that jazz of the new age has corrupted these age-old values that many of us Anglosised Chinese still hold on dearly to this day. Most post-modern Chinese have swayed to and fro from Individualism to Culturalism, playing the loyalty game or whichever tactic or strategic that would line their pockets the quickest with $$.

Money and properties could still tempt the once-upon-a-time righteous children to break promises and not abide by their parents' wishes. Even promises given at the death bed goes unheeded and not honoured. Once the umblical cord is cut by death, the siblings denounce their siblinghood relationships, cold-bloodedly, and more ruthless than good ol' Shylock's demand for a pound of flesh. The fear of God's wrath and the return of Daddy's spirit just do not ring a bell in their heads!

The smell of hate reeks from their breaths, the cutting words spewed amongst siblings inflict internal bruises and add salt to gaping wounds. Not even the miraculous works of accupuncture or accupressure, or the bitterest of all researched western medicines could relieve it's pain or heal it. Even if there is ever healing and forgiveness, the scars are left there for good, a constant reminder of a painful experience. Such, are the seeds sown to begin a nuclear family.

It's not a tale, it's not a figment of the imagination, neither it is an exaggerated hypothetical finding! As year in and year out, we hear from the grape vine of family friends, or friends of a family friend, or whoever, would have a cheating-sibling-story. It's indeed, a sad fact these days and also of yesteryears that such things do happen. All of them stories trace back to the same dependence and absence - the absence of a Will and Trust Deed and unequal sharing of properties to children that range from more to less favourite ones, and the dependence on the Verbal promises and expectations for children to understand traditions and cultures of the forefathers.

It's pure crap, but somehow, the lesson is never learned, as every parent is so sure that their children will always be good. They look at others' problems with a bystander effect, shake their heads from left to right on 'how bad others' children are, but luckily mine are not that way', but never foresee that one day, they could suffer the same fate... a breed of bad blood in the so-believed pure line of good blood. Hence, the thought of putting things down in black and white is like forming a curse into the family, a distrust ... no parent want this 'distrust' disease that would break the unity of the family.

The writing of wills and trust deeds are probably just never a Chinese thing, as it's deemed to be a Western ideology of distrusting the next of kin. Such legal paperworks are avoided like plague as perceived as shameful to having spell out everything to someone else outside of the family, like a lawyer or a Will writer. All information is to be kept intact, and inhouse.

Whether it is out of fear in allowing others to know how much, or how little wealth there is in the family, or it's just some twisted pride in by being in denial, or perhaps out of plain foolishness, I am still left flabbergasted with the whole idea of those who do not want to write wills and trust deeds! Any suggestion from children for parents to draw legal paperworks of such are seen as a form of disrespect to parents' wishes, a lack of filiality, appreciation and consideration for their immediate lineage.

By excerpting the sea of unreasonableness of the whole madness of 'No Will, No Trust Deeds', I was stopped short of continuing, even to an extent of being verbally warned that I may risk of being disowned! All these 'words and the way of the forefathers' go without questioning, it's the rule of the thumb, it's final - halt the questioning, you're just wasting your time and energy trying to understand the logic behind it. There's just no existence of logic - just accept and absorb the 'word of the father' like a filial child... don't be a prodigal daughter!

Traditionally, sons and daughters are trained from a young age to understand that only those who will carry the surname, the lineage, the pride will inherit lands and properties. While the sons become over-indulgent with the inheritance and the expectations of being provided for, the mothers suffer the frugality of their husbands in teamed-sacrifice to give the children the best of the best. Finally, the daughters, oh the poor daughters are given a conditioned opportunity to have 'some' rights as the sons - via education - however, they are still trained to be both caregivers and slapped on obligatory roles to serve the family till they are married off.

It's already bad enough having to have birthed daughters who will marry off and change their surnames, a complete depletion of the family line! Hence, what's the use of having a Will and a Trust Deed unless one has more than 2 sons in the family? As long as there's an only son in the family, everything goes to the 'male heir'.

With much squabbling, pails of tears being shed and many heartaches, my relentless words to my parents finally took effect. Thy Will will be done, and thy Trust Deed will be done too! Why am I so relentless and will not let go of this case? My brother has said many cruel things to me, in which I cannot be forgiven and overlooked. There's no such thing where people say things that they don't mean. If they can verbalise it, it means they have been thinking about it! Whether the words take the forms of action eventually, no one will ever know - the risk will always be there!

I will always remember grandpa, who is greatly admired by many, and has the wisdom of an old man from the woods, still never had the wisdom to love daughters and grandaughters. He however, quipped one day of a Chinese / Hakkha proverb (directly translated, ok?) while we were having dinner together as a family : If you continuously knock consistently on a hard rock, it will eventually crack'. I was a wee child then, why I remembered his words, I don't know... I suppose it made sense. Anyway, grandpa is altogether another story that I will blog about one day... Anyway, equipped with his wise words and ceaseless prayers and tears, I have put in all my patience and relentless rapping into my parents' heads not to be blind and be fair to the unmarried daughters who will need their monies one day and not subsidise the already-indulgent-brother who has land titles, bungalow, shop shares, market shares... and still have a house in the city that must be subsidised by the higher income earners of sisters!

My sister and I spoke for ages early this morning, and I reported that all things are on the way - I got my lawyer friend to draw the Trust Deed, and have another friend to help Daddy write the Will. We girls truly do not want the properties and the bungalow or whatever monetary things Daddy has, we are happy with his decision to give whoever he wants as it's his right and properties. We just do not want to subsidise for our brother in a house that is under the pretext of a 'family house' that is under his name. He already treats both sis and I like shit, with all the verbal abuse and bullying attitude despite us being so forgiving and nice to him, and continuously cook and buy him things. It's all love loss, and affection down the drain. It's only sensible to have the Will and Trust Deed drawn to safeguard the interests of the daughters to not lose their savings in vain for their own future to an ungrateful brother. *Sigh*My sister and I will finally close the chapter on this case, and sleep in peace tonight.

All of us as a family, only person missing is our dear Aggie who is slogging away with the last bits of her PhD Viva and upcoming exams. By the way, Shanice is part of the family these days too! 

Happy 72nd Birthday Papa!

A great meal at Cafe Mellise is a nice change from the usual sit-down-10-course-Chinese-dinner that my father prefers. I was given the honour to say Grace for the night, and we joined hands to thank the Lord for blessing Papa throughout the years, and to continue blessing him throughout the many years to his ripe old age. Then a prayer for all our family members and all that we love. After 'Amen', everyone turned to their food in silence and lapped the plates clean, before we began yacking again over glasses of white wine and black forest cake. Yes, a bottle of white was what we opened for the celebration, together with a hefty helping each of the Black Forest cake that I specially ordered for the occassion ended the night!

You can see how happy Papa is in the picture! Anyway, Papa, I've written you couplets:

As a family we celebrate today,
Papa, we welcome your 72nd birthday;
Happy, happy birthday to you and more,
Papa, our unceasing prayers are as before;
In your smile, we can see very few wrinkles,
Papa, giving your cheeks a set of dimpled crinkles;
Your beloved children, you can see,
Papa, God's blessings to you are not wee;
Blessings from God we have received,
Papa, Life to the fullest you have conceived!
Your faith in God we inherited,
Papa, our lives are blessed and merited;
Traditions and culture you taught us,
Papa, we struggled to abide without any fuss;
Our highest respect for you is here to stay,
Papa, our dedication and loyalty will never sway;
In 72 years of life you have seen,
Papa, you must understand where we've been;
Our love and affection for you is so real,
Papa, we know it matters to you a great deal;
Faults that we children may have,
Papa, still perfection from us you crave;
Your children are humans also,
Papa, no matter what, we will always love you so!

Soccer in the Tummy

A parent came over to talk to a heavily pregnant colleague who was seated at the entrance reception together with me for Sunday's Open Day duty, "Are you experiencing a soccer game inside your tummy?" Christina didn't quite understand what the man meant, and I quickly translated that in Chinese for her, and only then she started laughing.

The parent continued advising us as 'future Asian mothers' that our husbands must be able to take care of us and 'love us to death' as it's such a beautiful gift to men if a woman is willing to go through the sacrifice of carrying a baby to full term, and go through the pains of childbirth, and nurture the baby and raise them to be good citizens of the society.

'My first child was born 28 years ago followed by another two who is now 25 and the youngest is 17 years old. I can't appreciate and love my wife enough for being there for our children and me. I express this everytime, and it's such a pleasure to see the joy in her face and also in my children's... I hope both of you ladies here have a man who love and appreciate you like the way I do with my wife', said the parent.

Both Christina and I smiled, and Christina started to tell the parent in comprehensible English that her husband loves her very much, and would massage cream onto her stomach, and didn't mind all the stretch marks she's having. She said she is worried to death that the marks will not go away, and her husband assured her that she will always be beautiful in his eyes, and the marks won't make a difference to mar her beauty. I thought that was the sweetest thing that a man could assure his wife. For that moment, the back of my eyes sting a little bit with unshed tears, as I wonder whether I will one day have this in my life.

'I'm so happy to hear that, and I hope God will bless you with many good children. Don't forget to love your parents too eventhough you have a good man in your life. You know, I must admit that my youngest, a daughter, is the easiest to raise and really knows how to love her parents. My sons are a little less expressive, as they didn't quite take after my expressive nature, but both my missus and I are blessed and our sons come home all the time. Nevertheless, I hope whether you are carrying a little girl or a boy inside, you should give unequal love because when they grow up, they have different ways of expressing their love for their parents - expressing less doesn't mean they love you less. Hey, we are Asians, we are cursed with a lack of expression, but I remind my children everyday that love in your heart is to be expressed, and not to be kept hidden,' said the parent with a really big smile that almost split his face into halves.

So, that led on to many more bits of advise of childcaring and raising children, which I eventually tuned off and was catapulted into my own little world of thoughts. I think 'soccer in the tummy', is not to be experienced by every woman.

Though I know of my spinster friends who seemed all hardy and hardlined with their exterior and outlook in life to those who do not know them. But I know the deepest feelings they have inside them since we are so close and share everything of our fears and expectations in life. They always advise me that I should never be like them, as I'm still young, but their time has passed them by. They have learned to make themselves happy with what they have since they just knew that they should never marry for less, but always marry for equality, if not more. Neither the 'equality' nor the 'more' ever came - they were too fussy and choosy.

I will always remember a passage that I read once about the 3 different types of women in the world: 1) Those who would just marry anyone because it's time - they are neither choosy nor fussy; 2) Those who would have a specific type of man in their minds but when the time comes, they will compromise to marry the moment they sense that the man has some qualities to their specific type - they are choosy, but not fussy; 3) Those who have a specific type of man in their minds, and they will rather stay single and not marry till they meet this man of their dreams - they are both choosy and fussy. Thus, my dearest unmarried girlfriends all fall in category 3.

Many friends of my contemporary have taken option item #1 and #2, and myself and a few are still in category #3. If 'soccer in the tummy' is so important, I fear that I could be tempted to fall out of #3 and slip into the oblivion of #2. Only time will tell, but chances are that, I'm too mule-headed to consider #2.

Know Thyself

Plato's philosophical view of the self, Know Thyself in the form of a dialogue, is filled with wisdom that promotes 'thinking' for one discover the self. The beginning of life, is where one is willing to think, and learn about himself / herself before they are able to learn all things around them. Know Thyself has works interpreted & reinterpreted over an umbrella of topics ranging from education to palmistry etc. It is a dialogue to be digested, not understood at a glance and a mere 'read' at one sitting. It is to be read time and again, then put into practise within one's capacity in 'finding the self', and understanding fully of his/her own limitations.

From the aspect of education, the will power and motivation comes from thyself, hence, learning is birthed when one dares to think about thinking, think beyond the thinking. An interesting finding in all his dialogues are that he is never a participant. It is his style, as in a way to get his readers to think by themselves, if not, to decide for themselves. That is to 'build one's own life, and truly live it' as how one should know and understand himself/herself.

In Know Thyself, based on hypotheses, has a full-fledged reasonableness in why others cannot decide another's life, but the owner himself/herself. The meanings of life begins from one knowing himself / herself, and not from others.

Take for example, to use and understand the English Language, one only makes sense of the language if equipped with it's standard basic knowledge - grammar. Without grammar, there is no structure in a sentence, resulting in a loss of meaning within a group / string of words. Vocabulary, are those with specfic meanings to objects and things and conditions around us. The acquisition of vocabulary increases over time, and with practice it makes sentences more meaningful, giving communication it's accuracy and sprinkled with spice and variety.

Likewise, let's use this analogy of grammar by equating it to 'knowing thyself'. With grammar, the structures of sentences are in place, as in an analogy to understanding the basics what the self is like in order to organise thoughts and logos in one's mind and heart. Organised thoughts in one's life finds the respect for rules, regulations and laws unomitable. While vocabulary, as in different wisdoms learned in 'life', brings one's walk in life surer. A confidence, a little less fear of the unknown, more guidance since the pathway is litted, and not forgetting, a wisdom to gauge the future by understanding different choices.

Imbedded in this dialogue, is the correlation between how much one knows oneself to logos ('speech' & 'reason' amongst many other meanings in Greek). The prominence of one's logos, the self is defined by oneself, and perceived likewise by others. The aspect of language as an analogy earlier do make sense so far, I hope?

Bear in mind, this is not a piece on training one to be wise, or sophoi, but to have a love for wisdom as in being 'lovers of wisdom', philoi. How do we define the differences between being 'wise' and being 'lovers of wisdom'? There's a ceiling to being wise or sophoi, but to have philoi, one knows that there's so much wisdom in life that it's a neverending learning curve.

Eventhough one is equipped with a physical tool, the brain, doesn't necessarily mean that mental processes, the mind must come together with it. The mind is developed through stages of inquisition, exposure, wisdom, and not forgetting, the thirst for knowing of oneself - capabilities.

Memory, as a means in retaining information is also another form of 'capability' of the mind. It is not really a 'gift' that comes together with the brain either, as it's part of the processes within the mind. It is too, developed and trained as how thyself wants it. The will to remember, is the will to retain, to make comparisons, to make the right decisions comparitively... Hence, education, in it's formal or informal form, is the key to the development of the mind. It's no wonder why those who know themselves end up being more confident?

The whole complexity of the self is further enhanced by the works of the heart, where the gift of feelings are found. The heart plays a part in making the mind decisive or indecisive. Such are the works of feelings. Still, this doesn't call for ruthlessness, in whether should the mind operate in the absence of the heart! In the past philosophies, the dualism portrayed are just of the brain and the mind, but these days, we have more complications where the heart is involved - a trilism?

Knowing thyself can arrive to one in many ways. Some believe they are their own Gods and Devils in life. While another group believe in the existence of God, in knowing and helping themselves 50% and giving God's ruling another 50%. The other group believe in a 100% of the Will of God, where no matter how much one knows oneself, Thy Will will be done on earth.

In my opinion, all philosophical weavings in the past, the dire researches by Scientists, Philosphers, Wise Men and all alike, is to 'find the truth'. As a believer of God, the Holy Trinity is the truth, the way and the life. What makes life worth living for those who believe is the balance among an unwavering trust in God, the intervention of the Holy Spirit in one's mind and heart towards the sensitivity of knowing oneself and interactions with the world. All these within the 'self' could be meaningless without the obedience, and submission to the Sovereign. Instead of the secular trilism, perhaps we should include God and consider quatrolism?

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~~~~~~~~~~Rudyard Kipling~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was inspired by this poem that Professor Diraja Ungku Abdul Aziz Ungku Abdul Hamid read to the attendees of his Seminar as a closing.

Standing tall, and filled with wisdom, the 82-year-old Professor Ungku Aziz was still able to draw the crowd's attention, and Malaysian Academicians, Politicians and Economists, even right down to those who are still at school level would look at him with open admiration.

As a prominent Malaysian Academician and Economist, he is soft-spoken, open-minded and humble. Given his royal background and all the monies in the world, he shares everything openly and honestly about things in life, in learning, his mistakes, how he learns from making things work - extremely skilled with giving analogies and drawing comparisons to everything that he presents.

Even school-going children and senior citizens could digest all that he says, and completely feel that learning is a neverending process. Malaysia needs more people like him to inspire it's future leaders.

The Bridge on the River Kwai

Not many of us are old enough to remember this really old movie, acted by Alec Guiness, based on a book, "To End all Wars" by Ernest Gordon. I remember watching in on television back in 1982, and couldn't understand half of the things that were going on. All I could see was violence, and the extreme hate for the Japanese and great pity for the prisoners of war (p.o.w.).

But today, when this movie was related in a sermon, it helped me and many others in the congregation to reconsider it's meanings, the difficulties of having faith at those darkest moments. Bear in mind that it was the time where only the fittest will survive. The prisoners of war (p.o.w.) were so deprived of food that they became ruthless with each other - stealing food from each other, fighting and killing each other over raw vegetables on the floor, or even bits of rice floating in the river, and whatever that's deemed edible to survive then. The movie was really, really dark, and that's the reality then - Ernest Gordon was there, his malnutritioned body, like the rest of the p.o.w.s just lie there, where ants, flies and worms would crawl over bodies and eat them alive. Many never made it out alive.

It was there, that Gordon found faith, in where he calls it 'the Miracle of River Kwai'. Here is how even at the worse moments, people's lives were touched, and here's a scene that I'd like all readers to consider:

One day, the Japanese found that a shovel was missing. They called upon all the prisoners of war, and asked who took the shovel. No one owned up. The Japanese threatened to shoot each one of them, one by one. Still, silence. Guns and bayonets were raised, the 'kill' was to begin, and suddenly, a British p.o.w. stood out of the line and owned up to taking the shovel. This man was not instantly killed, but tortured and finally, a blow that cracked his skull was what ended his life.

When that was over and done with, other Japanese soldiers who were fresh from the camp, brought the shovel over, it was the 'missing shovel' - no one took it. Upon seeing this, everyone realised that the British p.o.w. has laid his life down for everyone. From that moment onwards, the Japanese were a little kinder the p.o.w.s, while the p.o.w.s were less ruthless to each other - the fights over food stopped.

As a reflection to this, who would lay down his life for all like the British p.o.w.? A self-less sacrifice, as the 'Christness' in the British p.o.w. was evident. This is truly something that each of us should ask ourselves, 'Are we ready to lay our lives down for saving another life / lives?' It takes faith on our end to know exactly where we're going, as in life after death, isn't it? The terrorists got hold of the concept in a twisted way. How about you, you and you? Ah... food for thoughts all ye out there...

My Prayer

"Our Father in heaven, I once again commit my family, my friends, Martin's and mine to you. Be thou our vision for all that is in the future. Let not our human weaknesses be a hindrance to your Will.

Your grace and love understands all the desires in our human hearts, You know ahead of time of what we will be doing, and You understand all the pains that we will endure and all the love that we will be giving and receiving.

Build us Oh Lord, into stronger individuals to serve You. Each trial and error is to give us greater tolerance, forgiveness and love for the future.

You have said in the Bible, that one should love and forgive our neighbours - doesn't matter whether they have wronged us or not. Our flawed human ways will not allow that, but with Your Grace, You will bestow upon us, the gifts and skills that are honourable in your name to deal with every situation.

Thank you, oh Lord, for being there each time. Forgive us for all that we have wronged, by not allowing You to be part of us during our selfish human ways. And thank you Lord, in also walking with me throughout my life, in helping me open my eyes to trust your Will at all times. It is You who did not lose faith in me and love me as I am, hence, oh Lord, life is worth living for now and the future, because You are my inspiration, my Living God, and my personal Saviour. I pray all these, In the name of God the Father, the Son and the Holy spirit. Amen.

The Blessed Trinity

'In the name of God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit' are the exact words that I end my prayers each time. It's a closing that I am used to - I have no further explanation to why I end my prayers that way.

I have not dedicated a writing to the All-seeing Sovereign, my personal Saviour for a very long time, and I've decided to blog it tonight after reading a booklet on God's Will. How profound are the readings, and how it hit me between the eyes of times where I rely on my human strengths to deal with my very human weaknesses.

For those who followed my blogs, you would have realised that I had some hard times over the months, and especially of recent times. I was close to being depressed and at the brink of devastation. I even used my psychological theories to force my mind into adaptating and digesting the situation so that I will eventually move on to accepting things as they are. The emotions are very difficult to handle, and they hurt very deeply, because I relied on my human eyes, reasonings, ears and mouth to deal with the situation. Everything fell into an illogical mass, a spinning in the head that seems to be endless.

If it wasn't for my sister's almost-telepathic call that night, I would have not dedicated and submitted my situation to God. It isn't that I am faithless, it's how the evil one will intervene and block your senses to realising God is the answer, and all I need is to surrender in humility for Him to deal with me, the parties involved and all that constitutes the situation that gave rise to my dilemma then. God is good, and He is the all-seeing presence in our lives, and I know this by both theory and practical. God does not reveal His Will at one go, it's with obedience and faith that we will be save in His arms and guidance that will help us come out of the darkness and into the light.

Relying on the self is almost hopeless at times, though I have my pride in self-counselling myself, in which had many a time, brought me out of small doses of helplessness. It is a longer route, but it was dealt in a very weak human way. The times whenever I allow the breath of God to fill my senses, I know, and really did heal and get back to my feet much faster. It's obedience and faith.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm weak without God, because I understand the need to be humble in seeking God's Will. I remember a friend once told me that 'only weak people need God'. I disagree with this, because we humans are all flawed, and generating strength is only in the mind and heart, but there's a limit to it - a breaking point where the human animal, will break down. I'm talking about breaking down in terms of feeling completely helpless, not seeing the positiveness of things, not seeing that there is something to learn in God's time when you are plonked in a bad situation.

I learned the another perspective of things, in my moments of weakness, awakened to seek His help and intervening powers in a situation that I'm concerned of. Such goodness there is in God's overflowing grace, where He gave me peace, a peace that I find is miraculous. I couldn't believe it myself at first, I had to walk over to my dressing table, looked into the mirror, wondered about what had happened earlier - it was the understanding of forgiveness of the situation, of him and of myself - it's all God's wondrous work. The air seemed lighter in my room that night, the oppressive weight in my heart and the gloomy cast of darkness left my mind - my soul was uplifted. That night, I felt that I was sleeping in a room filled with Angels. No, I'm not mad. I know what you are thinking. This is not psychological in my opinion, because the burden was erased there and then. It's a little miracle.

This time round, it was via my dedicated prayers that helped me through my hard times. It's truly a miracle, in where many layman and unbeliever of God would see it as a coincidence. What else can I prove by this? First a call from my sister, then Mag called up, and the next day, it was a colleague at work, Lai Lai. My sister reminded me to give it to God, Mag fasted and prayed for my situation, Lai Lai who didn't know a thing, just popped out of the blue and showed me booklets from the Methodist Church in where her boyfriend attends, she asked me if I was interested in them. I looked at them. Usually, I'm a little proud of knowing things of such, and I would not want to look at such things. BUT, this time, I paused and took up each booklet, read it's title, and just and as simple as that, I felt reminded of things that I knew I know all about, but did not apply at my times of need.

Why wasn't I able to apply them in my daily life when I'm facing trials and tests in life? It hit me there that to be helped, you need to allow yourself to be helped. God shows the way, but it's your choice too, when you postpone it, or reject it. So, there I was, I wanted to be reminded, and I willingly felt that this is the time of need, and I agreed to purchase them from her.

I read them, and I felt that I was filled with peace and understood the needs to go through the hardships in life, while being completely focused on God, trusting faithfully that He will be there and not abandon me. If things on this earth does not work out like the way my human needs want it, there is a reason for God to lead me to greater things. The Blessed Trinity, the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for my sins, God's omnipotence, the presence of the Holy spirit in intervening situations... do I need any proof to believe. No, to me, this is sufficient. A layman might find this conceited, or that I'm in denial, or probably completely lost my head, but it's by faith that one must rely on, and the understanding of God's overflowing Grace and Love is the main reason in giving us hope for a better tomorrow.

The underlying message of a western joke...

Up on the roof, was a little hide out that Doreen and I discovered when we first moved into the aquarium. It's a perfect secret hiding place whenever you want to chill out, and definitely a great escapade from the stuffed shirts downstairs. Anyway, she shared a joke she read in FHM magazine while we were there:

A dude just got out of his tanning session at the beach and checked himself out in front of the mirror. He got upset that he is able to tan all over except for his p****. So, he decided to go back to the beach, bury himself under the sand with just his *p**** sticking out of the sand.

Two old women walked down the beach, a usual stroll that they take everyday for health reasons. They both stumbled upon the p**** in the sand, and one of them said, "I've been chasing this all my life, and here it is, growing out of sand these days, and I am too old to squat".

So funny! Doreen and I understood the underlying message behind this joke, and actually find it a typical western humour. It fits into the usual yearly spring break culture that I observed as a student in the states. Every youth in their growing years just want to experience it all, the adventures that are surrounded by just it. Where the blokes supply, and the chicks demand, and vice versa. Needless to buy apples from the same stall... kind of culture. It's a give and take situation, you know what I mean?

As Asians, we'd never think of such jokes, we understood part of the culture, theorectically, but not necessarily practically. It takes Asiatic-Anglocised girlies like us to laugh at it. Though Asia is sprouting and blossoming to those lines, but our old culture still raises it's eyebrows at such. I'd say on the majority, most of the girls I know would be bemused by it!

Passion of the Amorous kind

I found this book at the backseat of Susan's car, Ancient Secrets for Modern Lovers, by Felice Dunas. It caught my eye because of it's cover... 'wow!' - truly depicting passion, a passion of the amorous kind!!

I flipped through the pages, and this paragraph from the Acknowledgement floated out of the page: "To the memory of my father, Edwin C. Dunas, whose excruiting illness, treatment and untimely death during my childhood taught me the value of healing through pleasure". LOL!!!! What does this mean in layman terms? "When Daddy passed on, I just had to screw around to get my head right, so I went into medicine later on to be healed".

I moved on to the content page, and was even more amused by the book. Check it out:

1. Medicine in our loins: The Theurapeutic Power of Sex ; 2. The First and Oldest Dance: The Coupling of Masculine and Feminine ; 3. Wind Blows the Temple Door Ajar: Energy, Attraction and Desire ; 4. Stairway to the Stars: Perfecting Foreplay ; 5. Inside the Jade Chamber: Mastering the Art of Intercourse ; 6. Heaven Comes to Earth: Making Love Divine ;
7. Boulders Beneath Our Feet: Obztructions to Passionate Love ; 8. A Single Boat upon the River: Life Between Relationships ; 9. Until the Sun Sets: Living a Life of Passion

Ah...needless to say, it's an instant spot on, I even read out loud in the car, chuckling loudly away. Susan began to brief me of the book, as she thinks that it's a good read on the Chinese culture and sex. Something that is written from a western viewpoint, but enveloped in Chinese Medicines and bla bla bla. One of the girlie colleagues were completely lost, and probably bemused. I know I could share this joke with Doreen, who basically have the same kind of twisted mind and humour about things of such. Hah! Now, I'm interested to check out what this book is all about, so I borrowed it. I asked for a plastic bag or something as I couldn't be carrying that book up to the office, as my reputation is already at stake for being 'open-minded'... the book would seal the judgemental stuffed-jackets at the office!

So, Susan got me a plastic bag. I wrapped it up, chuckling away, saying that the CEO would not like it at all if he sees the book on my office - the aquarium. To make things worse, the CEO walks past my glass windows since I'm seated only 20 feet away from him. Susan disagreed and said that everyone is really 'open-minded' in the office despite what they say from their mouths and how they are dressed or behave. I said, "Exactly - that's why some of them can't stand me for having sex appeal, as they cannot flaunt without having to exaggerate - I'm a natural siren!" (Ok, insert lots of big laughs here that would rock the car).

We went on to talk about who has a contradictory appearance and demeanor that could never match their faces to the words they say... we stumbled upon a particular VP at the office, who has a Passion of the Amorous kind. No looker at all, but he has THE demeanor (all in a pretense) of being the holliest, most proper Christian dude. He has 5 affairs with 2 students before and 3 other ex-colleagues, and the number is still going up. Yeah, don't forget to insert the bits where he fooled those poor girlies with his 'pseudo wisdom' too. Poor Susan reports to him, and this VP has the roving eye disease, forever resting his gaze on the sacred and clothed bits of a woman. Sometimes, you can swear that he's almost salivating.

Sex can always be sensationalised, I think, and at the work place, one must always be very careful with their private lives. Just with today's 1-hour lunch break, we had lots of laughs about it, of people having affairs at the office - nothing surprising - it's a known fact, anyway. I was forewarned of which men to avoid when I first stepped into the office. Thanks to the concerned folks! In the car, we could pop up with so many examples of people that we see, played some imaginary games, linking to this and that (censor, censor, censor). Lots of good laughs.

When we finally reached the office, we got out of the car and automatically straightened our skirt, flipped our hair back and pasted on that serious 'work-look', but couldn't resist in bursting out into a hearty laugh; then stern look again; Wicked, aren't we all? lol

I was just driving down the road...

It's not a special morning, but I decided to take a slllooow drive to work. It's unusual, but that's how I felt like, a sllllooow drive. On the road, I took time to look left, and right whenever I stopped at a traffic, I looked at cars, the people in it, and all that sort of stuff. Then found that I had some quiet time in between, and prayed under my breath. A usual thing that I do, to prepare me for my day.

I eventually crawled out of the small roads, and got on to the highway where I would usually speed like a mad woman, BUT I was slow for once. I once again, looked left and right, and saw all the greeneries by the road side. It was friendly, I enjoyed the green, and thought of nature and thought of myself.

I was driving right behind this lorry, and all of a sudden, the whole exhaust pipe dropped in the middle of the road! It halted into a dead stop, just like that. So did I, anyway. Full stop. I could have gotten into a bad accident if I went about my hurried ways - that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I knew there and then, it was not my time yet to meet God face to face, because He slowed me down this morning.

What spurred me to be in a snail mood was unexplainable. The way I woke up wasn't any different from any other day - where the radio alarm blasts on, and sun gushes it's cheery sunlight through my windows, forcing my eyes open with it's glare. I did the usual sliding off the bed, and took a big swig from the bottle of water beside me.

I even decided to put on something that I used to wear 7 years ago, something that I used to wear to college! I'm glad I can still fit into them! lol It's little white top and a mid-thigh, blue-flower-printed skirt, white sandals to to go with it, pink gloss and cheek colour, and finally stuck a little blue clip into my hair! I'm transformed! I'm looking like my old self now - the one that I left long ago. Won't it be noble to be found dead looking like a college kid? lol

Anyway, that wasn't funny (ref: death). It did make me feel good to be alive though. How's that for a start of the morning? The day has to begin...

Sense and Sensibility

A casual chat today on the phone was an insight to a few things in my mind. I will not say it now, but will talk about the few things that floated out of the conversation. It made me wonder where life would lead me to --> to 'us' --> or will the plural become singular eventually? I would definitely be sure when I make up my mind, but one hand can't clap by itself. Takes two to clap, two to tango, two to everything - a team. If both of us think alike, it would be a team. Ever had one of those days where you seemed far apart in mentality, apart from the physical distance with a love one? I don't know. It's an open question, open for anything, I guess. It's a thought...

Perhaps I wanted the honesty. Perhaps I'm doubting like he'd like me to - to see the sensibilities of things. I don't understand the 'doubting' business that's going on - he may mean anything, afterall it's bloody subjective. To me, 'doubting' is being unstable. The instability doesn't makes sense to me, and it's insensible! I know that once my doubting sets in, I'll start walking, no glancing behind. I remember the story of Lot, where his wife looked back to the city of Sodom and Gemorrha as Lot & her were leaving the city as instructed by the Lord, she turned into a pillar of salt. I will not be a pillar of salt!

Reassurance. I wanted to hear it. At the back of my mind, perhaps I'm denying the fact that I may be hoping for some form of answer that perhaps lead to some assurance that would make sense to me. A sense of security, a sense of wanting to work things out - a commitment.

Too soon - that's the sensibilities of all these. Be realistic - the word falls like bricks onto my head, the sound of it rudely collides onto my ear drums. I know what this means, dammit! In reality, the distance stinks. That's the reality. Sometimes it catapults me out of the orbit, with a little fear of losing someone who is close at heart to me. Perhaps we're not meant to be? It will be a life changing experience, I'm sure. I must remind myself every single day that I'm not going to let this make me bitter, because there has to be someone else! That's not only reality, but sensibility!

I sensed a change in me, a change that I know I was never that way given 5 years ago. What have I evolved into? I know I get stronger every time I fall, perhaps so strong that no one will ever measure up. I see it, I see it... I see it in many of my spinster girlfriends, they have better things to do than to mope over things of such. I was heading there, since when did I turn around? I wanted to be there, the life is easier, and no unecessary troubles to deal with! Isn't that sensible?

Perhaps one day when I look into the mirror, I will not recognise myself anymore. Or rather, when I look at my past pictures, I'll say, 'who's that?' That's fear, that's my reality. I am filled with questions, hardly any answers for such. I fear the unknown, like any normal being. Somehow, I do not fear this fall, there has to be something to learn from it. Hell, I get sharper each time even when I was blinded in the initial stages! Now, that's developing my senses!

To be sensible, I will have to face reality, the music - life. I must always love myself more and no less, and never let anyone destroy my life. I'm angry, and pretty turned off too. I once remembered my Gay friends telling me about their past, when they were 'straight'... I understand why... not that I'm going that way. I understand the concept, theorectically, though it doesn't exactly make any sense to my religious upbringing.

Sometimes I wonder what's my fate in life, the men that I seemed to have affection for are always too far away. They are not out of reach mentally, but they are always out of reach, physically. I must continue to be stronger, be sensible!

Many of my girlfriends sensed this long time ago, that compromises must be put in place. They confessed that they once pursued a love of a lifetime, and they came home, broken hearted. I see all of them as a trail of broken hearts. They decided that they can't pursue their dreams in being with a love of a lifetime, but it's acceptable to just change their perception and see the beauty of a local. A local that speaks like their brother, their father, their grandfather. A sense of familiarity, a sensible choice.

Most of them, settled down quite sensibly with someone that loves them more than they do. They say, 'never completely give your heart to a man. If there's a 100% love in you, keep back that 30%, it's for your sanity". My mother said something along those lines too... hmmm. Guess Mommy sensed that Dad is an honourable man, and she married him out of sensibility. My girlfriends also said before, 'never let a man know you love him before he proves that he is deserving'. I tried digesting all these over the days, months and years, over countless glasses of milk and cookies, insurmountable plates of nasi lemak and teh-o-ice, over milo-ice and par-boiled eggs... I still can't see it. I guess that's why I am where I am today. Isn't being honest the key? Or does it have it's adverse effects?

They believe that they can grow love and affection like you grow that little green plant in the garden. All you need is to water it, and sometimes, you just have to rearrange the pot to get just that right amount of sun and rain - it'll grow. Hey, they seemed happy. There must be some sense in this, because everything turned out 'right'. They too, suggested that I should think like they do, as there is no way that I can be fulfilled and happy. I have not found the secrets to manufacturing love. When I find it, I will surely blog it.

Zorah, Mazni, Winnie and I had long talks of such before, about such girlfriends. We sigh at each other. Hopeless kind of sighs which left us with awkward silence. We realised that the roads are clear - either you choose to compromise or choose to walk alone. We fear that we would one day, resign ourselves to the very same fate as our girlfriends. We fought that for years, and the only thing that's making us standing up strong this day is our perception of what true romance is supposed to be like - it's a fairytale, it's not sensible. Though we have our dignity, that sticks out like a sore thumb at times - to not go back against our word, our beliefs, or our principles. We remember being happier single than coupled. Perhaps, that's our fate. We should trust our senses and be sensible about it.

Perhaps my father is right, it seems like more of his words are amounting in the form of reality into my mind. I don't like it one bit, but I suppose, he too, sensed that at a very early age that decisions of such are the most sensible. He said, 'be with your own kind, they'll understand you better, forget about chemistry, they come as quickly as they go. I hate to see you break your heart'.

Do I sense myself heading towards being completely sensible and sound? I am wondering. I have even changed my blog colours to green, a brighter one and more sensible to life, nature... joy... what else? Give me some more positive adjectives, dammit! Ok... it's 'friendlier' in comparison to the earlier black and morbid one.

Right... what I believe right now, is to pray. That's sensible. Once that is done, I will sense peace, descending on me. God answers prayers - I've prayed all my life - some good must come by. I will once again ask for forgiveness from God for losing my senseless temper - that's insensible! I will put that into my prayers tonight - only in God's timing, the meaning of my sense and sensibilities will unfold before my very eyes.

Are we beyond redemption and Salvation?

I clicked on to CNN news site early this morning and what caught my eye was the title "Merry Wax-mas" beside a tiny thumbnail picture showing a typical Christmas nativity of the birth of Christ in the manger.

When I clicked on the site and the whole article popped up together with an enlarged version of the picture, and I was totally shocked! This is what the picture showed: Joseph (David Beckham), Victoria Becham (Virgin Mary), the Angel (Kylie Minogue), the Three Wise Men (Tony Blair, George Bush, the Duke of Edinburgh), and the Shepards (Samuel Jackson, Hugh Grant and Graham Norton). What is happening here? How could people just make a joke and play around with the sacred meanings and depictions of Christ?

*Sigh* Not only churches all over the world is shocked by this, I'm sure the rest of the world who respects our Sovereign God and Christ would be totally disgusted too. It's been playing in my head the whole morning as I was driving to work that the world is truly a fallen place, where Satan emulates God by being omnipotent everywhere he goes. Completely pulling the veil of sin over many a unsuspecting being - the birth of sin comes in thoughts, and then actions, then eternal death.

It sounds morbid in this sense, but being brought up ingrained and grounded with the word of God, my beliefs in eternal life after death is unquestionable. My understanding of sins are profound, and the do of 'good' is a must. Here is a poem that I found that in some ways depiect that we are given a choice to obey God, and that we have to help ourselves in order to be with Christ (taken from the book of Hebrews):

"Ask and it shall be given unto you,Seek and you shall find."

As you submit to Christ in all you do,

He’ll cleanse your heart and mind

Satisfying your hungry soul each day

With manna from above,

Revealing to you His will and way,

And His unchanging love.

"Knock and it shall be opened unto you"

-God’s grace and power receive.

He’ll give you joy and life anew,

And all your fears relieve.

As you stand on firm foundation

- Christ, the solid Rock,

There’s assurance of salvation,

And blessings when you knock.

So, "Ask and it shall be given unto you,

Seek and you shall find."

His peace will, surely flood your soul,

And heal your troubled mind."

God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him"(Heb.11:6)

There is light in the Word of God. The road to salvation is never easy, though believing in Christ, who died on the cross for us, He has already erased our sins. So profoundly termed in a simple way as in the poem intergrated with explanations. God's intevening powers are real, because HE is a living God.

Throughout the world, irregardless of centuries, time and people, Satan tries to intervene God's works. The tests and games of life begins. Man is not spared, not even the holliest of Christian Leaders' and their family's lives, or marriages vowed under God's name, faithful and loyal laymen in church.

The world has resigned to understanding the reject of Christiandom in many sectors and it's people due to all these downfalls of God's soldiers. Instead of being 'full' of Christ, they are seen as 'Fools' for Christ... sometimes, just 'Contradictory Fools'.

It is already a given that the moment Adam took a bite of the apple that Eve gave him, the fall of the man has begun. Mr. Serpent, the Devil, is well-versed with the weaknesses of mankind, dabbling with their vulnerability and tempting them to the ends of the earth, completely going head-on and full-force with human weakness.

How long more, Oh God, will such mockery go on? That piece of CNN news is indirectly, a wake-up call for all Christian brothers and sisters to pray and to stand up proud in being Christians. On the other hand, not all celebrities would be depicted in such nativity tableu - I wonder why didn't they put Mel Gibson in there? Perhaps he made 'the Passion of the Christ'? Gibson was completely unashamed with his dedication to God, and as the 3rd most powerful entertainer in Hollywood, he will not play 'safe' to please the world... he went straight on to Gospel. That's what I call admirable! Click on this to read about a really interesting interview on all the cast members and the miracles that occurred during the filming of 'the Passion of Christ'.

James Claviezel, who took up the role of 'Jesus', was unafraid of losing his career... he wasn't there for the glory in projecting 'Jesus', but he just wanted the world to see and understand Christ's sacrifices for mankind. The movie features Christ's last 12 hours before He was crucified. The movie got the world buzzing, Christians and non-Christians crying, completely feeling the pain. Miracles happened to cast members for that movie, as in God's reward in many ways. The stark comparison to this are of those to horror and evil movies, in where cast members eventually lose their minds and have bad omens happening to them - even the directors - the scriptwriters etc. What other prove does the world need, to know and come to accept that Christ is the living God?

I know it's almost fictitious, and whoever who is reading my blog, and has come this far probably thinks me as a fanatic of some kind. Like Gibson, who has testimonies on God's intervention in his life when there is almost no hope, I too, have my own testimonies. There are miracles, though they are little ones, but they marked life-changing experiences in my map of life.

A simple example is that when I'm completely lost in the ways of the world, and I become devastated beyond reasoning, Satan completely beats me to making me feel unworthy of everything in the world... making me forget to pray, forget to look into the light - just plain forgetful of God's grace and seeking for God to intervene. Out of the blue, before I snap, I either see something, or read something, or someone just walk up to me to talk about prayers and having God in one's life. I snap out of things in no time, kneel down on my knees and start praying. There have been, and will always be insurmountable cases that God has and will intervene in my life, where the realisation of sins will be thwarted from taking form.

Prayers are the answer in giving us inner peace and allowing God to bless us with understanding, knowledge and the patience to deal with such mockery. As stated in Hebrew: God is the rewarder of those who dilligently seek him. I believe in this, right down to my very pit of my heart and soul, my mind doesn't even reject it. I've witnessed this, and can give many testimonies to miraculous intevention of God in not only my life, but many others' as well.

The world is neither beyond redemption, nor Salvation. Amongst many other people, and myself, as imperfect as we are, we found the perfection in Christ, who made us worthy of love, and all the goodness of peace, grace, patience and so forth. Have you given Christ a chance to be in your life of late? The choice was mine to take up, mockery or no mockery, the living God is within me... hence, it's yours too - afterall, Salvation is free.